A group of 5  boys are clustered round a  an elderly Imam
 
IMAM -  Well we have nearly come to the end of the course and  I have good news for you sons of syphilitic sand lizards. You have all passed the written. (looks around) Ah, Saddique, your course work let you down, but not enough to fail.
 
SADDIQUE - The imam is most gracious and kind.
 
IMAM – Well the thinking was, you’ll soon be pureed over the west bank so what the hell, but we might have to dock you a virgin, though.
 
SADDIQUE - I shall bear that bravely, but I do still get the other 71, right? I mean that is what we were promised.
                      (fearful murmurs from the other 4 lads)

IMAM -Yes, yes of course. It is written, suicide killing rates the standard 72 virgins as agreed.

SALIM -  72… dark eyed virgins.

IMAM -  Yes, of course …dark eyed virgins, as stated. But you also want to strike at the black heart of western decadence, remember, my warriors?

SALIM – 72 Dark eyed virgins…….in the garden of paradise, you said.

IMAM – Yes, yes in the gardens of paradise, naturally… but the main point is destroying the infidel. Making the them quake in fear. Is that not so?

SADDIQUE – Where do we take  them if it's raining?

 IMAM – Raining.  What do you mean? You diseased rat’s sphincter.

SALIM – No, it’s a fair point. It’s a  garden, right? Where do we take the virgins if it’s raining, unless there is a greenhouse in the garden?

TALAL – It would need to be a big one. I mean there’s five of us so that’s over 300 virgins in the greenhouse.

           (there is a hushed silence as the five lads contemplate this mental image)

IMAM – Hey, hey wake up! can I have your complete attention? There will be no greenhouses and no rain. It doesn’t rain in paradise, all right, that’s official

 SADDIQUE – Actually I quite liked the idea of a greenhouse full of virgins.
 
 SALIM – Yeah, you would. You only got 71, now. Just don’t try pinching any of mine in there, OK.
                    
IMAM – (checks his folder)  Stop this nonsense. For in Paradise, it is written, there will be no rain ……and especially no greenhouses, OK?
 
TALAL – I think Allah’s missed a trick there, they can set a garden off so well. 
 
IMAM – Listen, you pile of camel droppings, there is only the practical left to do, pretty straight-forward. But I’ll go over it one more time…… You take it in turns to run out into the street , pull on the string and shout “Bang”. I’ll be there to check your technique, and I don’t want another debacle like last time, with Yusuf, remember?..
 
SADDIQUE – Yes Imam.
 
IMAM – Well??
 
SADDIQUE – He pulled the wrong string and his keks fell down.
 
IMAM – Yes, which meant we had to stone him to death for immorality and you all know what that meant -
 
All five — No virgins.
 
TALAL – But what happened to his 72 virgins then?
 
IMAM – Well there’s nothing in writing on that but they probably just go back into the pool.
 
 SALIM – Wow, I didn’t know there was a pool, that’s better than a garden.
 
TALAL – Yeah I think I prefer a pool as well.
 
IMAM – You festering sore on the arse of a camel, it’s not that sort of pool! And before you ask there are no pools in paradise either.
        
        [he closes his folder and stands]
 
IMAM – Right, you unworthy specimens, off you go. And remember, tug and “bang”, got it?
       [he looks up]
 Not you Salim, I need to talk to you.
       [he pulls Salim over to a seat]
 
SALIM – What does the illustrious Imam want with me?
 
IMAM – According to my records this is your second mission.
 
SALIM - Oh yes, Imam, I am humbled.
 
IMAM - Your second “suicide bombing” mission, dung heap.
 
SALIM - Indeed it is, effendi.
 
IMAM - I don’t think you quite understand the concept, here, there’s a certain expectation implicit in the title. The bombing bit you don’t have a problem with, it’s the suicide bit where you fall down, or more prosaically don’t fall down.
 
SALIM - It must be the will of Allah, blessings upon him. He is generous.
 
IMAM - Allah is indeed generous, blessings upon him.
 
SALIM – And loving.
 
IMAM – Of course. Blessings upon him.
 
SALIM –  And compassionate.
 
IMAM – Hhmmmmm, Yes, and your point is?
 
SALIM – It must have been the will of Allah…he is merciful.
 
IMAM – So it was that was it, and not... (consults folder) just down to you whipping the bomb off, lobbing it on the bus and legging it?
 
SALIM – I thought there was room for some innovation in the method. It must have been divine inspiration. It came to me in a flash.
 
IMAM – Really, well it was the only flash as the bomb didn’t go off. But not to worry that is what work experience is all about. So I want you to put this on, and be careful, it is a live bomb. Let’s see where you went wrong.
     [Salim struggles into the heavy jacket,  trying to do it up]
 
 IMAM – Right, you retarded sand lizard, it’s tug and bang…..no, no, not now!!!
            [blinding flash as Salim pulls the wrong string]
 
IMAM – Oh bugger!
 
          [In the gardens of Paradise]
 
MOHAMMED – Bad news I’m afraid. I have to return 72 virgins, botched job.
 
ALLAH – Right, this keeps happening now. It’s causing a backlog.
 
MOHAMMED – I’m not sure this virgin offer was such a good idea.
 
ALLAH – Probably not but, Ah well, lardy-da as they say.
 
MOHAMMED – I’m sorry what did you say?
 
ALLAH – Just “lardy-da”. It’s what Diane Keaton says in Manhattan.
 
MOHAMMED – Isn't  that the  despicable western zionist film maker Woody Allen -
 
ALLAH – That's it, really funny. “Ah well, lardy-da”, cracks me up every time. Right, tell you what, the pool's empty, they can have a swim while they wait. And you better get the rest into the greenhouse – it looks like rain.