This is based on my cousin who lives in Burnham-on-sea, he owns a little sea side cafe as well as a few houses he rents out. Steve is Diabetic and always forgets to take his medication, forgets to eat, so he has mood swings all the time and he hates working with the public. I have calmed his character down otherwise no-one would belive him.
OPENING TITLES.
1 EXT BRISTOL AIRPORT DAY
STEVE AND ELAINE OUTSIDE AIRPORT TERMINAL HAILING TAXI. OLD TAXI PULLS UP, DRIVER LEANS FORWARD AND PULLS LEAVER TO OPEN BOOT. STEVE HOT AND SWEATY LOOKS AT DRIVER AND THEN AT HIS LUGGAGE, DRIVER TURNS AWAY.
Steve (sarcastic)
You take it easy, I’ll get it.
STEVE CHUCKS LUGGAGE IN BOOT AND OPENS DOOR TO GET IN. ELAINE PUSHES PAST AND SITS DOWN. STEVE SLAMS DOOR AND WALKS AROUND OTHER SIDE OPENS DOOR AND GETS IN.
DRIVER PUTS CAR IN GEAR AND PULLS AWAY. THEN ASKS.
Driver
Where to?
Elaine
Burnham please
DRIVER STARTS TO MAKE POLITE CONVERSATION
Driver
Nice holiday
ELAINE AND STEVE AWNSWER TOGETHER.
Elaine
Yes
Steve
No
Driver
Where did you go?
Steve
Hell!
DRIVER LOOKS AT STEVE IN HIS MIRROR. JUST AS ELAINE DIGS HIM IN THE RIBS. ELAINE TURNS TO DRIVER.
Elaine
Portugal.
ELAINE NODS HER HEAD AT STEVE.
Elaine
Don’t listen to him, it was very nice.
THEY CONTINUE IN SILENCE UNTIL A STRONG SMELL OF CHEAP AFTERSHAVE REACHES
STEVE AND ELAINE IN THE BACK. STEVE SNIFFS THE AIR AND LOOKS AT ELAINE WHO DISCREATLY POINTS TO THE DRIVER. STEVE IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ELAINE BEATS HIM TO IT.
Elaine (hurriedly)
That’s nice aftershave, what’s it called?
Driver
Shy
Steve
They’ve mist a T off!
Elaine
Steve!
DRIVER GLARES AT STEVE IN MIRROR.
Elaine
Ignore him, he hasn’t taken his tablet today so he’s grumpy. I actually think it’s nice.
ELAINE LEENS FORWARD CLOSER TO THE DRIVER
Elaine
I do market research, funnily enough it’s on aftershave. I don’t suppose you would mind answering a few questions.
Driver
No fire away.
Elaine
Could you just pull over so I can get my questionnaire, it’s in my bag in the boot.
Steve
No he bloody can’t
Driver
No problem, but the meters still running!
Steve
Elaine I would like to get home before the next ice age
Elaine (pleading)
I’ve got to get two more before tomorrow.
THE TAXI PULLS OVER AND ELAINE JUMPS OUT AND GETS PAPPERS. DRIVER PULLS AWAY AND ELAINE ASKS FIRST QUIESTION.
CUT TO TAXI PULLING UP OUTSIDE CAFE
2 EXT. CAFÉ DAY
Taxi arrives in front of Café. Steve & Elaine get out Elaine is nice and brown Steve is bright red. Steve stretches his back then walks around to the boot, opens it removes luggage and drops it on the road. HE then moves to the driver’s window.
Steve:
How much mate?
DRIVER:
£35 for cash
STEVE:
£35… How much without the car!
ELAINE:
Steven just pay him.
Steve pulls out a thick wod of notes and pays. Elaine walks over and joins him.
ELAINE: (whispers)
Give him a tip
Steve leans into the open window. Driver looks up expectantly.
STEVE:
Read the label on the aftershave bottle. The bit that says use sparringly.
Driver puts two fingers up and screeches away. Steve returns the gesture. Elaine TURNS AND walks towards the café embarrassed. Steve follows carrying bags. HE LEANS FORWARD AND looks in through the window. the lights and radio ARE on, but no one around. Steve bangs on door .
