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Non-Fiction
Is it a bird?
By Snodlander
14 February 2007
Be kind.  I have man-flu and can't sleep.

“Bob, can I ask you a favour?”

Sue was one of the organizers of the kindergarten.  I had turned up for one of the meetings when we first put Grace in.  The only man.  And all further meetings were held in the afternoon when I was away at work.

But I recognized her.  She popped up from time to time in Snodland life.

“Sure.”  In retrospect, a ‘What favour?’ would have been more appropriate.

“Would you be Father Christmas?”

I looked at Jacqui.  She had spent the last few months making Christmas decorations and the like.  The First Snodland Annual Community Centre Christmas Bazaar was her opportunity to start a craft retail empire.  Or not, as it turned out.  I was here to help set up the table and to deter shoplifters.  She nodded her assent.

“I’m only thirty-three, you know”, I said.  But there was no heart in it.  I am a sucker for any opportunity to perform.

“All you have to do is walk around in the costume, handing sweets out to the kids.” Sue explained, handing me a sack of clothing and a tin of Quality Street.

I disappeared into the offices and reappeared, scarlet-clad and snowy-haired.

“Ho ho ho” I laughed jovially, sweet tin in hand.  Pre-school children stared open-mouthed, a mixture of wonder and terror on their faces.  Isn’t it odd?  We spend all year telling them not to accept sweets off of strangers, and then at Christmas…

Older children looked at me shyly, embarrassed by their belief, but, for the most part, believing anyway.  Teenagers looked and laughed, making jokes behind their hands.

A girl of about eight confronted me, hands on hips, cross expression on her face.

“Ho ho ho?” I ventured, tentatively holding the sweets between her and me.

“You’re not the real Father Christmas!” she accused.

“Erm, yes I am.” I ventured.  I felt that, as an adult, I should have the natural advantage and authority here, but it didn’t appear so.

“No, you’re not.  You’re the man that helps that lady put her stuff out on the table.  I saw you.”

“Ah.  There’s a reason for that.  Now, it’s a secret, so you mustn’t tell anybody.  You know Superman?”

She nodded impatiently.  What sort of moron was I if I thought she didn’t know who Superman was?

“Well, you know how, when he doesn’t want people to know he’s Superman, he pretends to be Clerk Kent?”

Another nod.

“Well, I’m really Father Christmas, but when I don’t want people to recognize me, I pretend to be the man that helps that lady with her table.”

Her eyes opened wide enough to fall out.  “Really?” she gasped in awe.

“Really” I replied, handing her a coffee cream.  “But don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret.”

And I walked off, desperately avoiding eye contact with the mother of the astonished girl.

Reviews
HI Snodlander
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 13th February 2007
Good one. I'm glad you felt well enough to write it. And I hope your man flu is soon better. 
 
That was inspired thinking - the superman bit. I really enjoyed reading the story. Good for you also being willing to turn up for a nursery school parents' meeting even if it was only once.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3447 comments posted) 14th February 2007
You have convinced me I was right to avoid these school meetings. As much as I admire your quick thinking it was an awful bit of deception on the poor kid. I wonder how long she harboured that secret. 
I remember as a kid in Croydon a huge department store,Allders, had a sign "3 Fr Christmasses; no waiting". How would you have talked you way out of that one? 
Sorry about the cold...I mean flu....I mean man-flu 
J

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 14th February 2007
That man flu is tough. And I should know: I've coddled sufferers while burning up with fever from woman flu.  
 
This is great, Snodlander: I loved it that you actually wanted to do it. At our kids' nursery school in Japan, I half jokingly volunteered my husband one year and damn near ended our marriage. Fortunately, the Santa suit was not big enough to cover his corpulence. But oh, the disappointment of the poor schmuck who got roped into doing it every year. He was pathetically grateful when he first learned someone else might be taking over his duties. 
 
Last Halloween, I told the kids in our neighborhood that for 100 grams of candy I gave out, I got a discount from the local dentist, and that I had already funded 40% of my next root canal treatment. And would you believe that a lot of the little buggers took me seriously? My kids have still not entirely forgiven me.

Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 14th February 2007
Thats so good, I am with you on every opportunity to perform, especially where it is to an adoring wide eyed audience of kids - less critical feedback. 
 
Loved the imagery of the little girl and her astute observation and your devious responce.

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 17th February 2007
Enjoyed this very much.  
 
I'm surprised no-one has commented on your cruelty. Not only did you feed the girl a load of bull - you gave her the coffee cream. Coffee? 
 
Hope the flu's better. Give yourself a few weeks to recover before you even think of leaving the sofa. 
 
Phil.

Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 17th February 2007
Snoddy I dident think you were a liar. 
Are you the same guy who told me many years ago, 
 
that he was Santa's twin and was helping out. 
 
I still suffer to this day. 
I hope the flu was BAAAAD. you deserve it. 
 
Have to admit it was good. Patricia :upset :upset :upset :grin

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