okay, okay I nicked the title, but it works.
seems unfinished - a work in progress, methinks. To be honest I don't really like it - the main idea may have got lost somewhere, I think the language disintegrates a bit as you read...but anyway
hope you get more out of it than I did =) Come on, read me. Slip beneath my dust jacket, between my lines, just like you think you can. Split my ink into its colours. See me spread before you, fragile as the tissue paper, true hues laid bare in rings around my darkened centre - watch them grow. Pick my metaphor to bits, and see each figure of my speech dismantled to its elements, for what it's worth. But as you delve and peer and analyse - I should warn you now - that although you see this form in words, it may be better to review this plot-twist tome in terms of it's bigger picture. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 21st February 2007 | I really like this. It's an unique idea and you handle it with a delicate touch: I especially like the line "Split my ink into its colours". To me you are equating the often aggressive act of evaluating a work of literature with the act of judging a person, and I think you nearly pull it off. I do find the final stanza disappointing though; it seems to me that you have encountered the problem of trying to put your point across whilst maintaining the poetical style of the rest of the piece. In the end it comes across as a bit blunt and abrupt (also, "its" doesn't need a possessive apostrophe  I also found the metaphor a tad difficult to understand in the second stanza- what rings are you referring to? I'd love to know. | Good idea
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 21st February 2007 | | It doesn't matter if you nicked the title because what you have written is different. I also think that it is a work in progress, but you have lots of good concepts to work on. I love books, and I have to tell you that there is something special about a well made book with lovely paper, and when you open the pages they smell new. (Silly old thing I'm sure you're thinking!) ha ha |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 21st February 2007 | I'm not too sure about this, Chloe. The last stanza ruins it for me - I can't quite understand what it is trying to say.
Up to that point, the metaphor is clear and works well. Having read some of your better (excellent) work, I think you could polish this up. I concur that it is a strong idea though, so don't give up on it!
oli |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 21st February 2007 | This may be me, but the first stanza sounds quite seductive. Read it with a Jessica Rabbit voice, you'll see what I mean. (And no, I'm not some kind of weirdo)
Thought this started well (obviously), with Oli on the last stanza.
Well worth some work.
Can anyone tell me the difference between a verse and a stanza?
Phil. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 21st February 2007 | Yes, I really like this, but I'm afraid I have to agree about the last stanza (or verse? there's a difference?). Thought the second stanza was great.
Best wishes,
E |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 21st February 2007 | | I enjoyed your language, which to me gave it a very rich and succulent sound! Kathy | thanks guys...
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 21st February 2007 | see, I love this reviewing thing, because other people think of what I don't. I knwo the last stanza is crap [and no, there isn't a difference between a stanza and a verse, however 'verse' as a concept is kinda different].
The seductive thing was pretty much what I was going for [cheers Phil =)], I was quite proud of those first two to be honest.
The 'rings' is the idea of separating the ink - when you put it on chromatography paper the different hues travel out from the central ink-drop to different distances.
Will look back and polish from "...for hwat it's worth." onwards
watch this space * *
ta again
clo x | Fascinating
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 2nd March 2007 | Hi Clo
Just got back to GW after a long time away and caught this. I read it, then read the comments, but I have to say, I thought it was really good. It conjured up all kinds of ideas. I agree with Phil that the first verse is seductive, it pulls you into the poem, without you realising it.
Something about the second verse made me think of the printing process, the CMYK thing, colour registrations, placing one colour on top of the other. For me it worked, you can't read a book if its not printed.
The third verse seemed to make a mental jump from manufacturing process to critque and analysis of the written word.
The last verse got me thinking of the cinema, an intimation that although reading is good, sometimes seeing someone elses viewpoint and perspective can add to the enjoyment (although sometime it can destroy it completely).
All in all, I liked what you were trying to do, and I think it worked really well...
best wishes
mish x |
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