ELAINE: (Embarrassed)
Steven, calm down
Steve ignores her and bends down and opens letterbox to shout. HE Recoils instantly as A bad smell hits his nostrils.
A family of holiday makers walk by;
MAN: (Birmingham accent)
“Best of luck mate. We’ve been here a week and we haven’t seen it open yet”
Steve Glares at Elaine
STEVE:
I told you we shouldn’t have left her
Elaine sighs, folds her arms across her chest and tries to THINK OF A GOOD reason why it could be shut
ELAINE:
She’s probably ill….or something
STEVE:
I don’t pay her to be ill.
Steve bangs on the window to no response. he bends down and opens A suitcase AND pulls OUT clothes EVERYWHERE until he finds a huge bunch of keys. Elaine kneels down and starts pUSHING clothes BACK IN CASE.
ELAINE: (muttering)
You and those bloody keys
Steve finds the right key first TIME and unlocks the door. A rush off rancid air hits them like a wall. Steve turns his head and takes a deep breath and storms down the three steps into cafe.
Elaine screws up her face pinches her nose and GINGERLY follows Steve.
Steve walks over to the radio on the shelf and tries to turn it off. HE can’t find the switch SO he pulls the lead out sending the radio crashing to the floor.
ELAINE: (nasally)
That was clever
STEVE: (impatient)
Don’t just stand there. Open the windows.
Elaine still holding her nose turns and starts opening the windows WITH ONE HAND.
ELAINE:
Where’s it coming from?
Steve ignores her and walk’s towards the counter.
Steve: (shouts)
Sue?
ELAINE: (matter of fact)
It’s obvious she’s not here
Steve walks round the counter into the cooking area , out of view of Elaine
STEVE’S VOICE IS HEARD OUT OF SHOT.
Steve:
Well that’s where you’re wrong!
Elaine stops OPENING WINDOWS and Weaves her way through the tables to the serving hatch that leads into the cooking area.
ELAINE: (confused)
What do you mean?
She lets go of her nose and crunches up her face. with both hands she opens THE doors of the serving hatch AND pears in. Steve is standing with his t-shirt pulled over his nose.
Elaine:
What’s causing this bloody smell?
STEVE:
Ask her.
ELAINE:
Ask who
Steve points past Elaine. Elaine turns her head in the serving hatch.
(Cut to view of cooking area)
Sitting on the counter next to the toaster discolored and bloated with her hair standing on end, holding a knife that Is still JAMMED in the toaster sItS Sue.
ELAINE: (shocked)
Oh my god!…..Is it Sue?
STEVE:
I think so
ELAINE:
Is she dead?
STEVE: (muffled)
I can’t remember her smelling like that when she was alive
Elaine turns back and glares at him. SHE removes her head from the serving hatch and walks round to join Steve in the cooking area. They both stand staring at Sue. Elaine once again holding her nose
ELAINE: (nasal)
What do we do now?
STEVE:
Well, I can put an advert in the Burnham Gazette. But it won’t come out until Tuesday!
ELAINE:
I mean about Sue
STEVE THINKS FOR A MINUTE
STEVE:
Go and lock the door in case somebody comes in.
ELAINE: (under her breath)
They would have to be bloody hungry to come in with it smelling like this!
WE GO WITH ELAINE As she crosses the café TO THE FRONT DOOR. OUTSIDE We can hear passers by (cor! Phugh!). ELAINE gets to the door, a man IS ABOUT TO WALK IN.
THE FAMILY WHO THEY SAW EARLIER HAVE RETURNED.
MAN: (Heavy Birmingham accent)
Something smells good.
ELAINE:
Sorry wear closed
The man looks dissaponted.
Elaine smiles sweetly AND SHUTS THE DOOR ON HIM.
Elaine locks the door and hurries back to Steve who is still staring at Sue
ELAINE:
What are we going to do, people can smell her outside!
STEVE:
I’m thinking...I’m thinking. Right shut all the windows.
ELAINE: (stubborn)
No!
STEVE:
Elaine just do it, I’ll open the one back hear and the back door.
ELAINE WALKS BACK ACROSS THE CAFÉ AND SHUTS THE WINDOWS
ELAINE:
Shouldn’t you ring the police.
STEVE:
Me, why me?
ELAINE:
You found her
STEVE:
You made me employ her.
