A camera crew returning home after filming for a new David Attenborough series has reported seeing Jade Goody hunting in the River Ouzombo in East Angola.

Chief cameraman Graham described the incident. "We were filming this enormous herd of wildebeest as they were crossing the river. There were hundreds of them in this small stretch of water, with about 30 or 40 crocodiles waiting in ambush. Then some of the crocs started jostling with each other and splashing mud into each others eyes.

"At this point we noticed one of the crocs had an exceptionally large mouth and a very loud cockney accent. We instantly recognised her as Jade. She spotted a wounded calf that was struggling in the water and launched a vicious attack. Then she took it to the bank and hauled it out of the water. As soon as she spotted our cameras she snivelled 'I'm so sorry, hand on heart, I'm so ashamed of myself. I honestly don't approve of what I just done.'

"Then she dragged the carcass to this machine, cranked the handle and out came a large pile of gnu-burgers in sesame seed buns with pickled gherkins. One of the smaller crocs was coming a bit too close so she chased it away and swallowed all the burgers in one gulp."

We spoke to Sir David Attenborough after showing him footage of this year's Celebrity Big Brother. "This is not surprising, it is entirely natural behaviour for a large crocodile. Shilpa Shetty is young, healthy and nutritious and would have been completely unaware of the danger she was in. She would have been a particularly welcome addition to Jade's menu and can count herself extremely lucky that she's still in one piece."

Jade is currently working on a new cookery series aimed at promoting some of the less well known and more exotic cuisines of the world. It will be entitled 'Get Yer Teeth Inta This!'