Chapter 40

Eileen sat there, for what seemed like an age, holding him close.  His sobs gradually grew quieter, but he still clung to her, and she did not have the heart to move him, even though her back was aching from being in the same position for so long.  Suddenly, he pulled away from her and stood up, rubbing furiously at his eyes with the back of his hand.  His throat had been sore to begin with, but now it felt as if it was on fire, and Eileen stared in surprise as he was doubled up by a sudden coughing fit.

"I'm so sorry, Eileen!" he said, trying to catch his breath.  "I should never have spoken to you like that, I...."

"You don't need to apologise, Jon!" she said, holding out her hand.  "You didn't know what you were saying!  That's a nasty cough you've got there - how long have you had it?"

"Not long!  It only started yesterday - it's just a cold, that's all!  Nothing compared to what Donna has to worry about!"

His voice gave way again, and he sat down in an armchair, crying softly.  Eileen crouched down, taking his hand in hers.

"Please, love!" she said, her voice soft and gentle.  "I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to worry too much - it may be nothing!  I know you're hurting, but try and stay positive.  There are plenty of people who care, you know.  You two don't have to face this alone, so don't feel you have to try!  Listen, I'll make another cup of tea, and I'll stay with you until Donna comes home - if you'd like me to."

"Would you?" he said, the lost look in his eyes tearing at her heart. "I don't really want to be on my own right now."

"I'll stay as long as you need me to" she said, disappearing into the kitchen. "As long as I've got breath in my body, you'll never have to face anything alone!"

Minutes later, she came back into the living room with two cups of tea, and sat down on the sofa.  He got up from his chair, and sat down with her, resting his head on her shoulder - he felt so tired, and completely bewildered, that he could not think straight.  Feeling a lump in her throat, Eileen's motherly instincts kicked in, and she gently kissed the top of his head, gently stroking his hair as he poured his heart out to her.  He would have given anything to feel his mother's arms around him right now, but, as far as he was concerned, Eileen's were the next best thing.

"I'm so scared, Eileen!" he said, his voice so quiet she could hardly hear him.  "I feel so helpless - there's nothing I can do but wait!  I'm supposed to look after my wife, in sickness and in health - but I don't seem to be much good at the sickness part, do I?  She begs me to be strong for her, and the minute her back's turned, I fall apart!  I know I'm a man, but deep down inside I feel just like a child at the moment.  How can I help her, when I feel so scared myself..."

"First things first" said Eileen, ever the voice of reason.  "You don't know for sure that Donna is sick - and even if she is, I know that when it comes to it, you'll be there for her.  It's surprising how strong you can be when you need to - you find strength that you didn't even know you had.  You and Donna have been through some tough times together, and you've always come through them.  Even though you may not think so, you are both incredibly strong -I'm proud of you both - so proud!"

"Why are you so proud of me, Eileen?" he said, looking up at her.  "I'm nothing special to you - I'm just the guy next door!"

"That's where you're wrong!" she replied, her eyes filling with tears.  "I was taken with you right from the minute you moved in, and since then I've grown to love you like one of my own!  All your triumphs are mine, too, and when you're suffering, so do I!  I'd go out fight the world for you if I had to - that's how much I love you!"

"Oh God, Eileen!  You've set me off again!  You must know how much I love you.  Every time I think I'm alone, I turn around and you're there - you've been a tower of strength to me, and I don't know what I would have done without you!  I know Donna loves you, too - she said you're worth your weight in gold!"

"I think the world of her, too!  She's a lovely girl, and I know how much you love her.  She loves you too, sweetheart, more than you'll ever know.  You'll get through this, I know you will.  As I've always said - I'm here for you!"

"I know!" he said, his voice was almost a whisper.  "That goes both ways!  Oh God, I'm so tired!"

They both fell silent for a few moments, and the next thing Eileen knew, he was sound asleep.  As she watched him, she thought how vulnerable, yet how peaceful, he looked - the tears that still sparkled in his beautiful long eyelashes were the only giveaway to his inner turmoil.  Suddenly, she heard the door open, and she heard Donna talking to the children as she came through into the living room.

"Eileen!" she said, as she walked into the living room.  "I didn't realise you were here!  How long has he been asleep?"

"Just a few minutes!" said Eileen, speaking quietly, so as not to wake him.  "Poor little bugger!  He's spent the best part of an hour pouring his heart out to me.  He was determined not to cry, but in the end, he just couldn't help himself!"

"Oh, God love him!" said Donna, her voice trembling.  "I asked him to be strong for me, it didn't occur to me that he might need someone to lean on, too!  I am so selfish!"

"You're not!" said Eileen, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.  "It's perfectly natural, asking your husband to be strong for you when you're scared, that's what he's here for - you have to lean on each other.  You're both hurting - he wants to help, Donna, but he doesn't know how!"

Rosie lightened the situtation a little, by making an announcement.

"My mummy's got a poorly boob!" she said, climbing on to Eileen's lap.  "but I heard Emily say the doctor will make it better!  Auntie Eileen, what's wrong with daddy?  Why is he asleep?  Is he poorly?"

"No, darling!" said Eileen, smiling at Rosie's none too subtle statement!  "He a bit worried about mummy, that's all!  He's got a cold, and he's a little tired, but nothing for you to worry about!"

