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Shorts
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| Life ? | |
| By JeffFernandez | ||||||||
| 26 February 2007 | ||||||||
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I short with some insight to be shared. Hope it 9The story) works. Let me know if it does. LifeWell it is often that I feel this tight knot in my throat that stifles my ability to communicate with people. It is too often and I feel so drained by it. I sometimes feel I was in a position to sense no more. The banality of it, the same feeling of embarrassment and uselessness that comes in waves over me, drowning what little stamina for life I had. But it wasn’t always this way. I was young and my life was ahead of me. I often reflect on what went wrong and why? Was it the wrong choices? Was I too hasty? Was I a bad person and therefore did not deserve the things that I wanted? Was I unworthy of the simple things and really God was still kicking me up the arse with that point? I was so full of hope and expectation of how things would be. It seems so naive that I could be that way, but I suppose that comes with age as well. But in the end you will always reflect on the mistakes you made first. I suppose I made many which is why I am here. It seems that I have been put into a position to be punished and belittled by. I was the victim and believe me I did not want to be, It is not what anyone woould desire is it? But I never thought I would be made to feel a fool for the rest of my life and that’s the surprise and also the most depressing. It’s too late to change it all now. I really did choose badly and the result is a life of limited joy and seemingly unlimited emptiness. “ Hi and good to see you again. How can I help?” Such a kind man…but I know that your help for me will be limited. If only I believed what your believe in the powers of science and medicine. But I know the pills numb me enough to stop me from the fatal slip. “ Well…I was not…you know…feeling…” There it is again that same feeling and the knots in my throat. I am so embarrassed to explain myself by my lack of fluid speech. “…low.” Finally I finish a sentence. “ I see… are the tablets I gave you working at all.” Oh dear I have to give an answer. This is so painful and I am aware he sees my pain. “N…NO…no not really.” “ I see you have been on them a long time and they did seem to work before. What is the problem now.” Can’t he see the pain I am in? It never worked and the sedation it gave me then is not enough to stop me thinking of the regret and pain I had over my life which I turned to crap since I made all the wrong choices. The funny thing was that I knew about choice having studied economics and sociology. You would think I could have used that knowledge to try and influence my outcomes. But oh no… and now I forever feel awkward and unable to ‘fit in’. I feel the outsider and unloved and unworthy. I am not like the others and I envy that so much. I wish I was someone else somewhere else. I do…I do…I do. “ Well tell me what you are feeling and there must be something I can think of that would made things better.” I wish I was like him, so positive and eager to help. Maybe he made the right choices and is looking at me with that professional pity they often communicate. Yes, that must it and how can one ever felt not embarrassed by that. But I know that there is no chemical answer to a psychological problem. I know that from the smart-arse Nurse I saw when I was really low. I mean they should be thanking people like me because I am a job creator for them. But they can be so patronizing in their advice or care. Care for the NHS in mental health that really is an oxymoron. But I know my envy is caused by an injustice I felt on life, that no-one can really solve. I feel a real powerlessness in the situation and it makes me feel so low. I cannot change anything at all. Even if I changed my brain and perspective like the psychologist said, my life would be OK but the pain is something I would have to live with. Only at times the pain is so big it hurts me so much. It can be crippling and it has no doubt has changed me. I had no intention of being bitter when I was young but now I am. Really, it is no-one’s fault but I need a focus because, without a reason I cannot move on. It really is too difficult I am trapped in this area of pain which floats in, grips and squeezes my heart. I just wish sometimes it would squeeze a bit harder and stop my… life. “ Well.. is there anything I can do?” Oh yes him…I suppose I better tell him. “ Not really …I know the answer and it will work but …oh never mind.” “ Ok.. can I see you in a fortnight?” “ Ok… I will hopefully be around.” What was I saying I knew that at that moment the question of whether I would be here was very, very debatable. But I did not want to worry him. He was always so kind to me. * * * * * * * * It has to be said that I often think of how I got to this stage sitting in my flat alone with a bottle of pills and razor and a bottle of whisky. I mean I was excited that my life was going to end and the pain would as well. What would it be like to be dead? Would I see angels? Would I see the opposite? But I knew that this life of mine had probably come to the end of its course. Don’t get me wrong I have had good times and the life before the pain was fine but it all just fizzled out. Just fizzled out and it started to leave me behind. I suppose the main thing that hurt me was my reaction to my friends and family. Their lives just went forward and I mine stayed where it was. I know what I felt first of all and it was envy. It was this that started to eat me up like a starved vulture. I tried to control it and knew it was bad but it just seemed to get worse. Every wedding and christening and new job party was just so excruciating for me to see. It made me feel more exposed to myself and my wrong choices and my faults. I felt so alone at those functions. But the hurt I know then was envy, and it started to change to real depression. I knew it controlled me too much that I could not break away. I knew it would finally lead me here and there was no-one in the NHS who could make me feel any different. This pain was mine and therefore as the psychologist said, only I could solve it. But I could not now. It was too powerful and over-whelmed me. I understand that now there is no real escape from it but only a way of managing it better. That would be to live half a life and I did not desire that at all. This was the best answer and for once I was excited that finally it all would be over. I looked at the razor blade and it made me smile. Strange that cutting yourself would be seen as an answer. But it is. It will release me from this life, which had now grown insipid. It was shining in the sunlight and reflected the light onto my face. Was this a sign? Had I waited too long? Maybe. I reached for the whisky… this approach was learned from a film and reading the Bell Jar. Mash always stated that suicide was painless, but it was not and in many ways it is a violent act and you have to really feel there is no other way out. I often used to attend those groups were people thought about ending their lives but, often said they did not have the guts. Well, strange it is not guts you need but the realization that hope had left your world and that not much will change ever again. That was me and I had started the ritual of suicide that would release me from my life. I thought if I had this life again would I choose differently and if so... what? Now that is the big question but the abortion and that fuck-wit I stayed with for too long would have changed my life. Also I wish I had a different circle of friends not so high achieving and therefore for me, I would have felt less empty in their presence and less embarrassed. Actually... maybe everything from my parents to now I would change. Oh to have that opportunity. Would I have that now? If so oh goody. I was drinking heavily now and it seemed good. I put on a CD and took some tablets. I was starting to feel numb. This was the time to reach for the razor. It had opportunity written all over it. It looked so attractive all shiny and gleaming in the sunlight. I drew it across my right wrist. I felt some pain but a release that I was finally making a right choice to a situation for once. This was the end for now and hopefully an opportunity for a new beginning. Why did I not do this earlier? I suppose I was not as sure that this life had run its course until now. I needed to know that the NHS, as useful as it is, had no answers. I was sure of that now, but I wanted to thank all the people who tried to help me for their concern and well placed compassion. Thank you…. But for now good-bye… * * * * * * * * * * * * “ Quick cubicle two and get a line in with saline and cross match her for some blood.” “ Another suicide from that part of town and …well this one really meant it.” “ Ok… Thank you nurse for that insight but we need to concentrate in saving her life for now.” “ But… really does she really want that. Look at the cuts, they are deep and she must have really been unhappy or without something…I mean … to feel compelled to do this again?” “ Look… if you want to ration services go into politics but for now, we are going to concentrate in keeping her alive.” “ For how long?” “ Well…that’s not our call and you are not God. Save her life for now.” “OK doc …but if she is back within the week like she usually is I will ask why? She is clearly not choosing life.”
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