In honor of fellpony's friend with the possum in the car port. Once again, no animals were harmed in the writing of this story. And I certainly do not encourage associating with the oppossum.
Problems; I guess I’ve had my share – haven’t we all? A man in Panama City, Florida had a bigger problem. It seems a large opossum took residence in his garage and had its way with his workbench and lawn furniture. The damage it caused was bad enough, but the smell that lingered was an unwelcome reward. The fellow made his way to the pest patrol counter at the local lawn and demolition shop to inquire about a remedy. The older fellow at the counter told him he could buy products to diminish the odor, but an opossum will always return. The only time one will not return is to a place where it has had a bad experience. So the thing to do is somehow scare the hell out of the smelly marsupial and it will avoid that place forever more.
The counter-man recommended a squirt gun loaded with turpentine – irritates the animal’s skin, makes the fur fall out in clumps for a few days, and the little pest will be gone.
“Well, hell” says the customer, “I can do that.” So, he made his way back home, and looked through the garage for some turpentine. Finding none, he settled for an alternative: Coleman lantern fuel. “Yeah, that’ll do it.” He thought. “That stuff will really irritate that little varmint and he’ll be gone by supper time.”
When the man saw the old opossum shuffling across the yard that evening, he stood ready with a plastic water bottle full of lantern fuel and with military precision he ambushed the stinky beast and managed to douse it pretty well with kerosene. Well, the counter-man at the lawn and demolition store, who seemed at that time to be the resident expert at exorcising opossums, neglected to tell the afflicted man that after an opossum experiences something so unpleasant their natural tendency is to return as quick as a rabbit to their favorite hiding spot; in this case a box of sprinkler heads nestled in behind the water heater.
It’s funny how a pilot light can ignite a kerosene soaked opossum so easily. And once ignited, the critter ran, leaped, twirled and gyrated throughout the garage, igniting lawn chairs, paint tarps, a plastic garden wagon, the rake and shovel, his wife’s favorite Seven Dwarfs lawn ornaments, and everything else possible, and then bit the man on his ankle before it died.
So, the man was forced to undergo a series of rabies vaccines, the insurance company is still back-peddling about a settlement for garage repairs because they feel the cause of the fire was improperly stored lantern fuel, and lawyers for a local chapter of PETA have left messages on his answering machine. His wife told him he had better find replacements for the charred seven dwarfs before Christmas.
|
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
Loved it, but ithink you should have left the same two characters in the story. Earl, and the writer.
You could build a cult around these two.
We loved them after one story, how do you think we would have loved to meet them again and again.?????
marybarry  |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
Enjoyed very much. While a burning possum might not be very funny in real life, this story made me snigger a few times. Well written. Mary may have a point - it would have been nice to meet Earl again.
Phil. |
delighted
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
to have triggered this little bit of business. Great story.
I'll tell Mary (my 'possum infested friend's called Mary too) she should head on over here and read.
But look out - she's ANOTHER English teacher.
|
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 10th February 2007 |
God help us. One teacher !!! BUT two.
Oh Fellpony I was beginging to like you. marybarry  |
Near fiction
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 11th February 2007 |
It is based on a true event, some guy nearly burned his garage down trying to get rid of opposums, but I never did get the "true" story so I naturally had to make it up.
Mary, this is actually the first story in which I introduce the Lawn and Demolition shop. The Squirrel Bone Tea story came later, and all my other stories about this little town involve Earl and other weird, quirky characters. I didn't want to post this story at first because some people really come down hard on animals dying needlessly, even if only in fiction (can't figure that out, not like I suggest burning possums).
Thanks all for reading, and hope fellpony's friend finds it humorous, but please DO NOT CHASE POSSUMS WITH FLAMABLE LIQUIDS.
BW |
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 11th February 2007 |
Dont cha wurry. I dont think we have possums in the UK.
Lets hear more about Earl and co. marybarry |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
