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Poetry
5-A-Day
By Talisker
22 February 2007
"5 a day" is the UK governments (nanny state) slogan to encourage us all to eat lots of rabbit food and cow fodder.

Of course, I did so already.  Deep fried (chips are veg, right? - well they ain't animal or mineral!)

Easy peel jaffas on special offer
straight from the kibbutz
as kosher as the day is long
and like the man who’s firing blanks
these beauties have “no peeps”

Golden Delicious French apples
neither golden, nor delicious
oversized, green, watery,
packed with nutritious
pesticides

Cucumber
phallic in its prophylactic wrapping
ninety-five percent water
five percent pleasure
(for most)

Celery
an acrid weed
crunchy and bitter
who first thought to eat
this?

Watercress and dandelion
and rocket and “baby” spinach
aw! Shucks! Baby spinach!
What happened to lettuce
scrunchy iceberg
every time

Paw paws, mangoes, ugly fruit,
bloody ugly fruit! Who decides?
on fruit beauty?
“And this year’s Miss Fruitiverse
is…the Kiwi!”

Mushrooms
little satanic trees
how tiny is a lumberjack
in a mushroom forest?

Broccoli
break the stalks off
you pay less
trust me
I’m a Scotsman

Oli 22/02/07

Reviews
Absolutely right
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 22nd February 2007
And, as you will see from my poem, they don't do you any good really! I thought your poem was really funny - and it is nice to have a good laugh sometimes! ha ha

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 22nd February 2007
And - rub the loose layers of skin off your onions and get rid of the tatty leaves around your cabbage - you pay less. Trust me, I'm a Yorkshireman of Scottish extraction. 
 
A poem to enjoy. You missed lychees - they're not even edible. 
 
Phil.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 22nd February 2007
Funny poem, but I love all of these vegetables and fruit. All except for the iceberg lettuce, anyway. 
 
I've got fifteen tins of lychees, if anyone is interested in them. Uh -- tins, that is.
Trust?
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 22nd February 2007
Trust me, I'm a Scotsman....is that like saying "I"m from the government and I'm here to help you." 
 
All seriousness aside, nice to read some well penned bafoonery. Like Kathy's effort, I know this took some serious brain waves to make it this appetizing. 
 
good job 
 
BW
5-A-dAY
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 23rd February 2007
this one had me in stitches Oli, especially the last verse. (tust - trust & stock - stalk or is this dialect?) I'm a Durham chap living in North Yorkshire and you know what they say about Yorkshire men. They are "Sotsmen with the generosity kicked out of them". 
Keep up the good work.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 23rd February 2007
You old cynic,you. I do agree though; ever since the govt suggested it I've looked suspiciously at all the veg. 
And you're right celery isn't food .It has a negative food value, it takes more energy to eat than it provides and it tastes like poo, what's the point? 
Worth the writing 
J

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