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Poetry
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Venegance
By stan
17 February 2007
This poem's straight from the heart (as with all my others) so I would really appreciate any views or opinions on it from somebody who knows something about poetry Laughing.
cheers

Vengeance
You smite thee down,

down upon the ground,

But when I recover there is nothing left,

you have committed an act of theft,

Of everything I ever had and owned,

And now I stand here all alone,

Everything has crumbled everything is taken,

But this is time for me to awaken,

For from the ashes I will come,

And will not rest till I am done,

Done will be the day when I can safely say,

That I have had my vengeance.


Reviews

Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 17th February 2007
Hi Stan, 
You smite thee down???? 
small i ?? 
 
cumbled ?? 
For a 14 year old, very good. 
The best advice i received was TO EDIT. Afraid I still make mountains of errors with punctuation. 
 
Edit, Sam! 
Welcome to the site. Look foreward to reading your stuff. 
marybarry. :grin :grin

Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 17th February 2007
You did mean VENGENCE didnt you/ not venagance. 
MB. :roll

Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 17th February 2007
I disagree entirely with Pat, for a reasonably intelligent 14 y/o this is atrocious, bad spelling, bad grammar, little sense... 
 
If I was your teacher it would be extra homework. Try reading something and see how it should be done. This must have been rushed. 
 
You say that it comes from your heart, try involving the brain in the process too, its not against the rules Stan. 
 
Haha - Stan and Oli :grin

Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 17th February 2007
You've got to start somewhere and I suppose the best place is with what makes sense. The very first line makes little sense to me and put me off from the start. 
 
You smite thee down 
 
I always thought 'thee' was the archaic form of you, hence: 
 
You strike you down - is that what you meant? 
 
When I read on I thought you possibly may have meant -You strike me down. 
 
Poetry should leave the reader with some thinking to do - but not guessing about the basic meaning of the words you use. 
 
Keep them coming. If you edit and think, people will always give you a fair crack of the whip. 
 
Phil. 
 
Phil.

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