"Mummy can make him better!" announced Rosie, none too quietly, causing her daddy to wake up, cussing under his breath.  "If I've got a cold, she puts Vick on my chest - she can put Vick on daddy's chest, too!"

"I like the sound of that!" he said, still half asleep.  "I feel better already!"

"For God's sake, you are insatiable!" said Emily, giving him a withering look.  "Typical man!"

Despite himself, he could not help joining in the good natured laughter that followed.  Whenever times were tough, you could always depend on a child's innocence and honesty to lighten the load just a little.

Just over a week later, Donna was due to attend the hospital for her mammogram, and, needless to say, she was rather nervous.  She had made arrangements for the children - Emily was at school, and her parents were looking after the other three.  As she sat there waiting, in her hospital gown, having stripped to the waist in readiness for her examination, she glanced at Jon, as he stood there staring out of the window.  He seemed lost in his thoughts, and her heart went out to him.

"Come and sit down, love!" she said, holding out her hand.  "I shouldn't have to wait too much longer now!  Please, come and sit with me!  I'm scared!"

The tremor in her voice went straight to his heart, and he immediately sat down next to her, taking her hand in his.  His touch calmed her immediately, and made her feel ready to face what lay ahead of her. Surely enough, just over half an hour later, a nurse called her out her name, and she followed her to the examination room.  When she had gone, Jon glanced nervously at the lady sitting next to him, not quite knowing what to say.  She put her hand on his arm, telling him not to worry.

"I can't help it!" he said, trying in vain to keep the tremor out of his voice.  "I try not to show it, but I can't help thinking the worst!  I know I shouldn't, but I...."

He pressed his hand to his forehead, as he fought for his self control.

"I'm sorry!" he said, his voice a whisper.  "I'm not coping very well!"

"It's all right, dear! You don't have to apologise - it proves you care!  As I said, try not to worry - it's probably completely harmless!"

A few minutes later, Donna reappeared. Her breast was feeling a little tender after the examination, and she just wanted to get home.  He put his arm around her shoulders, and led her back to the car.  On the way home, he noticed she had fallen asleep - this was obviously taking its toll on her.

 As he drove through the quiet country lanes, he sent up a silent prayer that everything would be all right.  They had been through so much lately - surely God would spare them any more pain.  He loved his wife so much, and the thought of anything happening to her - well, he just did not want to contemplate it.  As they pulled up on to the drive, Donna woke up.  He opened the passenger door for her, and, half asleep, she almost fell into his arms, and let him lead her into the house.

"Do you mind if I go upstairs for a lie down?" she said, her arms around his waist, as she kissed him gently.  "I'm so tired!"

"No, you go right ahead!" he said, stroking her cheek. "A couple of hours sleep will do you the world of good!"

As she walked away, he called after her.  She turned back to listen.

"Donna!  It'll be all right - you'll see!  You'll be fine, I know you will!"

She just smiled, before gently squeezing his hand, and making her way upstairs. As he sat there alone in the silence, he suddenly felt rather tearful, he could not work out why.  He held a cushion to his chest, and curled up into a ball, crying softly.  He still did not feel one hundred per cent, and his resistance was still very low.  Suddenly, he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see Clare's concerned little face.  She put her arms around his neck, pressing her little cheek against his.

"No crying, daddy!" she said, her tiny body nestling against his.  "I'm here!  Clare's here!"

Joanne watched the tender little scene unfold, tears rolling down her face. She thought of her sister, asleep upstairs, and thought how empty life would be without her - so many people loved her.  Please, let the news be good, she prayed to herself, before taking her leave.

The hospital did not make Donna wait too long, and a few days later, a white envelope dropped through the letterbox on to the mat.  She picked it up and brought it through into the living room.  Jon looked up from his newspaper, and his heart lurched as he realised what she was holding.  The postman could never have known just what the contents of that letter could mean to them.

"Open it, then!" he said, throwing the paper to one side.  "Put us both out of our misery!"

"I don't want to!" she said, her voice trembling.  "I'm frightened! What if...."

"Donna!  You have to open it!  I'm here for you!  Now, open it, and tell me what it says!"

With trembling fingers, she opened the envelope, and unfolded the letter.  At first, the expression on her face did not give anything away, then, she suddenly threw the letter on the floor, and flung her arms around his neck, sobbing uncontrollably.

"What does it say, Donna?" he pleaded, close to tears himself.  "Stop torturing me!"

"It's a benign cyst!" she said, looking up at him, tears rolling down her face.  "in other words - I'm all right!  There's nothing to worry about - I'm absolutely fine!  I'm .....  oh, Jon, please - don't cry!"

"I'm sorry!" he wept, his voice muffled by her hair.  "Thank God!  Oh, thank God!  I've been to Hell and back, but now my prayers have been answered!  I begged Him not to take you away, and He listened!  Oh, Jesus, Donna - I love you so much!  Oh, God, you don't know..."

"I feel as if I've been given a second chance!" she said, cupping his face in her hands.  "I prayed too, you know, every single night!  He listened to me - I often wondered if God could really hear you when you prayed, but now He's seen fit not to take me away from the man I love and my precious children, I don't wonder any more - I know for sure that He can!"