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The Test of Tripyramid
By CrazyBubbles
24 February 2007
I wrote this ballad for my middle school English class.  It tells the story of a real-life hiking escapade that my family and I experienced while in the White Mountains of New Hampshire a couple summers ago.


In the mountains of New Hampshire, it was a drizzly summer day
The air was dank and hazy and the sky was dark and gray
A group of eight vacationers, not wanting to waste time
Pulled on their socks and hiking boots and set off for a climb

Two families of four and a little shepherd pup
Drove to Mount Tripiramid, hoping to make it up
The land was flat and easy as they walked the forest path
But little did they know they were to witness sudden wrath
 
As they stepped out from the trees, they were shocked at what they saw
A smooth, slippery, sheet stretched upward, they stared at it in awe
“Oh no!” someone said, “Maybe we should turn back.”
But they had already come so far, so they continued their attack
 
The rock was slick as ice as they struggled up its face
With every step they worried, but turning back would be disgrace
Their boots slipped on the gravel and they sought a safer way
They reached for roots to hold their weight, their minds, a disarray

As they climbed those cliffs of peril, they felt a sense of dread
For they knew that should they fall, they would certainly be dead
Their hands were hot and sweaty and their hearts thumped in their chests
This mountain was a monster, a rival they would best

They pushed themselves to their limits, they fought to the extreme
They planned their next steps carefully and worked together as a team
When the shepherd dog lost balance and slipped down the barren wall
Her faithful friend reached out to catch her and stopped her frightful fall

After two long hours of terror, the group could see the top
Just a hundred more meters of pain, and the agony would stop
They gritted their teeth and clenched their fists, tears trickling from their eyes
And as their boots touched the glorious summit, they let out triumphant cries

Each person had fought a battle, a battle to survive
They had made it to the top and they had made it there alive
But as they scanned their surroundings, their smiles turned to frowns
Now the only question was: how would they get down?

Reviews
Nice Pace
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 24th February 2007
It is nicely done, good pace. I know how difficult it can be to maintain good rhyme and meter while telling a good tale.  
 
There is not a lot of deep meaning, or metaphor and simile -- those elements of writing that make us think and experience what the writer puts in print. But it is very clear and engaging, by the end of 2nd stanza I found a reason to read more, call it intrigue or whatever. 
 
I think you can keep working on this from time to time, maybe trim it up a little bit here and there. The passing of time tends to work wonders on poems. 
 
Please post more. 
 
BW

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 25th February 2007
A solid narrative verse. You seem to be aiming at a very regular pattern, so one or two of your constructions need a little attention. 
 
Bwoz mentioned lack lack of depth - the story element of this carries it through, but s/ome figurative language and a more subtle descriptive tone would add to the drama. 
 
Your profile says you're at high school - I don't know how young/old that makes you - but this is a pretty good first post. Plenty to work with. 
 
Phil.
PS
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 25th February 2007
A really good example of narrative verse with fantastic figurative language is 'The Highwayman' by Alfred Noyes. You might enjoy it. 
 
Phil.
:)
Written by CrazyBubbles (10 comments posted) 25th February 2007
Thank you both for your thoughtful critique! I was aware that the rythmn of the poem was a bit off at some points. I haven't had much practice with poetry. Hopefully my next submission will show better technique. Thanks again! :)

Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 26th February 2007
Not a lot more to add really - a good attempt at this kind of style (I can't do it to save my life) but it needs something more to it in order to catch the attention and the metre does need work at times. 
 
A secondary point - if the font was smaller this might be easier to read (don't often say that) 'cos you wouldn;t be running over onto double lines all the time. 
 
Elli
Hey,
Written by fellpony (1724 comments posted) 26th February 2007
-- more attempts at ballad! Nice try, but not yet quite enough skill to carry the thing through. I think one helpful thing you could do is to try and replace the abstract words like terror, pain, frightful, worried, disgrace, and so on, with images and actions or effects: "show, don't tell." How you do that is up to you, it's your story!

Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 19th March 2007
Very nice indeed! A poem which not only flows well, but also contains a story AND a nice twist in the end. I enjoyed this very much.

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