Immediately follows "Back in Control".
Knock on his door. Expect nothing. Expect
ice.
I have some dregs of courage from adrenalin today,
and need drives me; I need forage for the horse.
Impersonal, we bargain. Sensitivity at bay,
we manhandle bales, and sort the fine from coarse.
He’ll go now; drift away; just as –
he leans against the wall.
and
he
talks.
He who was grim, shadow-eyed and silent,
gossips, jokes and chuckles. I am hollow.
We talked like this, once, long past. This is how
he spoke, looked when he loved me.
I have fought two years of silence; given up all hope.
I’m formal, stiff. Offer him Christmas lunch.
He mustn’t see how close I am to tears.
I feel his eyes follow me down the yard
as they once did, before those years. His hair
is thick; his hands still work-worn. And I still
know their warm touch.
Get in the car and go.
Head high. Don’t break. Stay proud.
The road unrolls, dissolving under salt.
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Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 9th February 2007 |
Raw and tender at the same time. Loved the last line with all its layers of meaning. Funny, a really prosy piece (not a crit) but all the meaning is there in the peotic part at the end. Clever (I thought)
Phil. |
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
Yes. I like it very much Sue. Is there any significance to the title beyond the time of this little pastiche? Perhaps expectation, waiting, religious observance?
Like Phil said, prose-like - sometimes I think your "layout" is a bit, errr, arbitrary, but that is a personal, stylistic detail. Very touching, very honest.
I agree with Phil about the ending - very strong indeed, makes the poem for me.
Oli  |
advent
Written by fellpony (1723 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
"significance to the title": literal, yes, as to time of year, but also the things you've mentioned, though perhaps excepting the religious observance (unless it means something to others, in which case, read in as much as you like).
The events here happened literally within the hour of the end of those described in "Back in Control" (hence the echo of that rhythm and the 15/11 pattern of Banjo Patterson in the early parts - and while BIC is fun on its own, it does have significance as a catalyst for this piece).
"your "layout" is a bit, errr, arbitrary"
the "arbitrariness" of the next part is intentional: the expected - self-imposed expectation/routine - rhythm breaking down. I tried lots of layouts of "And he talks" before I settled on the separate line; it was important, because it was the talking that was important in changing the pattern of the behaviour.
After that, it's almost all blank verse; not perfect iambic pentameter but based on the 10 syllable line once more. But because of that it might not hurt to lay out the later section as one. I'll try it.
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Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
I may be about to look very daft here but - you've changed the structure of this since I read it earlier yes?
If so - I think the change to blank verse works well in contrats with the fracture nature of the first half. Earlier I thought the piece almost too fractured - it seems easier to read this time around (I really will look stupid if you haven;t changed this!)
Thought the one word lines in the middle also worked well.
Only thing that didn't quite work for me was the repetition of 'need in line 4.
Apart from that I thought this a superb piece - the structure balances the content perfectly. Clever, strong and very touching. I'm trying very hard to find things to be constructively critical about but failing somewhat!
Elli
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Yes Elli
Written by fellpony (1723 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
you're not stupid (far from it girl) - I tightened up the layout of the second half, but have not changed anything else.
I honestly hadn't spotted the two instances of "need". Second one would be OK as "want" I suppose
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