ELAINE:
Don’t blame me. How was I supposed to know she had a dickey heart.
STEVE: (impatient)
She didn’t die from a dickey heart, the stupid bitch died from sticking a metal knife in the toaster when it was ON
ELAINE:
Don’t you Shout At me. Anyway I do that sometimes, if the bread gets stuck.
STEVE:
Why doesn’t that surprise me, we’ll I’m not buying a new one.
Elaine shoots him a venomous look, and hurries to close the LAST window.
ELAINE:
Well it didn’t kill me.
STEVE: (under breath disappointed)
No…
WE STAY WITH Steve WHO turns to open the window and jumps out of his skin. Pressed up against the small barred window is the face of Mary, Steve’s alcoholic tenant from upstairs.
Steve:
Jesus! Don’t do that, you scarred the crap out off me.
MARY: (drunkenly)
You’re back then.
STEVE:
No! You daft cow, were still in Portugal.
MARY:
Oh, ok. I’ll speak to you when you get home.
STEVE: (Sarcastically)
That’s best.
WE FOLLOW Mary, WHO WE CAN SEE THROUGH THE WINDOW, SHE turns and stumbles down the alley to the stairs. WE HEAR HER SLOWLY CLANKING UP THE METAL STAIRS TO the flats above.
Steve sighs and shakes his head. Elaine Tiptoes over worried.
Elaine: (whispers)
Who was that?
STEVE:
Mad Mary, she’s gone upstairs, pissed as usual.
ELAINE REACHES FOR THE PHONE ON THE WALL
ELAINE:
I’m going to ring the police. This is silly we’re acting like we’ve killed her.
STEVE:
Suite yourself. I’m going to take her next door.
ELAINE:
Your going to do what?….You can’t.
Steve WALKS THROUGH THE back door AND OUT INTO THE ALLEY. WE STAY WITH Elaine AS SHE DIALS 999. SHE calls after STEVE.
ELAINE:
I’m calling them now.
Elaine pauses waiting for a response, nothing comes.
ELAINE: (determined)
Right!
The operator asks what service she would like.
ELAINE:
Police please.
She WAITS AS SHE is patched through to the police.
sPlit screen showing elaine and local policeman
POLICEMAN:
Could I have your name please.
ELAINE:
Yes.
Pregnant pause
POLICEMAN:
You’re name?
ELAINE:
Oh sorry! It’s Elaine…um .I suppose I‘d better give you my real name.
POLICEMAN: (tired)
That would be nice.
ELAINE:
This must sound confusing.
POLICEMAN: (still tired)
Yes it does rather!
ELAINE:
Sorry. Do you want my real name or the name I use all the time?
POLICEMAN: (bored)
Any name will do. Is it an emergency?
ELAINE:
No don’t worry. She’s already dead!, Steve thinks it was the knife that did it, but I have noticed that she has moved the Wind chimes and placed it in the wrong aspect. So it was probably fate.
the policeman places his hand over the mouthpiece and beckons URGENTLY TO his sergeant.
POLICEMAN: (excited)
Here Sarge, I’ve got a women here who reckons she’s killed someone!
The sergeant GESTURES FOR HIM TO KEEP HER TALKING and picks up another head set, HE flicks a switch and listens in.
Elaine:
That’s very important in feng shui. Anyway we don’t know what to do about the body. My husband…..well, he’s not my real husband, my real husband’s not here. My partner, that is the man I live with, wants to take her next door.
The police sergeant cuts in.
SERGEANT: (alarmed)
No madam. Don’t let him do that. Just give us your address and we’ll take care of it…I mean her.
ELAINE: (pleasantly surprised)
Who are you?
SERGEANT:
My name is Sergeant Adams, Just give me you’re address and we’ll be right round.
ELAINE:
That’s a great name for a policeman. What rank are you? (cough)
Sorry just a little joke. Address, yes, well, it’s Celler Café, College Street, Burnham On Sea.
Steve appears IN SHOT at the back door dragging a large Blue whellie bin. Elaine lowers the phone DISTRACTED BY STEVE as she realises what he’s going to do.
ELAINE: (horrified)
Steve, you can’t stuff her in there!
STEVE:
Well I’m not putting her over my shoulder, she stinks.
