Chapter 42

Upon hearing the back door open, Donna turned to see who it was, then turned back to the TV again.  As she flicked through the channels, trying to find something that interested her, she said:

"Did Eileen enjoy her cake, then?  Did you have a cup of tea while you were there?  I know you usually do, she makes a good cup of tea, does Eileen..."

"She's gone!" he said, his voice a strangled whisper, staring straight ahead, his eyes lifeless.

"Gone?  Gone where?" said Donna, still not looking at him.

"No! She - she's gone! She wouldn't wake up...."

Donna slowly turned around, as the remote control slipped from her grasp.  She got up from the sofa, and walked over to where he stood, his arms hanging limply by his sides, his shoulders hunched.  He looked at her, his face contorted with pain, his eyes shimmering with tears.  For some reason, he could not cry, he just felt totally numb.  He stiffened as she put her arms around him - it was almost as if he was in so much pain it was almost physical, and he could not bear anyone touching him, even those he loved the most.  Donna began to cry as if her heart would break, her sobs muffled against his chest, as she clung to him as if her life depended on it.

"No, not Eileen!  She can't be!  She was fine when we last saw her - she was just tired, that's all!  I don't understand - what happened?"

"I don't know!" he said, his voice completely expressionless, almost as if he was on automatic pilot.  "All I know is that she's gone!  I came home when her family and the doctor arrived - they didn't need me there!"

"This isn't happening!" said Donna, still holding on to him.  "She can't be gone - not Eileen!  Please, Jon - tell me I'm dreaming, and I'll wake up in a minute!  Jon!  Please, say something!  Talk to me....."

He gently removed her hands from around his waist, and went into the kitchen. Wondering what on earth he was going to do, Donna followed him, and watched, her heart aching, as he stared out of the window, completely incapable of speech. An almost indescribable pain lay hold of his very being - he felt like his very soul had been ripped out.  Tears burned his eyes, but he was quite unable to shed them - it was as if all of his emotions had shut down with the shock.  Donna put her hand on his shoulder, but he gently shook it off.

"Please, darling!" she pleaded, her voice shaking.  "Don't shut me out!  I just want to hold you and love all the pain away, but how can I if you won't let me?  Please....."

"Leave me alone, Donna!" he whispered, brokenly.  "Just leave me alone!"

"You shouldn't be trying to face this on your own!" she said, turning him round to face her.  "Besides, I'm hurting, too!  I loved her, too, you know! It's not just you....."

That simple statement seemed to spark a sudden reaction in him.  Gripping her arms, he held her against the worktop, his eyes blazing, his voice low and angry, as his pain and anger suddenly spilled over.

"No, it's not just me!" he yelled, as she cried with fear and pain.  "I know that!  But it was me who found her!  How do you think that made me feel?  Do you really have any idea?  Do you?!  No, you don't!  You don't, and you never will!"

"Jon, please!" she whimpered, trying to push him away.  "You're hurting me!  Please, let me go!  I'll make you a cup of tea - it's good for shock!  Please - let go!"

"I'm sorry, Donna!"  He immediately let go of her, and slowly backed away, stilll in a complete daze.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!  I'm going to sit down - my legs are shaking, and I'm beginning to feel quite ill...."

His voice trailed off, as he walked slowly into the living room, and sat down on the sofa.  A few minutes later, Donna appeared with two cups of tea, and placed one in front of him.  He sat there with his head bowed, and his shoulders hunched, he kept clenching his fists, as though he were trying to keep his emotions under control.  He glanced up as she sat down next to him, and his eyes filled with tears, when he noticed the angry red marks on her arms.

"Did I do that?" he said, gently touching the marks.  "I'm sorry, Donna!  I didn't know what I was doing, I..."

"It's all right"  She put a gentle hand on his shoulder, and this time he did not shake it off.  "I know you would never hurt me deliberately - you're in pain!  People do things they would never normally do, when they're in pain!  Would it help to talk about it?"

"Won't bring her back, will it?" he said, glancing at her, the look of abysmal pain in his eyes going straight to her heart.  "I can talk about it until I'm blue in the face, but it won't change anything!  We'll never see her again - we'll never see her smile, or watch her in her garden, watering her flowers!  She only had to touch them, and they'd open!  I've lost count of the times I've sat here alone, wondering what to do, and just when I think the world's coming to an end, Eileen has walked through that door, and made me realise that it's only just beginning! Whenever she hugged me, I felt safe and loved, and I felt I could conquer anything - she always knew what to say!  I could always turn to her, she was always there, but not any more...."

