I've been messing with this one for ages, and I'm tired of it. I keep taking out bits and then putting them back; now I just want to finish it.
Go on -- let her rip.
You know, she says
(all quick broad smile and
phony wink)
I’m fine, just fine –
Never been better here
And how are you?
Her nervous fingers
all the while
find room to play:
a button here,
a strand of hair –
but eyes dart here and there
as you make your reply.
She’s off again:
Yeah, things are good with me;
They’re really looking up, you bet
(Her fingernails are bitten
to the quick)
Behind that brittle smile
her hopes have died,
but pride’s alive and well;
antennae sharp as files
I’m fine, she says, just fine –
(Your cue to smile and nod
and say -you sure look great-
And then be on your way)
|
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Kinda get it Mary, insincerity like "phone you!" when you have no intention. Thats what I took out of it. Or maybe theres more code that only girls get.
Its OK, but doesn't affect me much.
Oli  |
Condensed
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
I can see the scene fairly well as far as two people trying to be non-chalante toward each other. It seems a bit too condensed though.
I think good writing, whether poetry, verse or prose, always has some type of movement. Either a time line, or something physical that can be either figurative or literal.
Perhaps if you stepped into the scene a little bit first; have one person exiting a coffee shop or a book store, the other waiting for a cab or getting out of a friends car.
This would help the reader "see" more of these people's lives happening -- which is the same as our lives. A sense of movement.
right now it is kind of flat, it doesn't rise or sink, just pretty flat scenery.
BTW: I appreciate and look forward to your comments on my writing. Thanks
BW |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Not sure what to make of this one, mainlty because I'm not sure of context. You'll probably laugh when I commit to this one, but commit I will. Here goes.
It reads to me like you're visiting someone in a home of some sort. At foirst I though 'old folks' but thought perhaps some kind of institution, maybe psychiatric. How many marks out of ten do I get for being wide of the mark?
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Sorry to have made this so cryptic. Years ago, I ran into a friend who I knew was going through a lot of problems. I didn't want her to know that I knew (though she must have realized I did), so I just asked her how she was. She told me she was fine and yet she looked awful; I started to leave and she kept telling me how she was doing very well -- even with her bitten fingernails and various tics. And somehow this scene stayed with me.
Thanks to you, though, I have some ideas about how to improve it now. I'll come back to it in a few months' time and look at it again. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Just to put a spanner in the works - I knew exactly what you were getting at, empathised with this piece and thought it good. Perhaps it's a female thing....Done that on more than a few occasions myself particularly with people you haven't seen for ages who were having lots of problems last time you met but you don;t want to be the one to bring it up in casual conversation.
Elli |
I'm with Elli
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Maybe it's my female Tiresias side -- but I got it completely and from the beginning .
Another one close to People of their time which btw i still think is marvellous
Detail to come elsewhere
patterjack |
HI Mary
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
I read this, and then I read the reviews, and wished I had commented first. Now I can see other people's points of view and it sort of makes me question mine.
What came across to me was a very uncomfortable situation where two people were sort of trying to communicate and at the same time trying to get away from each other as quickly as possible. I must admit that I am the sort of person who hates anyone trying to get me to tell them what's on my mind - but being too polite to tell them to mind their own business (even if I know they are meaning to be kind to me) I just get away from them giving away as little as possible. |
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| Indeed some context seems to be missing. The clumsiness of the conversation comes accross clearly, but the 'why' leaves me a little puzzled. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
It is funny that this seems to be a little more accessible to women than men -- maybe that is just coincidence?
Whatever the case, thank you everyone, for your comments. This has gotten far more attention than it is worth already, so I will let it 'mature' and then come back to it and see how I feel about it. I myself understand it, of course. But then I'm its mother. |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
"It is funny that this seems to be a little more accessible to women than men -- maybe that is just coincidence?"
Women & Brian! Perhaps we should redub him:
Patterjaqueline?
Oli  |
a l
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Now Oli, in saying that it was perhaps a little more accessible to women than men, I was using two qualifiers: 'perhaps' and 'a little more.' Did I need to throw in yet another to make it 100% unambiguous? If I'd said, 'Well the women all get this, but none of the men do,' that would be a different matter.
Anyway, Patterjack is so obviously a man that why bother to single him out as such? |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| That 'a l' in the subject line, by the way, is courtesy of my cat. Her first ever literary effort. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I really did put a spanner in the works didn't I?
I'm so proud.
E
ps. Your cat clearly has a future in creative writing - possibly on the poetry forum - you may have competition |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
This is one of those situations where a perfectly humdrum piece of writing suddenly generates a lot of interest and many undeserved hits. But what the hell.
As for the cat -- I blush to admit it, Elli, but I think you are right! I keep looking at those two letters: a l -- and there is such a stark beauty in them. Note the space in between, the fact that she didn't capitalize. I'm quite proud; she's sat and watched me for ages and all the while I just thought she was interested in my egg salad sandwich. |
Yes, women understand this well
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| Usually someone says: "How are you?" - and if you start to tell them the truth, they are always in too much of a hurry to listen, so we women have discovered that it is better to say "Fine, thank you", smile sweetly and take our problems home. It would be interesting to list in a poem the various ways there are of brushing people off quickly, starting with: "I must go" "I can't stop now, but - - " etc. Some of them don't notice the worried look, or the bitten fingernails. I don't like to criticise, but I think that you could do much better with this poem Witzl. I think it would be easier to read with the inverted commas etc in. But you had a good idea for a poem. |
Very observant.
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| I think that you have analysed this person very well and it is a very good, very tight poem. Kathy |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
| Everyone's been very eloquent in their comments so its a lot to live up to! I thought it was brilliant the way that you have brought attention to the behaviour that we all have when we try not to show what we have noticed about people when they are vulnerable. Well done. Kathy |
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