Some of you may know that this is a topic I tackle on and off: I think this is a better effort than some of the previous. It's a first draft so I'd appreciate criticisms and comments as to whether it makes sense.
I knew that you were coming
before you arrived, so proud
in my naivete for guessing what the swollen
belly and showers of baby clothes portended.
Having one brother already I wished
with eyes closed and fists clenched for a sister.
And then there you were: small, scrunched baby boy
tinged with blue, packaged in plastic. A source of grief, quiet
and outspoken, for no reason I could unravel.
A rubik's cube, neatly wrapped in primary-coloured promises
but underneath, traces of an invader,
where what might have been clean cut uniformity
was instead muddled confusion.
White should have flowed seamlessly into yellow
but orange and red crept in, and in their wake green and blue mingled.
A mosaic we do not understand and cannot solve -
no sheets of stickers to provide an easy fix.
There is beauty in the random shuffling: in wide brown eyes
and goofy smile, in slurring speech and firm embrace
and I must look again as often as I can
and steer away from thoughts of chance that take me back.
Twenty-One: Unlucky for some
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 12th February 2007 |
My overall impression of this is good, Elli, but I wonder if most people will get the reference to twenty-one; it helps if you are familiar with Downs, but will leave many people puzzled, I believe.
I like your last stanza best -- random shuffling, wide brown eyes and goofy smile. I also liked 'a source of grief, quiet and outspoken;' that is what I remember from the time my cousins had their own severely disabled babies. I thought that the color references were good too, but I wonder if I am understanding them correctly.
This can't be an easy thing to write about, and I am filled with admiration for you for tackling it. |
Hi Elli
Written by fellpony (1724 comments posted) 12th February 2007 |
I liked this. I haven't read any of your other tries at the topic yet. Sibling rivalry eh ... I expect many of us can empathise with that to a greater or lesser degree. I enjoyed the images such as "packaged in plastic" - hospital cot perhaps?
I did get a bit lost in the middle:
"where what might have been clean cut uniformity
was instead muddled confusion.
White should have flowed seamlessly into yellow
but orange and red crept in, and in their wake green and blue mingled."
I couldn't quite work out a link between those lines and the rest... could be me. Purity, ==> cheerfulness, ==> rage, ==> jealousy???
I think your meaning could work without those lines though.
The last line's a bit cryptic and you could probably remove it, leaving the penultimate one to carry the "chance" and the infant jealousy on its own.
Nice piece.
|
Ah
Written by fellpony (1724 comments posted) 12th February 2007 |
thanks Witzl - I see now what some of those references are. No, I didn't get that first time around Elli.
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Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 12th February 2007 |
Thanks both- this is very rough as yet, working on a rewrite. I really need the feedback on this as I find it tricky to tell where to draw the line between being too preachy and being too cryptic. As yet it remains elusive.
Some good pointers there 
Elli |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 12th February 2007 |
Liked verse three very much and the last line particularly. Twenty-one, in most a year of celebration, in this case a genetic twist.
Even though I like the idea of a puzzle, represented by the Rubik's cube, I'm not sure about verse four. I think I know what you're saying, but I'm not sure it works.
Overall, good piece. For me, you need to keep the ending for sure.
Phil. |
the invader
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 12th February 2007 |
"Traces of an invader" seems to be the hinge in this piece. I like the abstractness of it, because it fits the subject. There is no way to understand completely, unless one already understands -- it is kind of like that.
Nice poem, very captivating in parts, interesting use of shapes and colors to define the imagery.
BW |
HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2369 comments posted) 13th February 2007 |
| I liked this - better than your offerings on the same topic. Nt that I didn't appreciate those too. I didn't understand the 21 reference until Witzl cleared it up - but to explain it might ruin the poem. |
twenty one
Written by fellpony (1724 comments posted) 13th February 2007 |
| I can see, with the info supplied by Witzl in her review, this ending is important - so would suggest you simply give a clue earlier in the poem as to why the number matters, then the reader can work it out. Just as it is right now, it is a reference from the blue. This poem's clearly something you very much need to write, and important for others too if you can get it right. |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 13th February 2007 |
lovely poem, I enjoyed reading this and felt it struck a perfect balance between being highly personal yet still accessible for the reader. I enjoyed the rubiks cube line and how it ties in with phrases like 'random shuffling', 'muddled confusion' and some of the colour references.
Well done
Fran |
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 13th February 2007 |
The rubiks cube genetic metaphor didn't really grab me - but I understand the emotions which underly this poem.
Personal and cathartic I think. Not your most engaging piece, but still 100% Elli
Oli |
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