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By no1butClo
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26 February 2007 |
Sexual attraction can be beyond 'skin-depth'; just an idea, should I extend it?
comments welcome, mes amis ^_^
[thanks for comments, have ammended last stanza] You were asleep. Curled around
me and with me, breathing deep
and soft over my left ear.
I was awake. Clammy but calm,
feeling your heart-beat push
push gently against my back -
we were that close.
Losing consciousness, I
thought I felt a touch, subtle
shift that aligned us perfectly;
your pulse, your need to feel
was mine. |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 26th February 2007 | I think this is a simple but well expressed idea as it stands. The only thing that stood out was 'will-to-live' as it has other negative connotations, at least for me. Perhaps something like life force?
Liked it.
Phil. | Nice work
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 26th February 2007 | Liked it very much However I would drop the * but * in the last stanza.
patterjack |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | Yes, I like this too: the oneness of a couple sleeping together.
A person who is awake is aware of having a tiny edge on someone who is asleep -- a sense of that person's vulnerability, perhaps. Or at least that is one other thing that I got from your poem. |
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | Fine little poem. Agree with Brian and Phil on possible refinements also:
For me the "that" in the last line of stanza two isn't right. It may be grammatically fine, but in Scotland its misused as "so" e.g.
"I was that annoyed!" "We were that close!"
I would change it for "so" or something else. Just personal preference though. Otherwise VERY good. Sound like a "spoons" position to me?
Oli  | Agreed
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | | If Oli hadn't said it before me, I was about to say "change 'that' for 'so'. Much better. I thought the words "will to live" were wrong and out of place. Change them for something better. Nice little poem that flowed along well. | close enough
Written by KateRussellVampress (5 comments posted) 20th March 2007 | | The depth of life and love remains such an intense mystery to all. You have captured a small part of it's essence here. I must agree though...how close is 'that' close? | beautiful
Written by mmSeason (32 comments posted) 26th March 2007 | Sexual attraction beyond 'skin-depth' - yes, go further with the idea, not that this poem needs extending. It mainly works very well for me.
I read "that" line as meaning "That's how close we were." I thought of "So close were we" but it spoils the rhythm, and adds horrible poetic-ness to the language.
Maybe the present tense would do more for it?
well done
mand |
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