A piece of flash-fiction
On the twentieth day of our journey ashore since we had anchored in the lost harbor, we approached a division on the trail. One path continued through the jungle along the shoreline. The other path rose up from the jungle and into a higher plane that was forested with conifer, poplar, oak and beach trees. I separated the party into two groups; Edmund continued along the shoreline path with twelve men. I led the remaining twelve up into the forested plane.
The sun was setting on the horizon, and the sky a hazy purple and gold. As the highland path began to level off, approximately 1000 feet above the shoreline, we came upon an assembly of people as they stood in the forest chanting “Leave us alone, we are happy.” As I watched, a hundred of these people gathered in a circle holding hands and in unison they whispered, “The Forest is happy, hear it sing.”
In the middle of the circle, gathering warmth from a fire stood a naked child. In the child’s hand was held a shiny chrome sphere which reflected the orange and yellow and blue that danced in the flames and cast these colors among the trees of the forest. The forest became a fusion of brightness and the people of the forest grew quiet.
It was later reported by Edmund that at precisely that same moment on that day his team stepped into a clearing at the edge of a thriving city near a bay. His reports tell that the sun was very hot and the sky was a hazy gray. The people in the city walked about quickly, saying “Out of my way, I’m too busy.” It all seemed slightly chaotic when just as quickly the people in the city all stopped to witness the fusion of bright colors launched from the forest, which became a festive array of reflections on all the buildings and houses, as if dancing to the tune of Joy.
The people of the city all shouted “Leave us alone, we are happy.” With equal effort the people of the forest whispered “The forest is happy, hear it sing.” Then the sky exploded in thunder and sheets of rain began to fall. Now, the people of the forest dashed quickly to find shelter while the people of the city stood laughing and getting wet.
Our charter was to analyze all civilizations that we might discover and provide full reports to the governing council upon our return. As the people of the forest and those of the city seemed adequately rooted in their own beliefs, values, and interactions, we determined that there were no significant differences to report.
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Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 18th February 2007 |
At the end of the day we are all the same in our differences!!
Very cleverly written, I enjoyed it, only wished it could have been longer.
As you know I am not competent to comment on the technicalities of writing. In my opinion Very Good.MB  |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Well it certainly caught and held my attention. I thought the style of it was right, as if it was being written in that stilted way of official reports. You cleverly manage to sidestep being to specific but still provide enough context to satisfy the reader
Good Piece
J |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Not my favourite of yours, but you can't lease everyone all of the time. For me, a little too vague. What I've really liked about all your prose so far is the way you effortlessly (seemingly) build a scene and character in few words. Perhaps there were just too few here.
Phil. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
| lease=please Whoops |
A clever bit of writing
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
| I agree with Phil that it was a bit vague, but I liked your overall tone and style. Your descriptions were lovely while still being appropriately succinct and "scholarly." I found it intriguing and wanted a bit more when it was done. |
Scene building
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
thanks all for comments, and I admit to the sparse content. This version is about 10 years old, but the original I wrote about 15 years ago for a lit class I was taking. The assignment was to describe a scene from which a broader story could be developed. The premise was that someone else (maybe two or three others) would develop the future story. I got a good grade as the teacher felt it would be very obvious to other writer(s) what type of story this should become, which was science fiction, naturally, even though I don't write that genre very well at all.
As I remember the assignment, the next phase was to develop the characters (protagonist, antagonist, hero, villian, the lover(s) etc...).
Thanks all for good comments.
BW |
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