This is a true story and a "need to write" but it isn't coming easily - so any help/crit appreciated.
Oli
He found them at the pit
my grandfather
two fragile seedling trees
surviving
on the barren slag.
They must have spoken to him
in their spindly voices
“we struggle here”
for he bore them home
cradled in his empty lunch box.
The rowans were given foothold
at the corners of the lawn
and grew prodigiously
in the love of the old miner.
One grew faster
with boughs to climb
berries to pea-shoot
bark to smell
knotty roots
shady leaves.
The other grew slower
an accidental bonsai
with all the beauty of its brother
but none of his stature.
Then my grandfather died
the very first thing
the new residents did
was cut them both down.
Thirty years, gone
in the buzz of a chainsaw.
Oli 21/02/07
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Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Awww. How sad!
Trees can tell such stories. My brother once planted a very small poplar in our garden and, as poplars do, it soon grew as tall as the house. When he was suggested to pollard it, he got so angry that he cut it down to the ground...  |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
I thought this was lovely, simple but poignant. I can imagine it as part of a collection of poems about your childhood, along with The Dardanelles and the Harrisons. Rowan trees aren't easy to transplant (or at least I've had little luck with doing this), so your grandfather did well to manage this. I've got three in my garden now, but we used to have four; I dug up one that was obviously self-seeded and in the wrong place -- and it died, even though I carefully transplanted it. I felt so mean.
I still mourn the macadamia nut tree my father planted in our garden in 1963. When I left home at the age of seventeen, that tree fruited for the first time and my family had enough macadamia nuts for the entire neighborhood. Ten years later, the new owner, a nice man, didn't know what it was; he cut it down because the leaves hurt his children's feet. I could have wept. |
Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Liked this very much Oli. The way you build slowly to the end mirrors the slow patient growth of the tress, and then the sudden end with the sudden contrasting emotion.
Far be it from me to advise you on poetry but you asked, so here goes.
I'm not sure you need the last line. It's almost implicit because of the contrast. Leaving it out might allow for a wider range of emotional reaction from readers. It doesn't bother me, but I know the word 'hate' alone will put some off. You seem to have gone comma mad in this. Probably there to slow it down, but again, not needed because the line breaks do that for you. I thought every 'and' in the piece could go, even the one, 'and the very first thing..'
As I said at the start, I really like this as it is.
Hope you don't think me impudent.
Phil |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
For what it's worth I agree with Phil - drop the last line, kill some commas and get rid of all the 'ands' - full stop after 'my grandfather died' perhaps? could even stand on its own.
Those things aside I too liked this very much. Simple and powerful
Elli |
Very Well Crafted
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
| I liked this one and loved the image of the 'accidental bonzai' which made me laugh. I agree that the last line just seemed so stark in contrast to the rest of the poem - I think that was probably your intention but it was less elegant than the rest of the poem.. Kathy. |
Phil
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Impudent? Never!
A friend, most certainly!
Oli  |
Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 21st February 2007 |
Thanks Oli.
Aready very good, I think it's even better. Just check v3, something not quite right.
Phil. |
Mother Earth
Written by Josie (2788 comments posted) 22nd February 2007 |
promised to pay back people who cruelly cut down the trees: See my poem: http://www.whiteheadm.co.uk/html/payback.html#mother
I loved your poem Oli, and I have to say that it makes me really angry when people move into property and the first thing they do is chop down the trees. Here, Bradford Council are very strict. There is an £8,000 fine for chopping down trees, and a man from the council comes round every year to check on our sycamore and whitebeam trees. We can't even lop off a branch without permission. Added to this, I go along with all that has been said so far. |
The Rowans
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 22nd February 2007 |
I like the last line Oli and I think it should stay. It does of course replace what could have read "In the blinking of an Eye" and as such is quite a fitting end.
Coming from the North East I can associate with the old miner and his garden.
Cliff |
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