"I wish I knew what to say to ease the pain, love!" she said, gently rubbing his back.  "but I don't, because I'm hurting so much!  I loved her, too!  This was so unexpected - I just can't think straight..."

"I thought she was still asleep.." he said, gripping his cup of tea with both hands.  "I didn't want to disturb her, because she said she was tired, so I just left the cake on her coffee table!  I accidentally knocked one of her ornaments down, and it smashed on the hearth - but it didn't wake her up!  I just assumed it was because she was sleeping so soundly!  I tried to kiss her, then I realised....  she wasn't breathing....  I shook her, but she still didn't wake up!  I shook her again, but it was hopeless!  I touched her face - it was cold, Donna, so cold.....  I don't think I'll ever get it out of my head, finding her like that!"

"I'm so sorry, angel!" she whispered, tears streaming down her face, as she gently pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder, and held him fast.  "I'm so, so sorry!  I just thank God I was spared the pain of finding her, because the pain I feel now is bad enough!"

"I just wish I could cry" he said, his voice muffled by her shoulder.  "but for some reason, I can't!  I think the shock of finding her like that has made all my feelings shut down - I don't feel anything - just numb!  This may not make sense to you, but I desperately want to cry - I want to let out all my pain, but there's something stopping me!  My eyes are burning, and my throat's aching, but I still can't cry!  What's wrong with me, Donna?"

"Nothing's wrong with you!  Deep shock often affects people like this - it'll happen, love - when you're least expecting it!  Don't worry, I'll be here, when you need me!  I need you, too - I'm hurting so badly!  I loved her so much, I still can't believe she's gone!  I keep expecting her to walk through that door, saying how much she enjoyed Rosie's birthday cake!"

"Tomorrow we've got to do one of the hardest things we've ever had to to do" he said, gently touching her face.  "We've got to tell our children that Auntie Eileen has gone!  They'll be heartbroken - oh, Jesus, Donna - how will we do it?"

"We'll find a way!  In the meantime, I think we should go to bed, and try and get some sleep!"

"Sleep?" he said, with a bitter laugh.  "The way I feel, I don't think I'll ever sleep again!  Whenever I close my eyes, all I see is Eileen in that chair!"

"You won't always feel that way, love!  It will get easier as time goes on!  Come on, let's go to bed - we'll face the children in the morning!"

As the early morning sun streamed through the curtains, it told them that another new day had dawned - the first day they could remember without Eileen.  God, the world would be a much poorer place without her in it.  Once they had all eaten breakfast, they gathered the children around them, with the exception of Clare, whom they thought was too young to understand, and said they had something to tell them.  Jon seemed completely at a loss, so Donna began to tell them what had happened.

"I've got something to tell you - something very sad" she began, her voice shaking.  "it's really sad, and I know you will all be really upset, but I have to tell you.  It's about Auntie Eileen...."

"Is she poorly?" said Emily, a look of concern on her face.  "I know she said she felt tired!"

"No" said Donna, taking a deep breath.  "It's more than that, I'm afraid!  I don't know how else to tell you this, but Auntie Eileen has gone to Jesus!"

"When is she coming back?" said Rosie, her childlike innocence breaking Donna's heart.  "I want to show her my new dolly!"

"She isn't!" said Emily, beginning to sob. "Jesus is in Heaven - Auntie Eileen has gone to Heaven, she isn't coming back, Rosie!  She's gone forever!"

Donna got up, and lifted Emily out of her wheelchair, and sat with her on the sofa, as she sobbed uncontrollably, hardly able to take it in.

"Is forever a long time?" said Rosie, looking questioningly at her daddy.

"Yes!" he said, taking her hands in his.  "It means, you'll never be able to see Auntie Eileen again - she was poorly, so Jesus is looking after her!"

"Gone forever!" repeated Rosie, still trying to work it out.  "No more kisses!  No more special cuddles!  I did a special painting for Auntie Eileen at pre-school - I painted her flowers!  Perhaps Jesus would give it to her for me!"

That did it.  That simple, but heartwrenching statement broke open the dam that had been threatening to burst ever since it had happened.  He covered his face with his hands, his whole body racked with sobs. Almost paralysed with grief, the sobs gradually built up into uncontrollable howls of anguish, sometimes taking his breath away.  Rosie began to sob, and Emily held out her arms to her, holding her fast.  Donna went over to Jon, and, despite his protests, she held him tightly, gently rocking him back and forth, her tears mingling with his.

As they all clung together, united by grief, one thought was uppermost in their minds - Eileen, their rock and their anchor in life's ocean - was gone.  What on earth were they going to do without her?