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Great Writing - Home > Non-Fiction > Half My Life - part one
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Non-Fiction
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| Half My Life - part one | |
| By jean.day | ||||||||||||||
| 18 February 2007 | ||||||||||||||
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Probably the most significant man in my life before my husband came around. This is a three parter. I tried to do it with the page break system mentioned by Nascent, but all three sections came together in the one post, so must have done something wrong. So I will post it the rest over the next two days. "What a stupid thing to do. You're just asking to be hurt," said Joyce with a mixture of pity and exasperation. Joyce was my co-worker at the records office in Fargo Clinic, a good friend, and I valued her opinion. She was older than me, about 35 I guessed her to be, and I was 20. She knew a lot about life and love, having been married twice, but even so, I wasn't going to let her change my mind. "I don't care if it is stupid. I want to see him again. If he doesn't want to see me it doesn't really matter." I knew I sounded pathetic even to myself but I also felt compelled to carry on with my plans. The whole issue was over my going alone by the midnight train that night to Minneapolis to see Al. I'd told Joyce all about him. I met Al in mid March four years before at the regional Science Fair which was being held in our high school. Both Al and I had projects entered in it. His was on the Levicar- a sort of flying cakepan. Mine was on Cobalt - just pictures, samples and a written report. All the competitors had stalls set up in the cafeteria and on that Saturday we had to tend our projects and answer the questions of interested passers-by. It was fairly late in the afternoon when I happened to make my way to Al's project, but as soon as I saw him and heard him speak, I forgot all about science and just looked at him. He was about 5'11", well-built with dark wavy hair and brown shining eyes which danced with excitement. His voice was rich and deep and dramatic. He was magnetic and marvelous. He had huge hands with which he gestured all the time he was talking. It was as if he were always on stage - theatrical with his voice and body. He oozed self-confidence and pride. I was mesmerized and if I failed to learn anything about Levicars, I'm sure that was because my brain was supersaturated with Al the person. When he finished speaking to the little bunch of us standing around about his project, he turned to me and said, "How's your project going?" I was amazed. It turned out that not only had he noticed me but that he had listened to my talk. He then grinned and said, "You told us it was electrons but I think you must have meant neutrons." I'm sure I blushed, and then laughed. Science wasn't my forte. But our friendship started then. I was so flattered that such an Adonis should be interested in me. I was the exact opposite to him - plain, shy and lacking in self-confidence. I was wearing a gold and brown plaid dress that I had made, with a huge gold key-pin on the collar. I wore flat shoes because I was worried about being tall. I was also skinny with a small bust and hardly any hips. My hair was medium-length, brown, which curled reluctantly with a perm and the aid of rollers each night. My best feature was thought to be my eyes which are dark brown, but since I had to wear thick glasses, about all that showed above the frames were my very heavy and unruly eyebrows which my sister said looked like crewcuts. I had dimples in both cheeks and in my pointed chin. I never for a moment considered myself attractive and my lack of success in dating thus far seemed to confirm my opinion. After we became aware of each other, Al and I spent the rest of that day together. Everyone looked at me with new respect, I thought. When evening came, nobody was surprised to hear that Al's project had won first prize. I had managed to get an honourable mention. The winners were to come back to our school in April for the State Science Fair. Al made an arrangement to see me again at that time. In mid-April, the day for the State Fair finally came and I arrived at the school early, anxious not to miss a moment of my time with Al. He hadn't contacted me at all during the month, which disappointed me somewhat, but with living 50 miles away I decided that it wouldn't have been easy for him to do so. I'd forgotten to give him my phone number or address, after all. When he finally arrived at the front door of the school carrying his project, he sort of half-grinned at me. There was an older couple helping him which I assumed to be his parents. He continued into the hall without saying a word to me and I was immediately flattened. All my dreams all my hopes, and he couldn't even say "Hi." He set up his project and soon was going through the same process again of explaining it and showing how it worked for the many interested people who were attending the fair. I worked up my courage and went over to him. He seemed very natural and happy to see me again. It was as if the intervening month had disappeared. He was as friendly and attentive as he had been before and I glowed. It must have showed because one of my teachers, Sister Eileen, called me aside and said, "Stop making a fool of yourself. You're wearing your heart on your sleeve." I didn't care. Not a bit. It was just like the number one hit song at the time by Johnny Mathis, "Wonderful, Wonderful". We again spent the whole day together and when it came time for the banquet in the evening, I arranged to sit next to him. I had a new, very pretty dress for the banquet, Cobalt blue, appropriately enough, but Al said, "Why haven't you worn your checked dress with your beautiful key-pin?" I was a bit hurt at his criticism but at the same time pleased that he'd remembered what I'd worn the previous month. When the awards were announced, Al again was declared the winner. His prize was a trip to Indianapolis for the National Science Fair in early May. My science teacher Sister Maxamine, being the head of science in the host school would be going with him. "You'll send me a postcard, won't you?" I asked Al when the day was finally