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By kitten_princess
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24 February 2007 |
I haven't written for months, then this just happened.
It's another one that's exactly 100 words.
Comments would be really nice. :) I hang up the phone, despondent. The ghost of menses leaves a lingering ache in my abdomen: another pain to deal with. I walk along a sodium-lit street, unearthly shadows aimlessly following my feet. A wall finds my back - I slump, I fall. I wrench my phone out of the safety of a handbag. I find strength from somewhere, and attack buttons. Delete. Delete. Delete. Your number, your texts, your very memory. Later, as I flounder in an oversized double bed, I hope for the alcohol to rinse you away - leave me with a hangover, then no more. |
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 24th February 2007 | OK, I had to look up 'menses', though I should have been able to reason it out.
I think this is very good. The generation before would have ripped out photos from the album, but deleting records from a mobile phone, very noughties. I though it an excellent idea.
Drabbles are very restrictive, trying to exactly hit that 100 word target. I would change 'a handbag' to 'my handbag'. After all, it's not some random bag you're rifling.
I also felt that the 'very' in 'your very memory' was put in there to make the numbers up. Maybe drop that word and add 'alone' to 'I flounder alone in an oversized bed'.
But a brilliant idea. If you're not in my phone, you're not in my life. Liked it a lot. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 25th February 2007 | I too liked the idea of expunging someone from your life deleting phone records. In my day it was taping the record collection that severed the links. It was very vividly expressed.
I don't know why you wanted to limit it to 100 words. I think you could have said more but you did manage to say a lot in a few words
Great Writing [which is what the site's about]
J |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 25th February 2007 | Left a comment on this once but GW timed out or something and it's gone.
Clever use of 100 words. Particularly liked the last clause - ambiguous. No more of him (the dumped) or darker still, no more of your narrator?
Enjoyed.
Phil. | perfect
Written by no1butClo (341 comments posted) 26th February 2007 | look, I know you don't like pressure, but you have exactly a week ['til next monday] to poemise this or I will have to take action.
me x |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th February 2007 | I also thought this was very effective. So that's how they do it nowadays.
The numbers and the texts are the easy part, I suppose. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 28th February 2007 | I liked this as well. Nothing new to say really, just nice job! 
Claire |
Written by NeilTollfree (51 comments posted) 28th February 2007 | Again (I find myself saying this so much on this site) really nice atmosphere.
A very convincing snapshot of a mood. I'm not sure I believe in slumping to the ground, seems a little over dramatic...but then if the idea of the piece is to create a mood then it's fine. |
Written by origami.tree (21 comments posted) 2nd March 2007 | hey princess - i loved this.. your description was very effective and evocative especially considering how few words you used to do it..
great job |
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