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By JohnnyD
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27 February 2007 |
WORLD OF WISHES I wish a world sans war With smiling faces all around No destruction, only beauty What a beautiful world it would be? I vision a world full of goodness Everyone supporting the other No pain or miseries in sight Imagine how lovely it would be? I aspire a world full of successful people Striving all the time with a smile No hunger, no violence How wonderful it would be? Birds chirping, the dawn arrives As I open my eyes, The dream seems unreal As my world of wishes crumbles! Johnny D 26th February 2007 |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | OK Johnny.
Why the "?" at the end of each stanza? These are not phrased as questions.
Why use "sans" instead of "without" - mixing languages?
"Vision" is not a verb. You cannot "vision" something. The word is "envision" or "envisage".
You need to aspire "to" something. Not aspire something - bad grammar.
Of course the dream "seems" unreal, thats because dreams "are" unreal.
I don't attempt poetry in your language, mainly because it would be as bad as your poetry in English (and French). What is the point? Believe me, this is rubbish, worse than a child would write.
Quite apart from the errors pointed out, the subject matter is so cloyingly, sickeningly, preachily, trite, that a sick bag is required for each read. By writing this stuff, you only expose yourself to justified ridicule - if thats what you get off on, well go on. But don't kid yourself that this is good poetry, because its crap.
Oli
 | How Hard!
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | | What a hard judgement you have given on this poem Oli. I think that we all sometimes feel how nice it would be if everyone got up in the morning determined to love his neighbour as himself - well I do - but, like Johnny, it doesn't take long to realize that not everyone feels the same. I always say that if Jesus Christ came back to the world today, he would find that human nature had not changed one little bit since his first coming! In other words, mankind doesn't really learn from his mistakes. | Fair enough Josie
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | But this is not a religious site, nor is it about spreading good will, its about REVIEWING POETRY!
However worthy the thoughts, the poetry is TERRIBLE. Honesty is something that we should value too.
Oli |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | Okay: sentiment - can't object to it, but I could argue with the details. It is far too simple to say, for example: 'A world full of successful people.' Isn't success a relative measure, therefore an impossible aspiration? Maybe I'm splitting hairs. However, this perfectly illustrates my problem with this piece. It is ill thought through and again lacks depth of meaning. As a homily, (if that's the sort of thing you like - I don't) I suppose it's fine, but as poetry, it's a poor example. Oli has already pointed out many grammar related issues. Yes, English is not your first language, but as has been pointed out, this is a poetry review.
Note: this a review of your writing, not you.
Phil.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 27th February 2007 | So you wish for perfection but find you can't have it. I can't really comment on its worth as poem but the content is a bit simplisic. You have just had the views of two of the best and most honest reveiwers on the site.If you take what they say to heart it will help your work. We are all here to improve
cheers
J |
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