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Poetry
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Red Valentine's Day (revised(again))
By Tusk
27 February 2007
I've thrown it into third person, it was (is) horribly angsty.

A shell of his former self,
I see him limping in self pity through weeks,
Smiling with his teeth
and laughing with his obligation.

As he walks down the corridor.
In his eyes,
He is tearing down these walls,
Clawing out their faces,
     his claws wet with red and dry with plaster
     digging monstrous fangs into their warm necks,
Hurling them through buildings.

But this is all behind his eyes,
His actions and conversation are empty.
His chest is empty.

   The cure.
If his hollow torso trunk were pumped with sloshing bubbling red love,
swirling round and up
into every cranny and nook,
soothing and lathering his coarseness
with its warm strawberry smell...

But it won't.
And with each bitter destruction of hope,

     He slides towards his dreams of butchery with ferocious frustration.
     The black clouds in his barren ribcage swirling and churning faster and faster,
     Rumbling and snarling down his arms and rushing into those fists,
     Anger whirling into a building castrophony
     fuelled by his manic hunger for love.

Reviews
Not offended or upset...
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 27th February 2007
Just worried about the writer - very violent and disturbing and angry. 
 
Do you really feel like this?  
Do you dream opf butchering human beings? 
If so, please seek help. 
 
Oli 
:?  
 
P.S. Blood does not smell like strawberries
I'm sorry
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 27th February 2007
that you are living the short life that we have on this earth in this way and would agree with Oli that if you seriously feel like this, then you need to seek medical help quickly!

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 27th February 2007
From the heart, or an exploration? Just like to know before I review. 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th February 2007
Well I'm assuming that this is an exploration rather than a personal piece...I certainly hope it is anyway. 
 
From what I remember this is many times better than the first draft as a piece of poetry. It's not my favourite subject matter I have to say, comes across very bitter in tone and has a bit of an angsty feel to it. 
 
That said there are some strong images in this - I liked 'the black clouds in my barren ribcage'. 
 
I think it's ok to write like this, on this type of theme, but it has been so overdone that for your piece to grab the imagination it needs something extra - a bit more depth. There wasn't enough to this in terms of thought provoking content for my taste. But that's just my opinion. I'd like to read something you've written on a different topic... 
 
Elli

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 28th February 2007
Like Elli, I asume this is an exploration rather than something personal, as it is obviously creative rather than destructive.  
Where the style is concerned it seems a bit too experimental for me. Yet the vocabulary used and the images are very strong. Disturbing, but strong.

Written by Tusk (53 comments posted) 5th March 2007
Disturbing was what I was looking for, I was going to call it "Motives of a Psycopath". 
Thanks for the concern!

Written by cordialfreedom (3 comments posted) 6th March 2007
I liked this, It`s like the inner rage of someone disillusioned by the search for love,and driven impotently mad by it,but still hoping for the sickly stuff.Listen to the wildhearts "loveshit",same sort of vibe[ish]

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