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By Joshua_L
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19 February 2007 |
Hiya! This poem is about sounds that don't really work unless you have super ears.  ENJOY!
Shh!
It was so quiet
That I could hear
Leaves nestling on the ground.
It was so calm
That I could hear
Worms wriggling underground.
It was so peaceful
That I could hear
The flowers blooming.
It was so silent
That I could hear
The grass growing.
It was so hushed
That I could hear
Blood rushing through my blood.
It was so gentle
That I could hear
A scurrying across the lanes.
It was so noiseless
That I could hear
My brain thinking for me.
It was so soundless
That I could hear
A hamster smiling in glee.
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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the set out
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | is printed in an emphatically noisy way
shhhh !
patterjack |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | Your profile says you're ten. Excellent effort Joshua. Ten or not, you will get positive and negative criticism. You'll learn most and improve most because of the negative. Small but good point. For a quiet poem it has a very noisy font.
I wish some of the adults who post here had half your talent. Very well done. Not perfect, but a great first post.
Phil. | reminds me
Written by fellpony (1656 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | of a poem my son wrote when he was ten, about being deaf. His main point was that he wouldn't have to tell Grandad to stop snoring!
I enjoyed your poem, though I didn't like the loud font, or the SHHHH at the end. I thought you should have stopped when you got to the last two stanzas (you might call them verses, but the proper word is stanzas) - and then I'd have put the hamster first and the brain last.
It's a pretty good start and better than the poems lots of adults have written, even on this site. Keep writing; you'll get even better with practice.
| ps
Written by fellpony (1656 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | | in the fifth stanza, last word of line 3, did you mean to type "veins" not "blood", to rhyme with "lanes"? | Great imagery
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 19th February 2007 | I loved the clever choice of images that you used in your poem, to hear the flowers blooming must be a very peaceful sound!
| Lovely
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 20th February 2007 | | A real welcome to Great Writing Josh. I did enjoy your poem and am so very pleased to see a child of your age writing on this website. Your images were wonderful, and I have found, from my experience with children, they have wonderful imaginationd, and see and hear things that we adults have ceased to see or hear any more. See my poem "Through the Eyes of a Child". I think it may be because the mind of a child, especially very young, is not so cluttered with other things of life - especially not yet "relationships" - but I may be wrong, as I am sure I am. Well done and please continue writing, but get your presentation sorted out by using "notepad" first of all before posting. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th February 2007 | Joshua, I am in awe of both your talent and your bravery. I had my first poem published when I was nine in a children's magazine called 'Wee Wisdom.' It was about a ballerina doll, and it haunts me to this day.
Everyone is right when they say that this is a good first post. They are also right about the font, but it certainly is easy on the eyes. |
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