As my first offering was a very traditional verse that is not accessible to everyone, I wanted to try out just almost writing out loud, a type of stream of thought that took a free verse format. I live in a valley and often look up to the top of the hills through my kitchen window and daydream a little... I wanted to express my feelings that us humans could do with a time out in order to bring our egos into line. Hope that this is going to work, again, any critiques are very welcome.
Gliding.
I want to glide above those hills up there,
Like a celestial acrobat
And soar up above life like a bird.
I want to step out of this body, this life
(Only for a moment)
And fly, freely,
Gliding and swooping around the clouds,
Dodging in and out, high above the earth, singing.
I want to soar and swoop, higher and higher into the air
Until I can't hear the earth any more.
Until sounds become silent
And the only sound to be heard is -
Freedom.
I want to feel the sun on my backas I fly.
I want the air to rush up my nose
And circulate around my mind
Until all of those muddled-up thoughts are airbrushed away.
I want to swallow little pieces of sky
So that I can take them back to earth when I fall
And they can keep me hoping
When I can't see the sky through looking down too much.
I want you to join me
And I want us to stop up there, right in the middle of the sky and wait
Until the earth, sun, moon and stars and all of the universe
Can reveal that, it isn't us that holds them all together!
Then, perhaps we can all fly down again with angel wings
And ask ourselves, who on earth we think we are?
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Can anyone help?
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| I'm not sure if this has registered. Does a new work automatically go onto the home page? I'm still only 1 day old according to my membership age, so I don't really know what I am doing yet! Thanks, Kathy |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
If I remember rightly funny things happen on GW when you use the back button on your browser...if my stuff doesn't appear on the homepage I click on view my existing work, open the piece and then just resave it - then if you click on the home page link it should register. I think...but take no responsibility for any computer-related advice I'm foolish enough to give.
As for the poem - nice idea. Thought it was longer than it needed to be though - some repetition of ideas.
I liked the acrobat and also the idea about swallowing little pieces of sky.
Wasn't keen on air rushing up the nose - very prosaic, didn't really fit the tone fo the piece. I'd also cut the last six lines - came across (to me at least) as a bit 'tell' rather than 'show' (hope you know what I mean by that). not subtle enough although I like the idea inherent in the last line just think you could have expressed it more subtly and it would have been more powerful as a result.
That all sounds negative for the first review I've left you! It's not particularly supposed to be - I think this is worth working on which is why I bothered to volunteer some thoughts - hope some of them are useful.
Cheers
Elli
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Thanks Elli
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| I think that your comments are valid, I don't want to tell people what to do! The last line involving the words 'who on earth' were intended to reflect the fact that we have all gone on a journey into the sky. Thanks, Kathy |
As a non poet....
Written by richard (88 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Not a poet, but for what it's worth.
1. I was completely mesmerised by the first three stanzas. Seriously - butterflies in stomach and all the rest of it. (Not had that happen for a while!)
2. The word "airbrushed" then killed it for me - it seemed a very mechanical/unnatural image to throw into a completely natural and soft, embracing atmosphere you had created. (Maybe that was the point?)
3. The "angel wings" line didn't work for me...I think because again it was a very natural piece and then suddenly a religious image that didn't seem to fit.
However, oddly for this kind of work (which isn't my usual fare I have to admit) I really enjoyed it! Thanks.
Richard |
For me
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| it jarred quite a bit, although the images you painted were good. I think it was the very different length of some of the lines. I think I must be a rather tidy poet because it worries me if my lines aren't quite the same length. If I wrote about gliding, I would want it to flow smoothly and evenly - but there you are. We are all different in our tastes, thank God! |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Different length of lines. 
Sorry, on with the review. First three verses paint the scene very well, although as Elli says, a little repetition. The fourth verse has a couple of bits that jar: air up my nose - made me think of that stinging feeling you get in swimming pools when you get water up your nose, airbrushed - too man made after the very natural beginning.
Enjoyed.
Phil. |
Hi Richard, Josie and Phil
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I accept the thought that a poem about gliding should flow, I will find that very useful.
The 'airbrush' reference doesn't seem to have been very popular, I was using the word as if re-inventing it meaning not the one that we know but a sky version, with the air being used to brush the mind clean of cobwebs... but it didn't work!! Perhaps I should have written air brush or air-brush... ? What do you think?
'Angel Wings' I chose quite carefully (oops) as a means of suggesting that 'you and I' had become as temporary angels as it were and so drifted down to earth with borrowed goods... Don't know if that it any better now that an explanation has been given?
The air 'rushing up the nose' I agree was quite mechanical and again intentional at the point of writing because I wanted to suggest a violent act, as it would need some force to send out those negative thoughts and emmotions... I can easily change that thought though... will give it some thought.
I am really grateful, these particular comments have given me more thoughts to work with. I will try again! Would you be prepared to write back to me again? Thanks, Kathy |
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