over. "One?" he said, excitedly, "I'll send you half a dozen." The rest of the month crawled by, and although I didn't hear from Al, I thought about him all the time. One of my friends said she'd seen him in town with another girl who he seemed very attached to, but I decided she must have been mistaken. If he'd been in town, he would have contacted me, I knew. Just before the day when they were to leave for the National Fair, I bought a good luck card, and had all of my friends who he'd previously met at the other science fairs to sign it, and gave it to Sister Max to give to Al. I received one postcard, and then another and another until I had my promised six. I was elated. I could hardly wait to talk to Sister Max when she returned to find out all about it and him. But before I had a chance to, she had told her morning chemistry class all the news and they were delighted to pass it on to me. "Your so-called boyfriend hasn't won but he had a good time. His steady girlfriend who is a Lutheran minister's daughter, was his major topic of conversation. He wrote to her each day and called her every night. What a joke on you," they said. I was hurt, but having such a poor opinion of myself to start with, I suppose I wasn't really surprised. He had just been friendly and kind to me. That was all. But before I got him out of my system, I decided to send him another card to thank him for the postcards. On the bottom I put, "Give my best wishes to your Lutheran minister's daughter girlfriend." I wanted him to know I knew all about him, and after I mailed it I felt a bit better. I didn't forget Al however, and after months of hearing nothing I'd given up any hope of his having remembered me. Then out of the blue, the next Christmas I had a card and letter from him. He was at a college in Iowa called Wartburg. I wrote back, immediately, but then nothing happened. The same thing happened the next Christmas and the one after. Twice he tried to call me, but each time I was out and he never followed it up. The next summer I went to answer the door one day, and there he was. Al was bigger, stronger, darker and more wonderful than I'd remembered him. “I wonder if I could borrow your library card," he said by way of explanation for being th "Of course," I said, and went to the library with him. Later he said, "I have tickets for a play tonight. Would you like to go with me?" “I'd love to,” I said, not adding my thoughts which were, “I'd go anywhere with you,” but I expect my look said it for me. I'11 pick you up about 7", he said and drove away. His blue and white Buick drove up about 15 to 7 and I was waiting. "I hope you don't mind if we give a friend lift to her job first,” he said. “That's fine,"I replied. Nothing was going to spoil my first date with the man I'd dreamed of so long. When I got to the car, a tall skinny rather plain blond girl started to move to the centre of the front seat, but then she said, "Oh, I suppose you had better sit there." She was wearing jeans and a sweat shirt- and her work for the summer was in an outdoor play which was put on each summer at a Fort Lincoln, (where General George Custer started his Last Stand) about 5 miles out of town. Al made the introductions and then he and Shyla, which was her name, started to talk about mutual friends and happenings in Hazen, their home town, and a boy named Chuck who turned out to be Shyla's boyfriend. They chatted easily and happily almost as if I wasn't there between them. When we arrived, Shyla jumped out and said, “Nice to meet you Jean. Thanks for the lift Al. See you later." Al turned back towards Bismarck. We were both silent for awhile. Then it. suddenly occurred to me who Shyla was. "She's your Lutheran minister's daughter isn't she?” “Yes, how did you know? Oh yes, you've met her before, haven't you. You asked me to greet her for you when you sent me that card." "No, I didn't know her before - only of her." "We had something pretty special going for awhile," Al mused. "Yes, but now she's going with Chuck instead of you." He grimaced. "We broke up at Christmas. They both go to North Dakota University. Romances from a long distance are hard to carry on." We approached the auditorium where the play we were going to see was soon to begin. It was a local church effort and rather amateurishly done. After Al made some rather loud and rude remarks we decided to leave about a quarter of the way through. We drove to the local drive-in for cokes. We gradually relaxed, getting to know each other again. We talked of school (he was majoring in drama and I was doing Food and Nutrition at North Dakota State University) of life, of friends. When it got to be 10 o'clock, he took me home as he had arranged to pick Shyla up at Chuck's house at that time to drive her home. I was more than a little disappointed when he didn't try to kiss me and no future dates were mentioned. But the middle of the following week I had a note from him asking me out the next Saturday and from then on we went out at least once each week for the rest of the summer. Sometimes we-went to movies or out bowling,but mostly we just went for walks and did what we felt like doing on the spur of the moment. For instance we drove by the Jewish temple one day and I said, "I wonder what that is like inside.” So Al said, "Let's go and see." It was locked but with a good pull on the door it opened. We wandered around inside looking at all the little hats and the sacred books. It was rather disappointing really and I felt nervous that someone might come in and find us there. We relocked the door as we left, and we hadn't done any damage, but I felt guilty anyway. But because I'd done it with Al, it took on a thrill that my life had hitherto lacked. We went out to the Catholic priory one day to see Sister Maxamine, the chemistry teacher who had accompanied Al to Indianapolis. Another day we met Sister Eileen, the teacher who had told me what a fool I was making of myself. I was so proud to show off that he was my boyfriend now. I wanted to whole world to know what an attractive man I was dating. My parents didn't really approve of Al and he was very ill at ease in their presence. Mom was sure he would hurt me. But I was so in love that perhaps I was oblivious to all the signs that others could see. His parents