Panic is rising all around the country over the risk of a bird flu pandemic as several new cases of infection with the deadly TW1T strain of the virus have been reported. The most serious of the recent cases occurred in the early hours of wednesday morning when 'Dr' Gillian McKeith was spotted outside KFC eating a bargain bucket of spinal scrapings and talking sense. The danger of cross-infection is deemed to be large and anyone who may have been in the vicinity is advised to phone the emergency services and stay close to a toilet. Witnesses phoned 999 in alarm reporting Ms McKeith staggering across the road embracing strangers and asking them for faecal samples whilst extolling the virtues of a junk food lifestyle. Sam King, 21, on his way back from an innocent night out in the Rear Entry nightclub was assaulted by Ms McKeith who was allegedly shouting,
'Steatorrhoea is the only way. KFC's great innit. A bucket of spinal scrapings with extra gristle every day and you'll produce nothing but floaters. 'S a fantastic party trick. I do it all the time in the studio and blame it on the techies. And if you want a handy tip - if you're too poor to buy a bargain bucket then just coat your turkey twizzlers in the paper your fish and chips are wrapped in, drizzle a little candle wax, beer and butter on the top and you've got a handy snack that ensures your poo will never block the loo again.'
Anthea Turner is reportedly considering suing Ms McKeith for plagiarising this household tip - soon to be released in her latest book 'Shitting the grime'. The dispute is likely to be settled out of court as Ms McKeith allegedly included the tip in the PhD thesis she bought over the internet. The representatives of both parties are considering a joint action against the thesis provider, 'Degrees 'R' Us'. The chief executive of the company was unavailable for comment, rumoured to be locked in his basement with his Barbie doll and a large pair of rubber gloves after eating nothing but KFC for 60 days. The footage of this incident will be broadcast on Channel 4 in March in a prime time Saturday slot following on from Jade Goody's sex tips.
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help help
Written by fellpony (1649 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
Hold me somebody, that last paragraph cracked me up and I'm afraid I might float away.
Sadly all too plausible - and the directors of such companies deserve to be locked in the loo with a Barbie doll.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3445 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
Oh no, it's Dr Gillian McKeith- don't get me started, just don't get me started; too late now. God, that bloody anorexic food nazi. Incidentally I wonder what job description she puts in her passport- "poo inspector" I suppose. Freud would have a field day with her.
OK I've calmed down now. This hit all the right buttons for me. A great idea and you kept it going. There were some killer lines- my favourite was the "floaters" one.
You really let rip on this one. It all held together well.
Well done
Jane (Phd, P Phil,RAC, Oxon- Degrees 'R' Us] |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
Should I know who Dr Gillian McKeith is?
Still, without that knowledge I still enjoyed this - but feel I'm missing something somewhere - again.
Phil |
Me too
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
I'm with Phil. Not got a clue who she is.
Still, she sound like a complete numb-nutted dweeb, so it matter not.
Enjoyed this Elli, couple of good lines in there. Your obvious fascination with all things excrement-based shone through.
Good stuff
Givitsum |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
What a load of old shitte! Smashing stuff Elli, and Oh how I wish I was Chris or Phil and had never heard of the charming Ms McKeith. Some lovely throw-away lines..The thought of the good `Dr` with her head in a bucket of offal, AND talking sense, is just too horrible to contemplate. Once again a cracking piece.
happy writing
Woody |
Written by teddy (240 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
I must admit I didn’t know who Gillian McKeith was until I googled her name and found this http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/badscience/#article_continue. Apparently she’s the poo lady with a dodgy PhD
Really great stuff, Ellie, made me laugh big time, exactly what I needed after a ‘shitty’ 2.5 hrs journey into work.
teddy
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Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
Loved it.
I'm afraid I do know who she is.
Shhhhhh, don't tell no one or anyone, BUT I have watched her program.
Its voyeurism isn't it?
I'm just fascinated by the constipated mentalities which allow someone to look at their pooooo.
And there I stand in the loo for an extra flush just in case???
I suspect this dried up specimen of womanhood doesnt defecate( shit, for the uneducated)
marybarry |
Cheers
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
FP - sure there's an idea for a reality tv show in there somewhere...no wait it might actually be entertaining heaven forbid...
Jane - 'that bloody anorexic food nazi' - funny you sound just like my boyfriend - I'm not going to show this to him in case he explodes...Congratulations on the RAC 
Phil - I was going to explain who the 'numb-nutted dweeb' but teddy has helpfully provided a link which is in itself fairly entertaining
Chris - Everyone loves a few poo jokes...although fascination is probably taking it a bit too far!
woody - the image was in fact so repulsive i nearly stopped writing - wasn't sure i should inflict that on you lot! but then i though you might perversley enjoy it
teddy - ta for the link. glad it made you laugh, hope you manage to get home form work!
mary - id keep that under wraps if i were you - im sure it's heresy to admit to watching that goddam awful program...
Thanks for the comments guys
Elli
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Funnyish
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
But a wee bit over lavatorial, even for a Scotsman like me.
Female comedy, its a Venus/Mars thing I think. Jo Brand is the nearest to getting a chuckle from me. Tait is as funny as a fire at an orphanage, Elli falls somewhere in the continuum between.
Oli |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
Lavatorial?? I'm sure I don't know what you mean... Just a bit of fun in an idle half hour - mind you it's hard to steer away from matters faecal when talking about the phantom sniffer herself.
Cheers Oli, as long as I'm funnier than a fire in an orphanage I'm happy!
Elli |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
Read the link. Should have guessed really - this is the lady that slices up human faeces for a living. Heard about her, but not seen it on the telly.
What a crackpot.
Phil. |
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