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Non-Fiction
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| Unaccustomed as I am... | |
| By Snodlander | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 20 February 2007 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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By popular demand Ladies and Gentlemen. Friends and Family. For a long time Grace said that she would never get married. There was a reason for this. The Father of the Bride Speech! Grace is under the impression that I will take this opportunity to insult the groom and his family in the mistaken belief that I am being funny. I would like to set her mind at peace by stating that I intend to do no such thing. In fact, I am going to take this opportunity to say something nice about W…W… Steve. [PAUSE] But I’m going to work my way up to it. Bear with me. When Grace was born… Oh yes, this is going to take a while. Make yourselves comfortable. When Grace was born I was awestruck with wonderment. How could something so wonderful, so beautiful, so perfect have been produced by such ordinary people? Surely this could be nothing less than a gift bestowed on us by the Grace of God. And as Grace grew, so did my joy. As a small child she showed a… distinct personality. She couldn’t actually walk past a Claire’s shop. She would dress up in pink fluff. She would play tickling games with me and sing The Wheels On The Bus. She once asked how it was that I knew everything. I told her that, before you are allowed to be a Dad, you have to attend a course. On this course they taught you everything. She never believed me, and would constantly come to me with new puzzles she had discovered in the world around her. And then… And then she became a teenager. Parents of teenage girls know exactly what I mean. Overnight it seemed, she changed. Now the only time she wore anything other than black she was being ‘ironic. Duh!’ She would flinch if anyone would come within five feet of her. The music she played made my ears bleed. Instead of knowing everything, I knew nothing. Nothing at all. In short, she became a right miserable cow. I’m sorry, darling, but you were. Then one evening she brought a boy around for tea. I thought nothing of it, because by now I was resigned to her being a bitter, lonely lesbian for the rest of her life. It was only the odd look she had on her face when she said goodbye to him that caused me to reconsider. It was almost as if… surely not! Surely that wasn’t a smile under the surly look. As the days turned into weeks a remarkable change took place. She started to listen to Emo music. No, I have no idea what Emo is either, but the point is it doesn’t actually make my ears bleed. She started to dress like a human being. Her black wardrobe was augmented with lighter shades of grey. And she started to talk to me. Not at me, but to me. I learnt to recognise when Steve was on-line. Grace would smile and even laugh out loud when chatting to him over the InterWeb. When he visited she had this gormless grin on her face. See? That’s the one. It was a ‘I’m getting a baby pony for Christmas’ type of look. I hoped… sorry, I mean, I thought that after a while it would wear off, but no, the more time they spent together, the happier she seemed to become. This is a terrible, terrible thing for a father to have to admit. There comes a time, hopefully, when you acknowledge that there is another… man… that can make your daughter happier than you can. Steve is that… man. He makes Grace happy, and when all’s said and done, you cannot want anything more from a marriage. He makes my little girl happy, and I could not say anything better about any man alive. So long as you make her happy, Steve, I want you to know… the thing I want to say is… Sorry, this is difficult for me to put into words. I’m afraid I’ll just have to sing it Take good care of my baby. Never ever make her cry. Just let your love surround her, Wrap a rainbow tight around her. [TAKE BASEBALL BAT FROM UNDER THE TABLE] ‘Cos if you don’t then you will die! [DANCE TO STAND BEHIND STEVE’S CHAIR] Take good care of my baby. Don’t you ever make her blue. ‘Cos she’s got uncles and her dad And we can beat you up real bad. Just remember we’ll be watching you Finally, I would just like to say that I hope that you and Steve will be as happy as Jacqui and I thought we were going to be.
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