The northern version of Ready, Steady, Cook. Hosted by the late Bill Owen, (Compo from Last Of The Summer Wine) he even wears his LOTSW costume whilst hosting, bless him.

BILL: Eyup, 'n it's grand t' 'ave yer all 'ere forranuther smashin' episode o' Ready, Steady, Fry Up. Na then; let's go an' meet who's gunna be cookin' ont' grey whippet team.. [heads over stage left, where Bernard Manning is stood]

BILL: Na then Bernard me ol' mucker. Tell us all abaart yer guest for t'day..

BM: Eyup Bill. I heard thy'd snuffed it? Reight then, this is Bob, 'n he's frum Barnsley. [round of applause for Bob, who's got a tab end in his mouth, and a flat cap on]

BILL: Eyup Bob. Nah then, tell us what yer spent yer fiver on.

BOB: Eyup Bill. Well me an' ar' lass did t'shoppin', an' we got this packet o' sausages, 2 quid, this packet o' bacon, a quid, this tin o' beans, a quid, and this loaf o' bread, ten bob.

BILL: Champion. Well what did tha do wi' change?

BOB: Eh? It wo' only a few coppers Bill.

BILL: Still, it int' thine, so 'and t' bugger over! [hand outstretched. Bob reluctantly hands Bill the change from his five pound budget]

BILL: Ta. Nah then; Bernie. Wot's thi' initial thoughts on what tha might do wi' this lot?

BM: Hmmmm [scratching his arse] Well tha knows Bill, I might chuck a few o' them there sausages into a pan of hot lard, then chuck some o' that bacon in anorll. Mebbe we can waaarm them beans up in anuther pan. I'll hatta think abart that bread forra bit...

BILL: Reet thy is. Int' meantime, lets goo ovva an' say eyup to us' next team.

[Round of applause. Bill walks over stage right, with his hands stuffed in his trouser pockets. He pretends to be walking over a narrow beam, before kicking an imaginary pebble into an imaginary pond]

BILL: Nah then, let's all say eyup to the brown ferrets captain, the late Freddie Truman! [more applause as Bill shakes Freddies hand]

FT: Eyup kid. Arta' gooin'?

BILL: Not three bad ol' lad, an' arsthi sen?

FT: Bloody rotten champion thanks.

BILL: Reight then. Tell us who thaz got withi' this aft, our kid. [Bill looks at Freddie's guest, who's in his twenties, has a sensible side-parting and is wearing an Arsenal shirt. As he speaks, there's something about Bill's facial expression, tone of voice and choice of words, that suggests he's not too keen on southerners..] EYUP! Who's this c*nt?!?

FT: Well this prick's Gavin, and he's a student from somwhere down south.

BILL: [To Gavin] Wot's thy doin' up 'ere? Is tha lost or summat? [Turns to Freddie] Wot's tha brought this tosser on fo'? Eh?

FT: Bugger off will tha? Weren't me that picked him. I wanted that Nell McAndrew!

BILL: Ah well, tough shit coz thaz lumbered wi'yim naa. [To Gavin] Ho! What's tha spent thi' money on, yer soft southern jessy?

GAVIN: Ok, well I purchased this loaf of wholemeal bread, a couple of organic eggs, some celery, a couple of potatoes and a bottle of red wine. Five pounds exactly.

BILL: [Looks to audience, feigning shock] So what'ya reckon yer gunna rustle up wi' yall this shite Fred?

FT: Pass.

BILL: Well, there we go! My money's on t' grey whippets, so wi'yart further ado, it just leaves me t' say Ready, Steady, Fry Up!

[Camera is on the whippets]

BM: There tha guz Bob, get a chunk o' that lard in that pan, gerrit on full whack will tha? [Talks to audience, as all good cookery show hosts do] Well wot we're doin' 'ere, is I'm just gunna lay these lovely juicy sausages in't pan o' lard, and let 'em sizzle until the' nice 'n' black. That's it Bob, sling 'em in. [Plooms of smoke bellow up] Nah while they're fryin' away nicely, wot I'm gunna do is oppen this pack o' bacon. [To Bob] Get that bloody bacon oppen will tha? So dun't forget to keep turnin' thi sausages ovva, yer know. Reight, am gunna lob summa this bacon in [sizzling really loud now, fat splashing all over the place] EYUP! watch thi' sen Bob.

[Cut to BILL who's observing] By-eck, they look grand them. [Saunters over to Freddie's team, pretending to skim an imaginary flat pebble over the same imaginary pond, as though still on the Last Of The Summer Wine set]

BILL: Wot's tha doin' Freddie? Is tha gunna start cookin' or wot?

FT: Finished. [Points to a sandwich on the table] I 'ad to chuck all that shite this soft twat bought. Anyhows, I managed t' find a tub o' drippin' in't fridge, so that'll do for me. I'll sit n' get pissed on this wine an' 'ave mesen a drippin' butty. [Fred turns to Gavin] Thy'd better piss off anorll, cos' after i've supped this I might just be tempted t' clump thi one!

BILL: Well! I'll gutta' foot 'n our stairs! [returns to Bernards team, who are just removing a load of burnt sausage and bacon from their pan, topped with a healthy dollop of lukewarm baked beans on top.]

BM: Chuck a bit more lard in Bob, we'll do us a bit o' fried bread. [Bob pops 2 slices in the frying pan] Get in there yer bugger! [After a minute, all is served, presented beautifully, save for the bit o' fag ash that's dropped in from Bobs tab end] There tha guz!

BILL: Well, there's no doubt that these grey whippets ar't winners this week. A round of applause please, an' sithi all next week on Ready, Steady, Fry Up.