Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Right here is where you start paying....
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1905 guests online and 5 members online
Shorts
Right here is where you start paying....
By NeilTollfree
21 February 2007
A little bit of a much longer  short story.

I love wirting dialogue, but I struggle with the stuff you have to wrap round the dialogue....so any help welcomed 

 Hove park was looking particularly green today, the morning light gave everything a pleasing sharpness that brought out the best in the outdoors. Simon Peters, however, was distracted by the little ray of gloom that sat opposite him. He peered at Kirsty over the top of the Telegraph sports section. He hated the paper, but it was the only one in which he was guaranteed not to find any pictures of him. He was fairly sure she was dischuffed. He had noticed she was staring intently at one of the Sunday red top supplements written for ‘women’. This was not good. They’d got her again.

 “Hon?” tentative contact initiated. Unfortunately no response was forthcoming. He hated this, apart from anything else; she looked so bloody dour when she sulked. She looked good in the sunglasses mind, and the new bob set her off a treat when she smiled. He sensed they were quite some distance from a smile this morning though.

 “Kirst ? Hon? You all right?”

 She tossed a look at him that indicated that she was pretty far from alright, thank you very much.

 “Oh look Kirsty –“

“’Look Kirsty’ ? Look-bloody-Kirsty. No Simon, this is not a situation where ‘Look Kirsty’ is going to get you any bloody where.” Okay, it was clear he hadn’t realised the gravity of the situation. It was a shame, by and large he liked Kirsty. They’d kicked about together now for a couple of weeks now and he thought it was going pretty well. Clearly not.

The good thing about recognition from the tabloids and glossies, he was punching well above his weight with the ladies. Take Kirsty, well above average looking, pushing a nine on the Dudley Moore scale. Three months ago, the closest he’d get to a conversation would be making nuisance phone calls.  Get  a couple of photos of him on about page seven with an arm drapped round the bassist of a pretty good indie band or coming out of one of the smarter designer shops in town and he was a hit. That whiff of recognition was proving quite the turn on.

See, he was a pretty average looking thirty something, he kept his head shaved close to hide the bald patch, had enough cash to kit himself in pretty good clobber and at a push could generate a good moody look over the top of a cigarette. But take away the gossip columns and he’s Barry Average. Something about the fame though. He figured that women assumed he had his pick of the ladies, therefore were flattered when he spoke to them, therefore he’d end up with his pick of the ladies.

Thing was, these three or four week flings were losing their lustre and he was into Kirsty. She looked damned good, and they seemed to be into the same movies and Pubs and stuff as well.

If he couldn’t talk her round then he was going to personally get on a train to London and punch the editor of the Star right in the face

“Kirsty, in all honesty, is it really that bad?”

She tossed him a withering look that would have made a girder go floppy.

“Simon. They’ve got a picture of me in my bra.” She held the picture at him while looking into the horizon.

“You look good”, he said hopefully.

“In my sodding bra Simon!”

“They are bastards aren’t they.” But she wasn’t really listening. She said it almost as if she’d just realised it and was articulating the words as they formed in her mind
“I can’t do this.”

“Oh come on Kirst, I know it’s a pain, but-“

She looked at him and put her hand on his knee “No Simon, look, I’ve had a lot of fun these last few weeks But, look, I really can’t be waking up with a hangover in your tiny flat and walk down the shop to see this kind of thing. I’m sorry sweetie, I’m out.” Damn, that was cold of her. As an after thought, “Why is your flat so tiny anyway ?” she stood up, put her funky new Prada bag on her shoulder and walked off. She dropped the tabloid in the bin and as she did so, turned and gave him a smile.

Simon was dumbstruck; he was looking forward to a nice day of reading papers in the park, maybe a pub lunch, and hitting the sack before Midsommer Murders. Now he was on his own with a headache and a bad paper.

Bloody tabloids, they were turning into a right pain. He couldn’t scratch his bum without the three am girls popping up and taking a picture. Literally. Page nine of the Sunday Mirror two weeks ago - “‘Rash’ decision to scratch it in the street Simon.” Bastards.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 21st February 2007
This almost stands alone, but I'm glad you said it was a part of something bigger. I thought this flowed pretty well as a piece of narrative. I'm left with more questions than answers, but then there is more of this. 
 
Some slightly dodgy punctuation. If you end speech with a full stop, question mark or exclamation mark, the next word should be capitalised. Normally you'd start a new line for the narrative, so long as it's not speech attribution. Hope grandma's not sucking her proverbial eggs! 
 
Would like to read the rest of this sometime, so main job done. 
 
Phil.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 21st February 2007
Yep, it's a good beginning. It makes you want to know more if only to get some context, your skillful avoidance of it left a lot of queries, as Phil said. 
I love dialogue as well and was looking forward to some and was a bit disappointed. I do think it would have benfitted from a bit more[go on spoil yourself]; what was there was so sharp and some telling comment would have given us a good insight into character and cut down on some description 
I am crap at narrative and have got round the problem by not writing it. I just do dialogue. Have you thought of scripting it? 
cheers 
J

Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 21st February 2007
Well, I was disappointed when this ended...so job done I suppose! I loved some of your character descriptions (...at a push could generate a good moody look over the top of a cigarette) and I liked the easy narrative style. More please!

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st February 2007
I laughed out loud a few times with this one -- I liked the part where Simon told Kirsty that she looked good in her bra. I agree with Jane that you could have put in even more dialog and it would have been all the better, but I thought that the narrative worked just fine. I too look forward to more.

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 22nd February 2007
"dischuffed". Not heard that before. Not sure it fitted. 
 
The bit about the park made me think that they were sitting in the park. Maybe a comment about the park looking green through the kitchen windows would have helped. 
 
Those two minor gripes aside, I don't think you have any cause to be worried about your narrative. It worked fine alongside your excellent dialogue.

Written by AtticMan ( comments posted) 22nd February 2007
Like Snodlander I was slightly thrown by the bit about the park. 
 
Your dialogue ties in well with the narrative. Some good moments, like 'the little ray of gloom' and 'a withering look that would have made a girder go floppy.' 
 
Looking forward to the rest of it.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 23rd February 2007
Not a lot to add to what has already been said. I enjoyed this. 
 
Like others - I got confused by the in the park, not in the park issue. 
 
Dialogue great, narrative great. Nice hook - I want to read more! Some nice touches as well - most of which have been previously mentioned.  
 
Thought you did a good job with this. 
 
Elli

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 1st March 2007
Very funny style and I laughed out loud on several occassions! I loved the thought of him having to make 'nuisance phone calls'. 
 
I think that this is very promising and I certainly would like to read more of it... it is just my sense of humour and as an ex-actorine I can tell your theatrical roots!! I think that actors like dialogue so much because we work with it of-course but I thought the narrative flowed mainly very well too. 
 
Couple of points: 
 
Too many 'now"s in - "They'd kicked about together now for a couple of weeks now" ? 
 
I thought that it would have been good not to repeat the phrase "He'd end up with his pick of the ladies" ?  
 
Next episode please... 
Kathy 
 

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item