Elaine REMEMBERS SHE’S ON THE PHONE AND returns IT TO HER ear. to the surprise of the two policemen SHE tells them.
ELAINE:
He’s only trying to put her in the whellie bin! I’ll have to call you back.
Elaine hangs up the phone and watches Steve struggling to get the large bin through the door.
Elaine:
No matter how hard you pull it, it won’t go through the door, it’s too big.
Steve lets the bin go and turns into the café..
Steve:
Right, you get her feet and I’ll ease her off the worktop, we can carry her to …..
Elaine cuts him off.
ELAINE: (indignant)
I’m not helping. The Sergeant told me not to move her, he said they’d send someone round to do it for us.
Before Steve can reply the phone rings
Elaine turns and picks it up. in a professional voice she answers.
Elaine
Celler café.
Sergeant:
This is Sergeant Adams. Are you the lady I was just talking to?
ELAINE:
Oh, Hello! Yes that was me…..
HER ATTENTION IS DISTRACTED AS SHE WATCHES STEVE.
ELAINE
Steve don’t be stupid you’ll ruin you’re T-shirt.
Steve tries to pull the corpse of the work surface and onto his shoulder. There is a loud clatter as the toaster falls on the floor. The corpse’s head flops over Steve’s shoulder and drops into the chip fryer.
ELAINE: (casually)
You’ve just put her head in the chip fryer! Now you’re going to have to change the oil. Sorry Sergeant, do carry on.
The sergeant is now grimacing on the other end of the phone at the thought of what he has just heard. He covers his mouthpiece and shouts an order.
Sergeant:
I want an Armed Response Team around there now!
POLICEMAN:
It has to come from Taunton Sarge.
It’s going to take them at least twenty minutes.
SERGEANT:
Nobody goes in until they get there. I don’t want any heroics. This man’s a nutter. Call the inspector.
Elaine holds the phone away from her and looks at it. Steve is still struggling with the corpse.
Elaine: (puzzled)
That’s strange. He’s hung up
STEVE: (struggling)
Then put the phone down and help me
Elaine places THE phone on THE wall, looks around and finds an apron and TAKES HER TIME putTING it on.
Elaine:
If I get oil on this top you can buy me a new one.
With a sigh she GIVES IN AND MOVES FORWARD TO lift the corpse’s head out of the fryer.
ELAINE:
Look what you’ve done to her hair!
STEVE: (Voice rising, losing his patience.)
Her hair!.. the silly bitch is dead. Anyway it’s a wig.
ELAINE: (surprised)
Is it?
Elaine CLOSELY examines her hair
STEVE: (shouting)
Forget about her bloody hair. Take some of the weight before I drop her.
ELAINE:
If you are going to shout I wont help at all
Elaine lets go and takes ofF the apron. The corpse’ head drops back in the fryer with a Plop AND gets stuck in the chip basket.
Steve almost loses HIS balance but with a mighty heave finally gets her oVER his shoulder. HE Turns around and glares at Elaine WHO IS IGNORING HIM.
STEVE (Lovingly)
Next time you get a piece of toast stuck…use a longer knife.
Steve backs out of the cooking area and turns around to face the whellie bin. As he WALKS PAST, Elaine CASUALLY removes the chip basket from the corpse’s head the wig COMES with it. She looks surprised and pulls a face, then holds it at arm’s length.
Steve flips the lid open and lowers the corpse in feet first. closes the lid and falls against the wall.
STEVE: (Breathless)
Next time choose a slim one!
ELAINE:
If you’re so good you can do the next one. (under breath) That’s guaranteed to put them off.
STEVE GRABS THE HANDLE OF THE WHELLIE BIN
STEVE:
I’m taking here next door. Start tidying up the place.
Steve pushes the whellie bin out into the alley.
Elaine
Me? ….I can’t. I’ve got to sort out my work for tomorrow. I’m doing that survey on lipo suction in Weston Super Mare, Maureen’s expecting me at her house to pick up the paper work.
STEVE:
I don’t care. This place has got to be ready to open tomorrow. You’re going to have to help me.
ELAINE: (desparate)
I can’t. This jobs worth two hundred pounds, I’m not losing that!
STEVE:
It’s the beginning of the school holidays, we’re going to be packed.
