Experimental. Criticisms? Does it work i.e. does it communicate effectively? Is it poetry?
I hate not giving this a title, but, as we've established, they're proving somewhat of a nemesis for me at the moment and this one has me stumped.
You stab me with venom-tipped words,
puncturing further skin that already bristles
with your scorn.
I lie white-lipped,
curled
tightly into
a globe,
surviving on reserves
until your storm collapses,
waiting for Spring omens
cast in the flight of birds
to call time on your edicts.
When I choose to leave
you will be powerless;
the spines you embed
in me are pointed at both ends.
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Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I'll tell you my take on this and then you can disregard my comments if I have the wrong end of the stick:
Violent, or at least aggressive relationship. The words used against you are stored up in readiness to be used in retaliation in the future. - Leave him now Elli.
The beginning is very strong, vibrant with aggression and hate. -And then I'm a little less sure. From line eleven to fifteen it doesn't have the focus it begins with. The ending, like the beginning, is strong but with less threat of violence and more consideration. I like the way the beginning and end are directly linked.
Should second last line read embed not embedded?
Is it poetry? Bloody hell Elli, you should now. It has a pulse and ebb and flow to it rather than a rhythm or steady metre. It layers meaning and individual words mean more because of the other words around them. It doesn't rhyme, but that's one of the last things I look for. It isn't prose - so poetry it is. (Am I waffling?)
Enjoyed this Elli. I don't always find your work easy, but it's almost always rewarding when I delve in. Writing a review is a good way to do a mini deconstruction and think a bit deeper.
Enjoyed.
Phil. |
Not for me
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
| Elli - I have to tell the truth. I hated seeing your words flung all about the place. Well, I could see that a poem with such emotion could justify doing this, but I found it very frightening/alarming but I guess this is one way to give vent to fury. So sad! |
Tweaked
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Changed the middle section, hope it works better now.
First of all - first person but thankfully outside of my actual experiences.
Phil -
You're spot on re: content and ta for the heads up on embed. Thanks for the comments - very helpful.
Josie -
Thanks for your honesty - your opinions are after all just as valid as anyone else's around here. If you found it frightening and alarming then that is (not good) but means that it has communicated something at least.
Thanks both
Elli
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Elli, I really like this. I loathe the word 'empowered' -- overly used! -- but that is just what the narrator is here. She is biding her time, storing up her energy, ready to do something positive in leaving a bad situation. It is sad that her relationship with this man should have come to this, but not at all sad that she is doing the right thing.
I can see Josie's point about the words 'flung about.' But I have to say that I love the round little shape that 'curled tightly into a globe' makes, even though I am not a fan of those poems that make a picture with the text. |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
Middle section works better for me now.
Happy now I know it's fiction.
Phil. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I like it, but reserve judgement til tomorrow
oli  |
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2327 comments posted) 20th February 2007 |
I like this again very powerful poem, full of emotion.
The image I like best is at the end - the doubled barbed sting embedded in the writer - leaving the agressor powerless, but the vitim capable of doing the same thing to someone else. Not a nice happy thought - but very powerful. It made me think of bees and wasps who die when they have stung a person. Not that you can do much harm with second hand stinging - literally speaking, but all the violence that is meeted on boys who then do the same thing to their wives and children - is that not kind of like having been pierced by a barb - the person then uses the other end of the barb to injure others.
I like the spaced words - because they take your attention and make you think what it is really about. |
Written by fellpony (1659 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
I took this stanza --
When I choose to leave
you will be powerless;
the spines you embed
in me are pointed at both ends.
-- to mean that the victim will get her (just possibly his!) own back by leaving, and that will be a just response... as well as, sadly, the other meaning of the victim possibly doing this to others later.
Having had a daughter in a similar situation and taken part in the fight that ensued when she decided to leave it, I think I understood this sad and powerful poem.
Possible title: self defence? |
OK, ready now.
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
I don't like "cast" - the analogy has to be with either arrows or darts (throw, shoot?) cast, for me has a element of discarding.
I like very much the "curled tightly into a globe" t looks like a little egg in the middle of the poem. Clever.
Arrrghhh! You use the word "cast" again -CAST IT OUT! (held, carried, showered? Dunno).
Not sure about the double ended spines - I cant imagine any animal that would have them. Perhaps "spines" is not best (cocktail sticks are pointed at both ends?)
Very nice poem, only needing a few tweaks to be brilliant.
Oli
 |
Thanks all
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Some interesting points there:
The ending was supposed to be a little ambiguous so I'm glad there are some diffferent interpretations floating around.
As for the title - I quite like 'self defence' FP though self preservation might also work. Will have to think about it.
Oli - well spotted on the duplication - I hadn't noticed  First time around I was thinking of javelins, second time round - casting bones, runes and all that malarky - will have a think about them both. Spines - I was thinking hedgehog - hence curled into a ball. Perhaps doesn't come across, the idea being you can't see the points beneath the surface.
Anyway lots of food for thought there. Thanks everyone
Elli |
Very evocative...
Written by richard (88 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
I liked this a lot, although for me the word spacing didn't add anything to the poem - although the stanza as a ball did - as it seemed right for the words.
"Spines" also didn't work for me (ref earlier review) - spears, darts, arrows, - link back to venom tipped words - which immediately makes me think of poison darts/arrows.
Did you think about "spit" instead of cast in the first line?
Good stuff tho'
Richard |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Elli, the title for this one has been plaguing me all night. Pointed Words? Pointed at Both Ends? Serpent's Teeth? Words Like Needles? Eek -- that latter one sounds like words with an affinity for sharps! I cannot think of a title, but I do want you to know it wasn't for lack of trying. . .
'Cast' didn't bother me a bit, but I do agree that 'spit' is better here -- or 'fire'? |
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