"There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: the
way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way
of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid." - Proverbs 30: 18-19
The first time their hands touched, both instinctively withdrew,
mumbling awkward apologies, and avoiding eye-contact. They were walking
back to the car together, walking down the forest track. The sun was
not shining, but the temperature was still reasonable. The bird-song,
the smell of the pinewood, and the absolute silence otherwise placed
them alone in the world. No one else mattered just now; they had each
other.
The second time their hands touched, they looked at each other,
both astonished; but quickly - too quickly - fell back to talking about
work, family, and friends. They had worked together for a year now, and
this was their first time alone, walking back to the car so they could
drive back to work for the afternoon. A school outing which they had
been staffing, but from which they had to return, each for a different
reason, gave them the opportunity to talk of other things, with no one
to overhear or to jump to wrong - or right - conclusions.
The third time their hands touched, he held on to hers, and pulled her
to a stop. She was reluctant to stop. She would be late for her
meeting; he would be late for class. He refused to let her go. She
relented just before he gave in in embarrassment; he had not misread
her, after all. They stopped, facing each other, him holding her hand
in his, and neither said a word. They simply looked into each other's
eyes; and the world, and the forest, and the track, and the trees, and
the bird-song all but disappeared. |
Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 2nd January 2006 | TITLE - is it eye-catching, relevant to story? Good title and relevent if a littlerbit of a cliche BEGINNING - Does it hook you, lead into the story, relevance Good beginning. Nice short sentences. VOICE/VIEWPOINT - Does it come across well, show personality, is it right for the story, well handled? For the shortness of the piece I think you are getting their with the chap's voice, especially with the 'nearly becoming embarassment, I think we can all relate to that. CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE - Do personalities show up; are they stereotypes; are they right for the story? As you have written a short moment and not had time to expand I think the guy is ok, would have liked a little more about her though. USE OF ENGLISH/STYLE - Does it read well? Imaginitive use of language/imagery/layout, does it show 'sparkle'? Are there spelling errors/typos/jarring grammatical errors? Generally very good, though a few places where you have over egged with commas and I don't think you need to do this - so often. DRAMA - Is there good use of action, enough tension/conflict?There are a few points where you could drop a word and still have the impact, or maybe nore impact. EMOTION - Are we swayed by the narrator and identify our emotions with the narrator? I was swayed, yes, I was wantng him to get on with it as they did not seem to have much time but I was unsure about the female as you didn't give much of a clue to her chasracter. STORYLINE/PLOT - Is it evident? Is there a beginning,middle,end? Interesting/ original? Ths felt more kne a 'middle, but as a short piece was ok. THEME - What's the underlying meaning of the story? Was it evident? Understandable? It semed to me that there had been a building attraction, maybe at school and this weas a rare opportunity to be alone and for a tentative moving forward of the mutual feelings. ENDING - Are loose ends tied up? Are you let down? Was it expected/original? For a short piece you kept me guessing adn wanting to know more. Does it work out, who else might become involved etc.There are a few points where you could drop a word and still have the impact, or maybe nore impact. ----------------------------------------------------------- I have changed here the points where I think it can flow better. --------------------------------------------------------------- The first time their hands touched both instinctively withdrew, mumbling awkward apologies, and avoiding eye contact. They were walking back to the car together, walking down the forest track. The sun was not shining, but the temperature was still reasonable. The bird song, the smell of the pinewood, and the absolute silence placed them alone in the world. No one else mattered just now; they had each other. The second time their hands touched, they looked at each other, astonished; but quickly - too quickly - fell back to talking about work, family, and friends. They had worked together for a year now, and this was their first time alone, walking back to the car so they could drive back to work for the afternoon. A school outing which they had been staffing, but from which they had to return, each for a different reason, gave them the opportunity to talk of other things with no one to overhear or to jump to conclusions. The third time their hands touched he held on to hers and pulled her to a stop. She was reluctant. She would be late for her meeting; he would be late for class. He refused to let her go. She relented just before he gave in to embarrassment. He had not misread her after all. They stopped, facing each other, him holding her hand in his, and neither said a word. They simply looked into each other's eyes and the world, the forest, the track and the trees and the bird-song all but disappeared. ---------------------------------------------------- This calls for another, concluding sentence to make it more satisfying to the reader. Hope this is ok review. spidey
| Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 2nd January 2006 | Sorry bout typos, I seem to have keyboard dislexia today. Ali | Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 25th February 2006 | | I don't get the point of this story. When I write, people always tell me that there are 2 questions to ask: "so what?" and "who cares?" so to you I say, so what? who cares? A guy and a girl meet in the same place three times - wow. So what? In a way, it's kinda following the "third time's the charm" thing. Anyway, who cares? What's the point? I think you should develop your characters more but the entire thing sort of lets me down. It feels like a ton of the storyline is missing. The story would be wonderful but just develop it more. | Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 | Just found this on that blue bar thing at the left of the main screen. Well worth a read. Don't agree at all with BD. It didn't work for him. So what? Who cares? I thought this was a well observed piece. Enjoyed it. Phil
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