Hope that it is sufficiently better than the last version...Would be very grateful for any comments/crits.
Cheers,
Kathy
Gliding (Mark 2)
I want to glide above those hills up there,
Like a celestial acrobat
And soar up above like a bird.
I want to step out of this body, this life
(Only for a moment)
And fly, freely
Gliding and swooping around the clouds
Dodging in and out, high above the earth;
Singing.
I want to soar and swoop,
Higher and higher into the air
Until I can't hear the world anymore;
Until sounds become silent
And the only sound to be heard is -
Freedom.
And deep, through the blue depths,
I shall soar upwards again
To the pinnacle of my reach -
So high above the earth that I am invisible
And barely still exist...
Then the sun will illuminate
My lucent body of light
And the wind will billow through my mind,
And I shall swallow up little pieces of sky
To feed me hope for when I return
And haven't the strength
To look upwards.
|
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Well the bits that jarred a little before have gone. I think it holds together much better as a result. Something I didn't notice before (sorry) got me this time. Verse three, repetition of 'sounds.' I was trying to think of a way you could avoid it, but failed.
Liked it.
Phil. |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
| Thanks Phil. I did think about altering the repetition of 'sounds' but for some reason that I can't explain, I thought that it was right to leave it. Thanks for your advice. Kathy |
I would love some more advice!!!
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 22nd February 2007 |
I would really appreciate it if anyone else would be kind enough to crit it for me... I have been grateful for some very good one's in the first version of this and am still open to thought...
Thanks in anticipation!
Kathyreally |
Written by ellipinnock (1784 comments posted) 23rd February 2007 |
This is definitely better than the first time round.
'those hills up there' - bit awkward? I would have preferred those/these hills - no need for up there as it's implied by the rest of the content.
I also wasn't too keen on the repetition of 'sound'.
The other think I noticed this time around is that you use 'soar' and 'swoop' multiple times. Hard to avoid I know but I reckon you could lose a few of them. Also wasn;t sure about the ... in the penultimate stanza.
The last stanza, however, I thought was very good - liked it a lot.
Elli |
Hi Ellie
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 23rd February 2007 |
I am very grateful to you for bothering to come and have another look, its yours and others initial comments that have helped me improve upon it... I am delighted.
Yes, I understand about the 'soar' word I might try something else, the 'sound' bit I really do know about, can't explain why I have done it but I almost wanted to do the opposite of what should be done for some reason... I will give it a little while and then re-visit it and see what I feel about it then.
The 'above those hills up there' was an attempt to make the reader almost be physically present... I'll see.
Glad you approved of last stana cos I that felt right to me.
Grateful thanks,
Kathy |
HI Kathy
Written by jean.day (2361 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
I am going to be in the minority here and say I really liked the original one - and although I like the new one too, I miss the air rushing through your nose to brush (ir not airbrush) your brain.
I think sometimes people can get too concerned about others' opinions and lose something of themselves in their writing. My first book, I wrote with a lot of criticism and advice from a creative writing group. As a result of their suggestions, I changed the first chapter - and now that the book has been read by many of my friends, a frequent comment is - The beginning is slow. It took forever to get into the really interesting part of the story. So if I had left it the way I wrote it originally, I would have pleased some people - although no doubt I would have displeased others - but it would have been truer to my writing style. |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
Jean
You seem to have tapped in to one of my concerns! I am an inexperienced writer with the sort of nature that although stubborn, is too willing to listen to other voices as if being 'better' than my own. I think at times that it is hard to judge because language can go in 'fashions' as can anything else and at the age of 48yrs, I am going to have had different influences to younger people... so individual tastes differ greatly don't they? Is it just 'unfahionable' or plain bad?!!!
I get the view that crits I have had have been from very talented and educated people whom I admire, however, I too loved the physical force of the air rushing up the nose - I wasn't wanting to achieve elegance - but for it to be quite a violent act as if to awaken the sloth... I wanted the reader to experience a physical jolt...
I do think that although the second version maintains the feeling of peace - but I had actually wanted the 'spell' to break and for violent nature to do some magic... I tend to say my poems aloud and wondered whether that was a good thing to do or not - does that translate into written form effectively?
I am grateful for your email - I shall study more of your work and that of others to get to know them and my own tastes better.
Regards,
Kathy |
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