The other day I ventured into a shop in town called 99p-world ‘Yes - everything is 99p!’ proclaimed the strapline, just in case you hadn’t quite grasped the concept from the name alone. It seemed the ideal place to buy some cheap pictures frames and I'm not proud so I went in.
Maybe I’d caught it on a bad day but it appeared that every council estate, every pub on every council estate, every parole office, every dole office, every betting shop, every care-in-the-community-chuck-em-in-there-cos-nobody-else-wants-the-poor-buggers-home in the city had emptied its contents into that shop. Everywhere I looked, in every aisle, behind every display were sickly, pimply, feckless, slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging, misshapen, dull-eyed, furrow-browed, gurgling, gurning and very possibly inbred examples of humanity. I felt like I'd died and gone to Rotherham. And why were so many of them so incredibly, astoundingly, eye-wateringly – and there’s no polite way of putting this – SMELLY. Why? The soap’s only 99p!
Skirting quickly around a couple of unsupervised snotty-nosed urchins, I squeezed through a bovine family of identically football-shirted fatties, avoided the mad ranting man who was cursing the shower gel and headed for the picture frames.
Here, a teenage Chavette, hair scraped up severely into the inevitable ponytail on top of her head, was trying to beat her crotchety infant to sleep in its pram "I've told you - effing shut up and go to sleep!" - was her sweet lullaby to the child as she slapped its legs. Nearby a bunch of feral, empty-eyed, sallow-faced youths lurked, intent on furtively pocketing even these virtually worthless products. I quickly chose some frames and patiently joined the checkout queue.
But the excitement wasn’t over yet because in front of me a skanky tattooed couple were having a full effing volume effing blinding row and airing their extensive dirty washing in public. I didn’t catch all the details but apparently the tattooed lady before me was a slag. The lady herself maintained that the tattooed gentleman who had made this wicked allegation should shut his face because he was a total c**t and should just Eff Off back to that effing little slut Stacey he’s been shagging. I raised my eyebrows at him in sympathy – yeah it’s the age old question mate – stick with the slag or go with the slut. Actually, that didn’t happen, I was too busy studying my shoes. Behind me, apparently unconcerned by all this commotion, unconcerned by anything at all except where his next bottle of Thunderbird was coming from, stood a guy who smelt like a neglected urinal and had little notion of the concept of ‘personal space’. So here I stood politely waiting with my little economy picture frames.
Then finally, I paid my £2.97 and was free. Free to breathe again, free to look people in the eye, free not to feel like a big girl’s blouse for changing my clothes on a regular basis. Now I’m safely back in the world of the washed and the upright where tattoos and logo strewn designer sports gear are comparatively rare and I’m not afraid to catch a glimpse of people’s teeth.
There I've said it. Call me Mr Snobby Opinionated old Precious Pants Who Thinks He’s Better Than Everyone Else Or Something but I had to get that out of my system. I’m sure I’ll laugh about it one day.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | Well I'm laughing about it now but then I wasn't in the shop. We're dead posh here in Nottingham we have a two pound shop and consequently a better class of customer as you'd expect for the extra pound and a penny, some of them even pay for the goods.
It is sometimes necessary to get these things off your chest and to do it with a bit of bilious humour is even better
Very Funny
J |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | Gosh, I hope I wasn't one of those people. I go to those shops all the time, chiefly for things like leaf mold, bonemeal and bulbs. But I bathe every day and I lift my shoulders a little so my knuckles don't drag too much.
This had me laughing too. I'm not a snob either (not that I have any reason to be); my mother always said that manners cost nothing and although the people in one-pound shops tend to be poor, they have no monopoly on bad manners or poor hygiene.
Loved your use of 'gurning' -- I'll watch that from now on in case you happened to be in the one-pound shop I particularly frequent . . . |
Written by jfofnian (18 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | I think "Mr Snobby Opinionated old Precious Pants Who Thinks He’s Better Than Everyone Else Or Something" is a little unwieldy as a nickname.
I guess I would argue that this is more of a rant or piece of stand-up comedy than an actual short story. I think, for it to succeed as a story, it needs something to actually /happen/. I was hoping for an ironic twist at the end where it turns out the writer is just as chavvy as everyone else, only in denial. (This would also serve to reach beyond the obvious stereotypes and present chavs as occasionally articulate!) Chav-bashing is always funny but all the cliches are well-known already and there's nothing particularly different or ingenious about your stereotypes.
Having said that, taking the piece at face-value, it is very funny and well-observed. And I understand completely your need to get it off your chest! |
Written by Sir_Nigel (37 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | You’re right - this isn’t a short story. You could call it a rant or a bit of social observation or What I Did on My Lunchbreak. But as there’s no category for such things on this website, this is where I stuck it.
Yes it’s a great shame all these people were such stereotypes but until the underclasses start to change their ways (and their clothes) we’re pretty much stuck with them. This is how it happened. I came out with three picture frames and sadly they were all out of ironic twists.
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Written by dirtyhalo (1 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | loved this! were you in Glasgow by any chance?????
sorry to all Glaswegians out there, was only kidding.
this is so right, it must roll over to all pound shops in the UK.  |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | Rant/story/whatever - very funny. I'm no snob either, and I occasionally shop in Poundland (for photo frames spookily) but I can see exactly where you're coming from.
Some cracking lines:
I thought I died and gone to Rotherham
Stay with the slut or go with the slag
...many more besides...
Thanks for the read.
Phil. | Enjoyed this a lot
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | We definitely need a category for these types of pieces. It's no short story, but it's still an excellent read. I was even laughing out loud at one point, my roommates probably think I'm nuts, thanks for that...
BTW, these stereotypes are certainly not without truth, nor boundaries. I've often had similar thoughts in American dollar stores.
~Claire |
Written by AtticMan ( comments posted) 19th February 2007 | Round my way you don't need to go to the pound shop for this, unfortunately.
Loved your description of the tattooed couple. I laughed all the way through and didn't mind that it wasn't really a short story. Could this be one for the non-fiction page, perhaps? |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | Not a lot to add...liked this. All the bloody picture frames I've bought from the pound shop have broken. Mind you, that might say more about me than the frames...Reckon I'd have put this in non-fic but it was an entertaining read anyway so bugger it!
Elli | I'm there with you
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 24th February 2007 | Your observations and opinions are shared by many, I can assure you. It is a funny (humorous and irony) story that speaks loudly to the common "good person".
I've been a real jerk in my life; I've done things I shouldn't have, said nasty things to good people, treated some like crap without cause, but even when I was a jerk I was washed and groomed.
I've grown up since then, and I guess gotten old too because I look at the kids now, with studs in their eyelids, tattoos on their lips, and chains hanging from some appendage under their holy, smelly Iron Maiden Tshirt -- I usually can not bring myself to pay them for the burger and fries, I just walk away in total disbelief.
I love this message, I'm there with you
BW | Hilarious
Written by Leigh (226 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | Your observations would ring true to readers anywhere in the country.
I like your point about customers smelling despite the soap being only 99p! |
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 26th April 2007 | Ha ha ha! I read this on your blog and then didn't know where to comment so I thought I'd come back here.
I love our 99p shop but I can also relate to nearly everything here. Have you ever been asked by one member of a publicly-rowing couple to give your opinion? Talk about a rock and a hard place...
Very funny. |
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