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Poetry
Little Ripped Riding Hood
By thegirl89
12 February 2007
This is one of the first proper peices of writing I've done other than coursework (and doodles of words), so it's a bit dodgy...I wrote it imagining an Angela Carter style Wolf attack. I've also always been fascinated by how some of the 'toughest' 'get on with life' people are actually falling apart in front of us.

An oceanic gash in our fair maiden's rib,
It was torn from each side to side.
"Now then, my sweet, let's have a quick look
At the things you've been trying to hide!"
His snout shivered and quivered,
And thithered and withered,
And all sorts of things I'd never seen!
"A broken heart here, a few beatings there,
Just look at them shimmer and gleam!"
He parted his lips with the tip of his tongue.
Just look at it dip in and out.
"There's no hope for you, you're worn through and through!
Nearly empty, that's without a doubt!"
The maiden, who through this whole time was just watching
The wolf as he sniffed, licked and leered,
"Just take what you want," she idly spoke,
"My past makes me strong, not impared."
The Wolf faltered. He had never before eaten
A girl of such courage and strength.
Then on closer inspection, as he probed her whole spectrum,
From her torn toes to her battered face,
Looked into her eyes, that were of the grey kind,
And saw she was utterly blind.
You look at her now. No, much deeper you go,
Beyond that diamond facade.
Examine the rock, as I and Wolfie do now,
And you'll see, she is not all that hard.
Of a softer geology, is made our fair maid.
Out of diamonds you cannot make blood.
This oak with strong roots does not see her own scars.
In fact, she is all in her head.

Reviews
Dizzying
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 12th February 2007
in its agglomeration of metaphor . Too much , too much! 
 
patterjack

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 13th February 2007
I'm have a real soft spot for metaphors and similes so I enjoyed the first half of this piece. For me the weaker part started from the line 'Then on closer inspection,...' 
where the metaphor started to sound forced and tired as a result. 
 
Your efforts here reminded me of a poem by Vicki Feaver called Judith. Its a very physical poem and I think you'll enjoy it. You should be able to do find it on the net. 
 
a good effort anyway, you definately have imagination! 
 
Fran

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 13th February 2007
oops... first line.. (I have a)  
 
and .. (able to find it on the net.) 
 
any other typos and odd punctuation.. sorry  
 
Fran

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th February 2007
Yep - some good stuff in here. Liked the concept very much but I thought it overwritten - cut down on the alliteration and assonance and generally simplify here and there and you'll have a far more accessible and probably far more powerful piece. Interesting idea but here I definitely think less is more. 
 
Elli

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