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Poetry
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smile
By darkrose12
26 February 2007
i just remembered the smiles of the people around me and how it made my day a bit more enjoyable, please critic! tnx (a little exagerated i think)

your smile is all I need
to make my day complete

though the cold earth is still wet
and spring is still far away

your smile is all I need
to make the pain go away

although today is hard to bear
and even yesterday's scars remain

your smile is all i need
to help me face this world

even if my heart can't take it
and my soul seeks redemption

your smile is all i need
to make me feel alive

Reviews
:)
Written by CrazyBubbles (10 comments posted) 26th February 2007
 
I think you spelled a couple words incorrectly... 
the cold earth is stille (still) wet 
although tiday (today) is hard to bear  
and even yeasterday's (yesterday's) scars remain 
 
I really like the feeling that you convey in this poem. I think you can work on the general flow of it. If you wanted to make it more interesting, you could try to add in some metaphors and similes. Maybe use a more descriptive word in place of "alright" at the end. Very good, though! I hope that you will submit more! :)
:)
Written by darkrose12 (5 comments posted) 27th February 2007
:) thanks for the comment i really appriciate it

Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 27th February 2007
ne, miah. Typos and the punctuation thingiemajigies are a problem. X_X.. but yeah. :D 
 
I like the message of the poem, and i generally like the way you put it.. but the flow isn't really that smooth.. you'll have to work on that. ^_^ 
 
btw, you can edit this with the button in the menu, the one with, "View my Existing Work" and then just click on the thingiemajigie and edit. :D 
 
hope i'm helping, 
rai.
of course
Written by darkrose12 (5 comments posted) 27th February 2007
of course you are rai... i'm just not used to typing it the "right way" sori about that... i really don't have an inspiration yet so this is just for fun and like it am not really thinking/ acting "smoothly"... thanks rai

Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 27th February 2007
Hi Darkrose (nice username). 
 
Nice poem too, if you can post a version with the spelling and typos corrected. 
 
Well done. 
 
oli :)
I agree
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 27th February 2007
Good poem, but thoroughly spoiled by the lack of attention of capital letters, spelling and punctuation. Why don't you go over this and repost it? It is a shame to ruin something good by something which can be quickly remedied.
thanks
Written by darkrose12 (5 comments posted) 28th February 2007
thanks oli, rai, josie en crazy bubles for the comments it really does help... thanks again! :)

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