I wrote this in preparation for the official opening of a beautiful dry stone wall that was built by volunteers of a local environment group to which I belong. It is built on a hill that overlooks the city of Gloucester and far across to the other side of the valley beyond. It was built with great love and enthusiasm mainly by retired people who's energy far outstripped my own... I wanted to show appreciation and to let others know the depth of committment shown by the people who built the wall.
It is not 'Great' this wall
And holds not cousin China's mighty thrall.
Nor in its place, or history can it list
Where Pyramus fair Thisby almost kissed.
It does not swell the eye, or fill the heart
And may not be construed as work of art.
Nor in our estimation can it prize
Hadrian's construct as its match in size.
But look within its stones, amongst each block
Wherein the moss and lichen interlock
With strands of feeling from whose hands have fought
To tame these rocks, with work and sweat and thought.
See there, an angry cut and here a sigh,
Where they whose hands created it did cry.
And here, between these crevasses we see
A smile, a cut of stone, wrought happily.
Each piece of limestone puzzle is imbued
with souls of local men and women true.
Each builder's name is writ in words of stone
And read by nature's knowing eyes, alone.
For us, they left their heritage sublime,
Whose structure will outlast us all in time.
So, gentle walker, pass and have a mind
To leave this place and wall, just as you find.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 19th February 2007 |
Hi there I see you have posted already well done.
There was a lot to like here. I feel safe with these sort of poems, sound structure and regular rhyming. And I'm sure it fitted the brief well. I've actually done a bit of dry stone walling myself and know how skillful it is [and tiring] and I might take issue with
"It does not swell the eye, or fill the heart" The good ones do that for me
A few of the rhymes were a bit forced but the bit I really didn't like was the end where it sounded like a council sign you'd find by any monument. Shout it's beauty, sing it's praises but leave stuff like that to park keepers
Just my reaction
J |
Autor's response
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| Thanks for your comments. I agree that the structure is rather clumpy, I suppose that I saw the wall as craggy and I didn't want to come over all lyrical, just to keep it simple and a little rough! (Or is that an excuse...) The poem is 'functional', written for a particaular brief and the end was constructed that way as it may be read out at the site or even put up there for walkers to see and is a gentle 'warning' to respect the work done by the people that I tried to personalise in the poem. I'm really grateful that my first review wasn't rude! Its my first attemp so I know that I have miles to go! |
Lovely
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| I wonder if this hill is called "Birdlip"? I used to travel between Swindon and Hereford often when my mother was alive, and we stopped off at Birdlip always to admire the view. There was no wall, and our Jack Russell enjoyed chasing his ball down that hill. He always returned with it, puffing and panting - but he never died of a heart attack! ha ha. I just love the way you have written this, Kathy, and I find it so wonderful that you can say so much about something which, to many, is mundane. I live in Yorkshire now and look at the dry stone walls we have here. They are not thrown together without care. There are evening classes you can attend to learn how to make them correctly. Very good. |
grateful thanks!!
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| I'm delighted to find another enthusiast about stone walls!! I was so taken with the sheer drive of those who built it that I think I may join them in finishing it off this summer. I think that there is something wonderfully altruistic about taking such care to create something annonymously which will be there for centuries to come. How many of us have seen some of these creations and wondered about the people who spent such a lot of energy building them? The wall in question is at a place called Cud Hill, which is a piece of common land joinly in the ownership of the villages of Painswick, Upton St. Leonards and something called the Blo Trust - privately owned. Thank-you Josie, |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Lots to like in this, particularly your fondness for the area and its people - which shines through. One or two of the rhymes were a little forced and had clearly effected word order. Like BBS, I wasn't too fond of the ending - but as you say - written to a brief.
Phil. |
The Wall ( A Stone Waller's Prayer)
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Well done Kathy. I like the style of this poem. I too live in drystone wall country, Swaledale, where runs the wild river.
Your enthusiasm comes across very well and I look forward to reading many more of your poems with a rural flavour to them.
Thank you - Cliff |
Thanks Phil and Cliff
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I am grateful to you for your comments Phil. I agree that word order was affected by choice of rhyme... I probably needed to give it more time to sink in, only gave it a couple of days! I just hope to improve upon that and yes, the ending was in a way manufactured, you can't get away with anything can you!
Cliff, I know that you are a fellow lover of the countryside and its beauty. As I get older and understand myself more, I realise that you really can't take ambition, pride or belongings with you, all there is, is to be appreciative of life and everything in it... it is truly an amazing achievement, who or whatever designed it isn't it? I wish we could all have more time to appreciate it all! Regards, Kathy |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Nice poem Kathy. Good subject matter and not a little skill in the construction, rhyme and metre.
A few comments - even I, as a bit of a traditionalist, found the style a little archaic.
There were a few compromises IMHO in order to keep to the iambic pentameter
"Where they whose hands created it did cry" seems a little clumsy to me.
Very nice overall though. Better than the average bear booboo!
Oli  |
Fair Comment
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| Thanks for your crit and good comments. I am tempted to agree about the archaic style but at the same time feel that just because it is viewed as such it shouldn't mean that it isn't ok. I love all types of verse from the very modernistic to the classical, it is whether the spirit of the author crosses over that is important to me... I think that we are so unused to hearing classics that they are in danger of becoming unfashionably old fashioned!! I wanted to use a classical structure to mirror the timeless nature of these walls that have stretched over our country for centuries, on the other hand, I don't want to alienate the reader! Thanks again Top Cat! Kathy |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| Oops wrong cartoon, I think that you were coming from Yellowstone Park! Kathy |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I really enjoyed reading this. For what it is worth, I liked the style.
I love dry walls and like to imagine all the hands that built them and the circumstances under which they were built; they take so much patience and hard work, but a good wall lasts for ages and, whether moss and lichen interlock or not, is truly a thing of beauty. |
I agree!
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| These walls take on a huge significance for me, especially as our lives seem to be in such a state of flux at present... Thanks for your comments, how we all differ in our tastes! Regards, Kathy |
Good for now
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 24th February 2007 |
I think this one can use some more cooling time and revisit it a few months away. It starts out a little too strong, I think. Switching S1 with S2 might give it a more gradual build up. Also, it seems a little lofty: lines like "and holds not" and "or history can it list" don't support the meaning very well, although they help the rhyme
It is not 'Great' this wall
And holds not cousin China's mighty thrall.
Nor in its place, or history can it list
Where Pyramus fair Thisby almost kissed.
"It is no great design, this wall
Not with China's might thrall
Nor in its place will history list
Such as fair Thisby almost kissed"
Pardon my intrusion, but just a suggestion of removing some words that don't really support the basic meaning and make the flow very irratic and using others that are a little more "constructive".
I think it can be improved, though is a good poem.
BW
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Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 25th February 2007 |
BW your intrusion is most welcome!! Yes, I take your points and I have already decided to let it lie.
I purposely tackled this subject in a very formal style because it seemed to let itself to it but I take people's points concerning the archaic language and agree that it doesn't flow easily in places.
I probably need educating though and am torn because I can't decide whether it is just 'unfashionably oldfashioned' yet not necessarily incorrect or simply wrong and unsubtle!
For example, is it 'bad' to write 'use not' or 'holds not' etc., or is being judged because it is not a style that modern ears like? Just can't tell!!!!! I do agree though that it can be smoothed out considerably and I understand that it is far from finished.
Liked some of your verse suggestions and will give them thought.
I meant 'Great' as in stature, compared with China's one...
But I think that I just need to forget about it for a while and then return.
Many thanks for your ideas, they very helpful.
Regards,
Kathy
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