This time last year we took eight hundred pounds, so unless you want to give me six hundred, you’re in here with me!
ELAINE: (near to tears)
That’s not fair.
STEVE: (not caring)
Blame her.
Steve points to the whellie bin. walks out of shot.
WE GO WITH STEVE Next door TO the undertakers.
Steve opens double doors and walks in towing whellie bin. The room is filled with OPEN coffins stacked against the wall. THERE ARE two tables in the middle of the room, one has a body of an old man laid out on it. HE IS dressed in a high quality suite and a young APPRENTICE IS trying to get an expensive pair of brown shoes on him.
APPRENTICE startled by Steve’s arrival.
APPRENTICE:
Oh! You can’t come in here.!
STEVE: (Ignoring him)
Get Dave, I’ve got some business for him.
Young man hesitates.
Steve:
Go on!
Young man walks uncertainly towards the door.
Steve: (Urgant)
Hurry up, she’s not getting any fresher.
Young man disappears through door
Steve exhausted sits down on the table next to the body. he picks up one of the shoes and inspects it. he then tries to put it on the dead mans foot. No matter how hard he pushes he can’t get it on. He holds the shoe up and looks at it. Then he looks at his own tattered brown shoes. He slips one off and holds it against the good shoe, same size. Steve swaps shoes.
Door opens and DAVE walks IN followed by APPRENTICE.
Dave:
You’re back then?
STEVE:
What is it with people round here?..Do they give you a drug at birth that makes you state the bloody obvious!
DAVE:
I see the holidays done wonders for you’re temper! Not been taking you’re tablet’s then?
STEVE:
You sound like Elaine.
DAVE:
You can’t mess about with diabetes Steve. We get quite a few in here who have!
STEVE:
Thanks. Now take a look in there!
Dave walks over to the whellie bin
Dave:
It’s a whellie bin.
STEVE: (shaking head)
There you go again. Have a look in side?
Dave opens the lid and jumps back. Dropping the lid shut. Dave stares at Steve.
STEVE:
Well don’t just stand there. Do what ever you have to do?
DAVE:
Steve what have you done!
STEVE:
Nothing! I found her like that.
DAVE:
Have you called the police?
STEVE:
Elaine has.
Dave’s face shows relief.
DAVE:
If it’s not Elaine. Who is it then?
Steve chuckles
STEVE:
You thought I’d killed Elaine!
DAVE:
The way you two argue it wouldn’t have surprised me.
STEVE:
It bloody surprised me when I found her! You don’t expect to find dead cooks in you’re kitchen.
DAVE:
Do you know who it is?
STEVE:
It’s Sue.
Dave looks puzzled
STEVE:
Sue who runs the café.
DAVE: (astonished)
Is it really. Death hasn’t done here any favours.
STEVE:
Hasn’t done me any either, I’m now stuck running the café until I can find a replacement.
DAVE: (stern)
Well you can’t leave her here!
STEVE:
Sorry, I mistook you for an undertaker.
DAVE:
Ha ha! I still can’t help you Steve. You’ve got to leave her where you found her until a doctor proclaims her dead and issues a death certificate.
STEVE:
She’s dead, she doesn’t need a Doctor. Can’t you smell her?
DAVE:
That’s beside the point. The police have to see her so that they can rule out foul play.
STEVE: (winning)
I can’t put her back! Elaine’s tidying up. Anyway I know how she died.
DAVE: (sheepish)
Do I want to hear this?
STEVE:
She electrocuted herself with the toaster. She stuck a knife in it and it touched one of the elements.
DAVE:
Then there won’t be any problems.
Just put her back.
STEVE: (disgruntled)
Thanks for nothing.
DAVE: (now happy)
Anytime. By the way, can you have a word with mad Mary. We almost buried her last week.
STEVE:
Don’t do that! She’s the only one of my tenants who pays on time.
DAVE:
Well she won’t if she falls asleep in one of my coffins again. Young Jamie here screwed her down last week
STEVE:
What a horrible vision that conjures up.
DAVE:
You know what I mean. We were ready to load her in the hearse.
STEVE:
Next time I see her sober I’ll tell her.
Steve gets up and hobbles OVER to the whelie bin.
Dave notices HIM limpING.
