Just a short story I thought of doing one day, any views or opinions would be much welcome. cheers. (this piece does contain a wee bit of strong language and violence) Rose's negligence
Rose breathed deeply. This was now turning into something serious. She had to get herself to a hospital, quick. Not to mention Brian. Was he dead? Rose mustered no courage to even peek around the corner. All she knew was that she had dealt Brian a lethal blow around the head region, and that she had dug one in his ribs just for good measure.
''Oh shit, Oh shit!'' Rose kicked the door in aggravation and began to wonder whether, if she had acted sooner, if any of this would have happened. she now regretted her negligence towards the same problem she had been faced with earlier that year. She began to remember her friends crowding round her with negative faces, remarking to each other what a bastard he was for doing it again. But Rose hadn't taken any notice whatsoever of her friends' concern and proceeded to block the - in her view - minuscule worry from entering the decisive realms of her mind.
Okay, Brian had hit her, a couple of times. Well five, but surely that wasn't a lot. Yes, he was often in one of his 'moods' at the time but even Brian had explained that he had accidentally did these things, and Rose had eaten up every word Brian had fed her. But Rose's friends weren't having any of it. Rose could distinctly remember Sasha, after receiving the news, exclaiming,
''What a little shit! I've always said he was bad news.'' Rose could then see as clear as day the face that was pulled by Sasha when seeing Rose's 'wound' as her girlfriends had over exaggerated it. Now however, Rose was beginning to contemplate that night when her friends tended to her limp frozen body, and their innumerable attempts to convince Rose that Brian was a sick bloke. Were they right? Had Rose been kidding herself the whole time that Brian and her were hunky-dory? Or would the violence stop if she just left it alone? Rose was stuck between two options, and she was stuck alright, stuck tight.
Now though as Rose sat in the kitchen quivering, she had come to her senses, or what was left of them after the initial flurry of Brian's fists in her face. She could still feel the blood trickling carelessly down her face and onto the floor. Rose had experienced occurrences such as this before. The violent spouts of maliciousness that Brian spat out had never been like this though. Before there had been instances where Brian's incontrollable fury had got the better of her, and Rose had been restricted to trembling from fright and shear terror. Rose still could not stir a limb. She took a gulp of air. She heard a sound. He had awoken. His shadow could now be seen at Rose's feet. He was lurching towards her direction. She could sense his anger. He could smell the fear on her garments. Rose screwed up her face. It was too late to run. She had fought back and these were the consequences. Afterwards she would go straight to the police. After Brian had his fun with her she would flee to her parents. She would never see Brian again. That would be it. Rose detected a flavour of relief. She would just have to face Brian one more time. Then, no more. Brian stalked around the corner and into the kitchen. Rose was still tied up in her protective shell. Breathing. Not deeply. Just normally. Normally, because of the new life she would have away from Brian. He was close now. Very close. Rose could almost see life without Brian. This was it. One more time of this and she was free from unbearable torment. Brian now loomed over her.
''There you are''.
Rose never got to see her life without Brian. That night, Brian lost his temper to the extreme and Rose lost her life because of it.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th February 2007 | Hello, Stan. I checked your profile before writing my review and saw that you are fourteen. Wow. I wrote when I was fourteen two, but nowhere near this well. I am going to be blunt and tell you that this story is, for me, one of those pieces that, since it is this good, ought to be better. My first complaint here is that when you've just dealt someone a near-fatal blow, you're going to call for help and then get the hell out. No woman in her right mind who's been beaten five times waits around for enraged mate to recover so that he can lay into her again. Rose would get out while the getting was good -- unless there were mitigating circumstances. Your job is to think of those circumstances -- perhaps she is disabled or blind, perhaps she is afraid of leaving the house, perhaps she cannot speak English. But I think you need to play around with some factor that would keep her near Brian for the time it took him to recover. Finally, I think you could revise the last sentence to make it less obvious. 'Brian's face, red with fury, was the last thing she saw before his hands went around her neck and her world went black' tells the reader the same thing, but lets her use her imagination. It's more fun to figure out things for yourself than it is to be fed them. But I'll tell you one thing, if I'd written like this when I was 14 I'd be Feodor Dostoevsky right now. By the way -- what is a Gingernut? | Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 17th February 2007 | Hi Stan. I have a son the same age as you, and this piece of writing caught my eye, as it was so cleverly written, with some very descriptive and strong language. The odd bit of bad language is OK, as it can sometimes add to a piece. The mark of a good story for me is if I find myself totally immersed in it, from beginning to end, and can not tear myself away - and your story affected me just like that. If you can write like this at 14, then you have a talent, that you should make the most of. I started writing at your age, and have never stopped. I always find it very relaxing. BTW, Witzl -a gingernut is a biscuit! | Also, Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 17th February 2007 | a gingernut is reference to someone with ginger hair - my dad was ginger when he was a young man! | Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th February 2007 | I've just spotted my typo -- 'two' for 'too' in the second line of my review -- and could just weep for shame. Thank you, Lyn -- I was pretty sure that Stan wasn't a biscuit, but I wasn't 100% sure that 'Gingernut' meant redhead! | Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 17th February 2007 | Second last line Stan, Should be got, not, get. I loved it. You are good. BUT GET BACK NOW and edit Revenge. mb. | Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 18th February 2007 | As above. At the risk of sounding patronising, a remarkable piece for a 14-year-old. Some pedanticisms. Don't end a para with a comma. Normally speech is set out in it's own paragraph. I.E. 'Rose could distinctly remember Sasha, after receiving the news, exclaiming, ''What a little shit! I've always said he was bad news.'' ' 'shear' should be 'sheer'. If she had dealt a lethal blow, Brian would be dead. I would suggest a different adjective, like sickening. I disagree with Witzl on the woman necessarily running away. People in these situations have a bizarre mentality at times of stress. The stories I could tell. She could have been frozen there with fear or conditioning. However, it might have added dramatic tension if Brian had somehow incapacitated her, broken an ankle or something, before he went down. All in all, a very good first post. Now you've set this standard, though, what are you going to do to keep it up? | Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | I'll second Witzl and Snodlander on this one. Just to clarify, this is a really good effort for one so young, but as Witzl says, having come so far, it could have been even better. Looking forward to more Stan. Phil. | A nice start Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | I'm being boring and unoriginal and echoing what everyone else has said. But as I'm not the sort to simply say "ditto," I'll give you a little more. Again. 14? Geeze. You write with a lot of intensity and maturity. It was such an intriguing idea, I'd like to see more. I suggest drawing out the emotion a little more in the beginning. What exactly is Rose feeling towards Brian? She wonders if he's dead. Does she hope he is? If he were, would she be guilty? Relieved? If he weren't, would she be scared or possibly grateful? Emotions can be very complex in these situations. |
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