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Poetry


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A Beggar In Delhi I Did See..

By amoryblaine

20 February 2007

Laying low
curled
foetus revisited
for warmth
in this cold world.
Sandpapered skin
rubs
the tarmac
with detachment
without hate and without love.

Zooming lenses
attack
stoned backpackers
great artists
click away to take memories back
home
where
he hangs
framed
his body and soul bare.

And connoisseurs say that the lighting is great.

Reviews

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th February 2007

Ditch the exclamation mark - it's not needed, that last lineis powerful enough to stand on its own. IMO by putting ! you're saying to the reader, 'I'm not sure you've quite understood how important this point is so I'm going to slap you round the face just to make sure.'

Good idea. I don't like the line structure - ruins the read a little. e.g.

Zoomin lenses attack,
stoned backpackers, great artists
click away to take memories back home
where he hangs, framed, body and soul bare.

or something similar would read better - for me at least. As you might notice I also reckon you can drop 'now' and one of the 'backs from that stanza and also 'and' from the last line.

Similarly in the first stanza you could lose the repetition of 'cold' and I don't think you need the bit about hate and love - chucking a couple of abstract concepts into a physical stanza provokes confusion in this reader at least.

Just my opinions - but for what it's worth I reckon that you've got a potentially good piece here but you need to edit and think about every single word - if it doesn't add anything, lose it. Hope some of that's useful.

Elli

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 20th February 2007

I liked this, but think there's so much more quality in there if you fiddle about a bit. I can't disagree with a word Elli has written - seems like good advice to me.

Phil.

Written by amoryblaine (40 comments posted) 20th February 2007

Thanx elli .i think ur advice is greatly appreciated and i will work on it soon.

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