Dave: (concerned)
Hurt yourself on holiday?.
STEVE:
New shoes, they pinch a bit.
Steve grabs the handle of the whellie bin and PUSHES IT back through the doors.
WE FOLLOW STEVE TO THE Café HE arrives at THE back door TO BE Met by Elaine.
Elaine: (pleased)
There you go.
Elaine points to the clean work surfaces.
Elaine:
Spotless! Can I go now?
STEVE:
No! Dave says I have to put her back until they pronounce her dead. So stop winging and give me a hand
ELAINE:
I told you! But do you ever listen to me. O’h no, you know best.
STEVE:
Shut up or I’ll make Daves’ first thought come true.
Elaine looks at Steve knowingly. They both struggle to get her back up on the work surface. Steve leans her against the wall and stretches her hand out.
Steve:
Where’s the knife?
ELAINE:
I threw it away
STEVE:
Well go and get it!
WE STAY WITH STEVE WHO ARRANGES THE BODY WHILE Elaine goes outside. SHE returns with knife and gives it to Steve.
Steve: (irritable)
Her wig, where’s her wig?
ELAINE:
You can’t put that back on her head.
It’s covered in chip oil….. look at the state of her clothes, there covered in bits of rotting vegetables, she’s filthy.
STEVE:
Oh I am sorry I’ll get her dry cleaned?
ELAINE:
Not a bad idea, I could nip upstairs and get her a change of clothing, she mustl have her key on her somewhere.
Steve looks at Elaine in disbelief.
Steve: (sarcastically)
Don’t forget her makeup.
ELAINE:
See if you can find her key.
Steve searches in her pocket and pulls out a small bunch of key’s. he throws them to Elaine.
Elaine:
Won’t be long, start getting her undressed.
Steve looks Sue up and down.
Steve:
She doesn’t look that bad. She was never a snappy dresser.
AS ELAINE GOES THROUGH BACK DOOR
ELAINE:
I agree, but I can’t remember her wearing slices of rotten tomato as accessories can you.
STEVE:
I get you’re point, just be quick!
Elaine disappears. Steve starts undoing Sue’s blouse when he seE’s a bundle of notes stashed in THE TOP OF her bra,
Steve:
You thieving bitch! You won’t be kneeding this where you’re going
Steve thrusts his hand inside her bra just as two armed police officers burst through the back door shouting.
1st armed Policeman:
Put you’re hands where we can see them.
Steve startled by the shout spins round and gets his watch caught in Sue’s bra.
He stands and stares at the gun leveled at him. The officers repeats his order.
1st ARMED POLICEMAN:
Put you’re hands up where we can see them.
Steve tries to comply but his hand wont move. Steve starts to panic And tries to explain.
Steve:
My hands stuck, it’s down her bra!
1st ARMED POLICEMAN:
Get down on the floor you pervert!
STEVE:
Are you listening? I can’t.
The officers radio springs to life
(voice through radio)
Is he down yet?
1st ARMED POLICEMAN:
Er…no Sir. He say’s his hands stuck down her bra and he can’t. Do I shoot him?
(voice through radio)
No! For God’s sake don’t shoot him. (Pause) One of you try and free his hand.
IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE Elaine walk through THE back door. SHE SeE’s policeman and very calmly speaks.
Elaine:
Hello would you like …...
Both Policemen jump, one fires off a shot hitting a large jar of tomato sauce sitting on the shelf above Steve. Tomato sauce goes everywhere but mainly over Steve. Steve faints forward and is suspended and doesn’t hit the floor AS HIS hand REMAINS IN Sue’s bra.
Police inspector bursts in after hearing shot. SeE’s Steve dead, covered in blood with hand still down blouse
Inspector (Breathless)
Shit……Is he dead?
Elaine hears him and turns round smiling.
Elaine:
No don’t worry. He’ll get over it.
INSPECTOR: (admiringly)
My God lady.You’re a cool customer.
Elaine raises her head and beams a smile AT HIM
Elaine
Thank you.
ELAINE LEENS FORWARD AND SNIFFS THE INSPECTORS NECK. GOES TO HER HAND BAG AND GETS OUT QUISTIONARE.
Elaine
That’s nice aftershave what’s it called?
Cut to credits
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