Great Writing - Home > Poetry > The First Time
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1911 guests online and 4 members online
Poetry
The First Time
By poetwithnorhyme
16 February 2007
I decided to be sweet _and_ honest for once. I like the results.

I know I'm a bit late for Valentine's Day but I was busy, sue me.


It's after midnight and I can hardly move.
You miss a breath and I ask you, "what's wrong?"
You flash that cute smile and give me that old ruse:
"Nothing." said in a voice that's my favorite song.

I press on and try to break through your defense.
You tell me that it's hard to explain, but
You try. Your attempt leaves me in suspense.
You let slip your secret and our restraints are cut.

It's after three and I can hardly move.
I use a metaphor, sweet words, to explain.
Something about jumping into a cold pool.
My confidence falters, I lift my head in vain.

You grab my hand and take the last of my cool.
You whisper in my ear, "Just jump." I do.

Reviews
ooh...
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 16th February 2007
very nice pwnr, interesting, I like =) 
 
First and third stanzas are definitely stronger than teh second, maybe just some re-wording would set that right.  
 
Not sure why but swapping round 'a metaphor' and 'sweet words' would make that line flow better, though perhaps that's just me. 
 
a late Happy Valentines day, and well done =D 
 
clo
Thanks
Written by poetwithnorhyme (11 comments posted) 16th February 2007
I like your idea about swapping the words in the tenth line. 
 
I'm glad you liked it, the girl I wrote it for loved it :) 
 
Also, I just noticed, and think it's really awesome, that the acronym for this screenname is pwnr. Pwnt!

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item