|
By JourneyAtNight
|
|
10 February 2007 |
Quivering and trailing down the glass.
Tiny watery beads of luminous white,
pearlescent against a bland sky
and capturing every gusting move of the wind,
every melancholy sway of a tree,
each shimmer of a fellow raindrop
as they all race
to settle and gather
in the cracks of a chipped wooden window frame. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | This is really lovely. Plenty of gusting wind and rain today, and this poem perfectly captures the blustery weather viewed from the inside of a house. And we too certainly have our share of chipped window frames.
|
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Really liked this. One of those that suggests detail and leaves the reader free to fill in his own details. I loved the idea of 'fellow' raindrop. I still sit and watch raindrops dance down the window pane and imagine they are racing one another, almost if they had their own little personalities. I suppose that's another poem - and bring out the straight jacket!
Enjoyed very much.
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Yep, I liked this too. Think most of us have sat watching raindrops at some point 
Didn't like breaking the first line after 'and' - thought the break could have come straight after quivering or the first two lines could have been one (better imo) otherwise you're accenting a nothing word and that didn't quite work for me.
Otherwise I thought this a nice snapshot.
Elli |
Written by jsyingling (31 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | I also think this is really nice. I just have a few criticisms about line breaks.
I really like
cracks of a chipped
wooden window
frame.
I would enjoy seeing the poem close off like that. It starts so small, with a single raindrop, expands to encompass the emotion of a rainy day, and then fades back out, all in the time it takes a raindrop to run down a pane.
Great idea, great execution. Keep it up. |
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | I often sit and listen to the rain on the conservatory roof, SOOOO i loved this poem.
I cannot offer advice as to technicalities but i loved the CONTENT.
marybarry  |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | agree with Elli about the line break,
but a lovely piece, a quiet observation . Its nice to see someone write about this understated peek into our everyday observations. Reminded me of plenty of adolescent angst on rainy sunday afternoons, looking out the window and daydreaming!
Fran |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 11th February 2007 | Thanks everyone.
I've fixed the first line as some of you suggested, and it does look and read a bit better.
jsyingling - Thankyou so much for your tip, but I think I might leave it as it is for now. To me, the one long line helps demonstrate the idea of the raindrops settling along the bottom of a window. Thanks anyway though
Fran - ah yes, the rainy day angst and daydreaming! what would we be without it? |
Written by pemberleyprincess (2 comments posted) 25th May 2007 | | i think this is great - really like the use of 'pearlescent' - think it almost deifies the rain - lovely imagery. really enjoyed reading this! |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