didn't want him to date Catholics so Al kept it from them that he was seeing me. One evening when he came down to see me he decided it would be a great shame for me to have to end the date early because of my work. I was working as a nurses’ aide in the materinity ward at the local hospital and at that time was on night duty, going to work at 11:45. So he told me to call in sick. I had never lied about that sort of thing before, but because Al asked me to do it, I did it. I made sure he kept me out really late on that date to make it worth the lie and the guilt that I felt as a result. I was very inexperienced in my dealings with men. I had had a few dates but never more than two with anyone person. I had never been in a situation before where sex was a worry or a problem. I remembered that our priest at school had told us that kisses were like popcorn. The more you had the more you wanted and we were told that five kisses was just about the right amount. I actually kept count when I went out on dates, and that may be why I didn't get asked out again by most boys. Sex in this summer romance was fairly lacking too, but I didn't really realize it at the time. Al would kiss me a few times at the end of each date, but I doubt if it ever exceeded the five kiss limit and I never got seriously aroused (and I presume he never did either, but at the time I wasn’t all that sure what the signs were). I never felt that anything was missing because I had nothing to compare it with. I was a staunch Catholic in those days and Al was from a Lutheran family with fairly firm ideas but he told me he was really an agnostic. I was worried by that and we spent quite a lot of time with me trying to convince him of the existence of God and the importance of religion. We argued about the differences in our religions - most of all the business of contraception. He felt that the Catholic church's attitude was wrong and unreasonable (a view I agreed with once I was involved in a serious relationship). On the business of not eating meat on Friday which was still a church law in those days, he was very scathing. One Friday evening we went out for a pizza and I unthinkingly agreed to have salami. I didn't remember it was Friday until later, but Al did, and he had great fun in telling me the great sin I'd committed. It was a sparkling, glorious summer and I'd never been so happy before in my life. But before long it was over and we both had to go back to our respective colleges. He had a few days more vacation than I did and he stopped en route back to Iowa at my college town for our last date of the summer. We were sad and nostalgic that night. We went out for a meal, danced, walked the streets. When it was time for him to take me home our parting kisses seemed more intense than ever before. I suddenly knew I loved him and wanted to be with him always. If he had suggested eloping, I think I would have agreed, religion and parents notwithstanding. We had previously decided that we wouldn't write to each other regularly when we went back to college, that we should just let the relationship end at the end of the summer but now I was no longer willing to do that. "I love you," I said, for the first time out loud. There was silence for a long time before Al told me he loved me too. I gave him my golden key-pin and told him that it was the key to my heart which he said he'd treasure always. (Sick-making, isn't it?) He stayed the night in a hotel and I stayed at the house of my sorority sister-mother, Karen. About 4 a.m. I called him at his hotel and asked him to come and pick me up for breakfast before he left on the rest of his journey. We decided we would write to each other after all, and had a sad parting. A week went by and I had no letter from him. I was very disappointed and then thought I'd write to him anyway. But before my letter had a chance to reach him, I received one from him. We had both been waiting for the other to write first. I wrote every week, long mushy letters full of how much I missed him. His letters were cooler, full of his activities and life at college. Soon I was writing two to every one of his, and his became shorter. Then came the mid-October day when I got a note with just two lines on it. "I'm sorry, but I think you are too serious. Can't we just be friends?" I didn't want to be just friends. I was hurt and angry. I cried about it and prayed about it. I blamed him for my failing my chemistry exam. I wrote back a nasty letter followed by an apologetic pleading one. But I heard nothing. Two weeks later as I was just about to go to my 10 o'clock class my buzzer rang, indicating that I had a visitor. I went into the lobby of the dorm and there stood Al. He looked as wonderful and handsome as ever, and I knew I loved him as much as I had before. I agreed to skip my classes for the day to be with him, something I'd never done before. He'd driven all through the night from Iowa to come to see me. He was so tired and I just wanted to comfort him and tell him how much I cared. "I'm so sorry I hurt you" he said. "I wanted to come to talk to you in person and in fact I started driving here one day, but then went back." "Why did you come now?” I asked. I wanted to hear him say he couldn't stand life without me. "I've got to go into the for a hernia operation. I've known a long time that I had to have it done," he said, "but they decided it couldn’t wait any longer. I’m going into the hospital in Bismarck on Monday .” I didn't know what a hernia was. I imagined it to be some sort of growth, like a mole or lump somewhere. "In Africa they worship people with hernias,” I said, quoting some piece of partial information I'd picked up from some magazine I'd read. Al looked very embarrassed and didn't say anything more about his medical condition. We drove into the country and parked the car on a side road. He took me in his arms and kissed me with an urgency and thoroughness he had never used before. I realized that this was a new dimension in romance, and it scared me. Some farmers were driving their tractors in the nearby fields and they obviously thought we were having a good time and honked their horns and waved. Then Al said, "Will you come to a hotel with me, right now?” To be continued.
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