I like wordplay
And once again I have changed every verse since first posting it. I can never finish a poem, but prose I can be happy with.
We lie together in the bed
In hotel full of 'Mister Smiths'.
And afterwards in head to head
We tell each other ancient myths.
You say for youth you do not care,
The young know naught and end too fast.
You say you like my greying hair,
You like that I am built to last.
I say that love is here at last,
That soon I'll leave my empty life.
I say I can forget my past,
My house, my job, my child, my wife.
But in our words is truth defiled.
I see it in your furtive eye.
I am too old, you're but a child.
We, rising, still together lie.
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Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
Snodders, what HAVE you been up to?
Like the poem, but the connotations?
Oli  |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
Hardly dare comment... but great writing!
Kathy
P.S. Do Toys R Us sell toy boys? |
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
a great last line with dual meaning. Both cynical and sad.
You've been reading Melvyn Bragg again, haven't you Snodders. I told you "A time to dance" would do things to your eyesight.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
| This is just brilliant. Funny and clever. And fellpony is right: it is also cynical and sad. But funny and clever first. |
Lost for words -
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
| And that takes some saying! Just the same question as the rest: What on earth have you been doing, and should you be mentioning it on GW? ha ha Let's hope that your family don't read this! |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
OK, guys, read the site title. Creative Writing. This is fiction.
Oh, how I regret those non-ficiton pieces sometimes. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
You can't go wrong with a little word play 
So I loved the last line of this. Some rough edges but hey I enjoyed it. Works on several layers and I didn't think it was autobiographical - had that problem meself before now (I'm referring to the non-autobiographical nature of the piece rather than the content!)
Elli |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
Yep, particularly liked the last line, worked very well. One or two awkward bits, but fixing them would ruin rhyme/rhythm.
Liked it.
Phil. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
I like this,too. Clever wordplay is always a joy to read and you got it to rhyme and scan too, very impressive. It's all been said already, just wanted to say I liked it [which I did at the beginning.
J |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
Sorry for doubting you Snodders, but so much of your stuff is non-fictional.
Actually, I was starting to admire you for landing a younger bird 
Oli |
Hi Snodlander
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
| Very much enjoyed the poem. I'm glad it's fiction. There are far too many young girls around who don't worry about grey hair. |
Actually Jean...
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
| ...There are far too few |
The scene is complete
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 3rd March 2007 |
I like the scene you have set -- it is complete in my opinion. It has elements of the passing of time -- which gives movement to poetry. I like poetry that moves from place to place -- yet it never leaves the hotel room, or even the bed in which they lie.
Very well crafted, good word choices, very good flow. I think this one is complete.
BW |
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