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Poetry
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Mea Culpa
By Calenheniel
14 February 2007
Honestly, I'm not sure WHAT to say about this piece, exactly; I'm assuming that I was in a dreary mood at the time, probably due to stress from school.  I wrote this last year as an experimental work, but ended up liking it enough to post it up on a few sites. 

Please review! Smile

Take notice of my sins;
Know that I have failed you.

My deceit runs deep,
But it must be unmasked;
I cannot desire redemption.

I don't ask for forgiveness,
Nor for eternal understanding;
Just remember that I loved you—
Know that I have failed you.

Reviews

Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 14th February 2007
Very self-deprecating, some may say pathetic - I wouldn't be so harsh, having written some self-piteous "masterpieces" myself. 
 
I think that the mistake of many wannabe poets is to internalise, rather than externalise. In other words, I am much more interested with your interpretation of the world than what goes on entirely within the confines of your skull.  
 
We all have troubles, but I learned eventually that "Oh, woe is me!" makes for very dull reading. 
 
Cheers, 
Oli :)

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 14th February 2007
With Oli (mostly) on this one. Starts well. I like the imperative verb form at the beginning and the repetition of, 'Know that I have failed you.' But as Oli says, the piece as a whole is too introspective. 
 
I like a good rhythm in poetry and even though this had a strong 'beat', it was very staccato. 
 
Good ideas. Just needs a bit of thought and a wider (more worldly?) viewpoint. 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 14th February 2007
Needs a twist. Trouble with this one (for me anyway) was that having read th efirst line you can pretty much guess how the rest of it will go. There was nothing that made me sit up and take notice and think - oh, i hadn't looked at it that way before. 
 
I think that if you're going to tackle a topic like this which has been done many times before (often badly) then you really need something original to say on the matter. 
 
Hope you find the feedback constructive. 
 
Elli

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