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By Phil
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10 February 2007 |
Final draft.
Many thanks to those who offered criticism of this. I've certainly considered all advice, but perhaps not acted on it all.
This isn't a rewrite, just an edit. Even so, it took quite a while. I'm happy with what this says now (at least to me) but I can't work out if it's decent poetry or not. So, please be honest. Between extremes II
Black.
Here lies certainty, safety and bigotry.
Be safe:
Choose your position,
Learn the mantras,
Fit in,
Never question,
Protect what is yours,
Destroy what isn’t,
Die unfulfilled and full of hate.
Or:
Occupy the shades of grey that lie between
Polarised ends of blind, self serving dogma.
Make a space to live, explore, experience.
Push back the boundaries of lazy, received wisdom
That teaches us all to plunge the judgemental knife
Into the nearest disagreeing back.
Risk the scorn of the mindless masses to
Think your own thoughts and
Live your own life.
White.
Here lies conviction, security and hate.
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bingo
Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | | You've really made a difference to this Phil - and succeeded in making the layout and the words serve their purpose. Prose poetry, yes, but very well crafted now. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Yes -- this is definitely better. I don't have the first version to compare this with, but reading it I could tell that you had made it all much clearer.
Grey is always the harder path to take, so no wonder many people opt for black or white. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Excellent piece, very effective. I really like the idea and thought it came across really well. I also really liked the layout - having the extremes at either end with short, cold remarks and the "between extremes" bit in the middle expressing the real depth.
I dont think I read the original one, but I really enjoyed this.
Best wishes,
E |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Jeez, I really use the word really a lot.  |
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Dear Phil, CONGRATULATIONS.
I am grey but battle the HATE daily.
Life is a journey'
This is wonderful.
Patricia  |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Much much better. Prose poetry as FP says but I've got no problem with that...from what I remember of the previous version this is clearer and less repetitive - makes for a stronger piece imo.
A successful and thought provoking edit.
Elli |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | Even better than the original. A great expression of the attitudinal continuum (hey, did I say that, and is that what it is anyway?).
A moral examination, a piece of moral litmus paper, if I pee on it, will it be white, black or a nice shade of battleship grey? (I have no intention of testing out this theory!).
Well done Pip, a real achievement.
Oli  |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 10th February 2007 | I didnt read the original version but liked this anyway. Im just wondering whether you could have added an extra verse to 'White' as you did with 'Black' in the second verse.
liked 'grey' most. Well expressed, clear in detail, potent in meaning.
I felt the second verse though clear and concise reminded me of those self help style affirmations people are advised to repeat stupidly imo. But maybe that was you employing poetic irony here.. 
enjoyed it
Fran | Fear of 'The Other'
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 | | I think that this is a fabulous poem. Would this type of prose/poem with clipped sentences mirrors the narrow type of thought that such a black and white person must use to reason with? It also gives the reader a clear view of your anger at such thinking. To 'die unfulfilled' must be the most devastating result of such a life, I wonder how many of us are self-aware enough to know what we might have missed? I think that there is more that unites than divides us, if only we could see it...Thanks, Kathy |
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