another stab in the dark really...
"perfect ignorance" (which I took from the last stanza) seems a little awkward. I was going to use "blissful ignorance" in its place but thought it a wee bit cliched. What do you think? Or do you have any other suggestions?
Cheers, E
Sticky situations with a lollipop are his only troubles,
forgotten soon
as a flock of pigeons catch a wide and wondering eye.
A burst of rosy laughter,
and he greets and welcomes these winged rodents
into his adventure
with a run and a jump and a “raarrrr!"
They respond with a brief flapping frenzy,
then hop and soar,
move a few feet along the cold paving,
bored and uncaring.
But to him this is magical
and he sees neither dirt ridden wings
nor scavenging beaks
jabbing selfishly,
at a mouldy sandwich,
simply his new feathery friends sharing a meal.
Then they fly away,
and his eyes dim.
But with a smile from his mother and an outstretched hand
he sniffs and forgets,
grabbing on to her affection
and bobs along once more
with perfect ignorance and his lollipop.
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Written by vdubber (5 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I don't have enough knowledge of poetry to comment on the structure etc, but I enjoyed this poem, especially liked the line 'A burst of rosy laughter'. My son is 2 yrs old, and for me this poem catches that essence of toddlerdom excellently.
Matt |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I read this last night and didn't comment as I got little from it and thought I'd try again this morning. Seen through different eyes now.
It's a pretty good snap shot of a few moments for this child and how attention can be grabbed and then refocused pretty quickly.
What didn't work so well for me was the apparent subtext - perhaps I'm imagining this. 'Winged rodents, dirt ridden wings, jabbing selfishly:' all paint a very negative picture of pigeons. You're probably quite right, but for me it takes some of the joy of the child away from the poem.
Liked.
Phil. |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Is it cliched? I've never read a poem about it before. Funny how pigeons always seem to have the same effect on toddlers  |
Written by JourneyAtNight (301 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Thanks for the feedback everyone.
Matt - 'toddlerdom' is such a wonderful phase I think - they're so full of life and always discovering new things. My little nephew always puts a smile on my face when he squeals with laughter at the most ordinary things. Cheers!
Phil - Yes, you're probably right about the negative images. But my aim was to show the negative image that grown-ups (or most of them) have of pigeons in comparison to the childs simple and uncomplicated view. I'll work on it some more and try to tone it down a little though.
Fledermaus(or Batty) - It was mainly that phrase that I thought a little cliched. I'm going muck about with it a little though, fix some parts.
My reaction to pigeons is completely different to that of a toddler - I always try to avoid them. I actually duck when they fly above me!
E |
Perfect Ignorance
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| I can't comment on the structure of your poem because I have never learnt to write poetry in this way. I didn't like the variation in the length of lines and lack of rhythm - but that is just me I guess. I certainly go along with you about children discovering the world that we share with nature - but the world of nature is not ugly. Pigeons are beautiful. Look at the beautiful colours of their wings when the sun shines on them. Children take a long time examining the world of nature, so new and beautiful to them. See my poem "Through the Eyes of a Child" - you'll see that I agree. |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
It never occurred the bits about pigeons were an adult POV. That explains it, though I'm still not sure of it.
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Couple of nit-picks -
I reckon 'soon forgotten' would be better than 'forgotten soon'
rosy laughter - do you need 'rosy'? really made me cringe (thought that might well just be me lol)
not sure that you couldn't get get away with dropping 'into his adventure' as well
likewise 'move' is redundant and personally I' drop 'uncaring' and 'But' and the 'then' (before 'they fly away') and the next 'but with' (I really am nitpicking but if you chop out all the unnecessary little words it can make it alot less lumpy for a minimal amount of effort )
Last line, 'all perfect ignorance and sticky lollipop' or something similar would link you back nicely to the beginning.
Loved 'winged rodents' and thought last four lines of the first stanza very good. In fact I thought this a potentially very good piece with a bit of tidying up. Sorry for all the guff above - feel free to ignore it all!
Cheers,
Elli |
Thanks all
Written by JourneyAtNight (301 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Josie - I agree, pigeons can be nice to watch sometimes, they can be really amusing, but where I live, there are too many! And this wasn't my own direct point of view. As I mentioned, I was trying to give an example of how uncomplicated a child's view can be compared to an adults. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone, but it was just an experiment! Thanks for the feedback, it's always appreciated
Elli - The guff is great, just what I need. I have a habit of not knowing when to stop, and when it comes to unecessary wording and presentation etc...well, you can see for yourself. 
Cheers.
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