I've been fiddling with this for a couple of days now - more attention than my stuff normally gets - and I'm about 90% happy with it...
What I would really like to know is what (if anything) people get out of the metaphor...answers on a postcard??
ps. I think I'm acutally getting worse at choosing titles (if that were possible) so apologies...
Second half rewritten
I would drink my coffee dark as pitch and sweet as sin,
would snort it off a mirror if I could,
in silence,
alone behind closed doors,
an illicit sensation.
When in public I will share a polystyrene cup,
with anyone I find to ask me to:
lightly tinted
puddled dishwater,
flimsy as the bland safe smile
that hides my churning need for the intensity of privacy.
I can pass the milk and sugar,
or sweetener if you wish,
and idly gossip
for as long as you would like me to
and you will feel entitled to warn me about the dangers
of drinking alone, chasing after the face
of another, not caring
that I like my coffee
that way.
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sorry Elli
Written by fellpony (1618 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
I think actually you only lost me in the final stanza - after that, I was not sure what your metaphor is meant to be.
Working with a coffee fan here in the office, I know what you mean about coffee dark as pitch.
I don't think it needs much more work - it could be just me being dim.
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Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
Cheers Sue, I'll give the ending some thought - it's more likely to be me trying to go off in too many directions at once than you being dim!
Elli
ps. I don't actually drink coffee at all  |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
Ooh, I like this. No idea what it means.
Well, of course I have an idea -- but I am probably reading into this. Anyway, here goes: you like the pleasure of your own company, you like solitude. But as you know, the world around you discourages you from being solitary. You're not supposed to go out to eat by yourself and people take a dim view of others who like to be alone -- just say the phrase 'He was a bit of a loner' and you conjure up all sorts of nasty images of crazed killers and pedophiles.
You can go out with other people and have a crappy time -- but people will all think you're just fine because you are being social. Or you can stay at home and have a lovely time by yourself, but you're a misanthropic git and possibly psychopathic.
Am I even close? |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
| And if I am right, I just want to say that 'Safety in Numbers' is a perfect title. |
HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2286 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
| I do like it, but I don't know what it means. I will go with Witzl because it seems a possible metaphor. Certainly the need for privacy is the most important thing - but the need for coffee comes pretty high. |
Well...
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
Mary got the main point...the other which was more an idea in the back of my mind after all of the pieces about past 'loves' was as follows:
You know the person who seemed so attractive when you were alone with them but suddenly, in a group situation seems rather less attractive ...they are exactly the same but, unfairly, you feel differently about them depending on the situation. Or is that just me?
Anyway that was just a minor overtone so if it doesn't come across it doesn't really matter, Mary's interpretation is as valid.
It's interesting to see what people make of these things and I apologise for being overly cryptic...can't help myself
Elli
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Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
Sorry Elli, I was lost before reading the explanations, and now I have I still can't add it up. Openly admit it's probably me - it usually is.
I actually thought the first verse was very, very strong; but as I read on, there was nothing (for me) to hang it on.
Everyone else has a pretty good handle on this - so I wouldn't worry - it must me.
Phil. |
Nope
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
I think enough people have got lost in this one for me to need do a bit of a rewrite. After all if you lot don't get it then chances are no-one else will either. Cheers guys, some useful feedback there...
Elli |
Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
Better for me, and I'm glad you didn't change the first verse - it remains the strongest part. I think because the main idea is clearer, other ideas are easier to pick too.
Like it.
Phil. |
cor ! possibly anglais
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 26th February 2007 |
You remind me of the dashing hero ( or heroine ) who jumped on the horse and dashed off in all directions at once .
It's probably my alzheimer's -- but having seen earlier versions I am now still trying to get my head round this in relation to the first few I read! They have imprinted on me , and this goose doesn't know which leader to follow now .
To the best of my muddled thinking however -- this is a much better effort -- I would not fiddle any more for a while -- let the rest of the orchestra have a go .
patterjack |
Oh Dear!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
When even PJ doesn't get it, with all his feminine proclivities, it must be obscure.
I had it being about drugs. Snorting from mirrors, drinking alone, all that caffeine. Metaphors need to be of a "slap ma chops" obviousness for me to get them.
Girls? What are they all about?
Oli |
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