This just kind of popped out this afternoon. Trouble is, I can't decide whether it's worth working on or not. That's where you lot come in hopefully. Any volunteers to help rip it to shreds for me?
He works alone, straight-backed,
lit only from above by harsh electric lights that flick off
and on,
whirring spotlights that track his movements across walls,
painted in tasteful eggshell blue for serenity
in the daylight, which now seem unforgiving,
hard as hell
in aseptic condemnation.
He flinches from their frigid embrace,
Works and works until everything is complete,
no frayed ends.
Only then will he let the lights follow him out of the building,
wrenching free from their grasp at dead-locked doors that shunt
open grudgingly and must be wheedled shut again,
resentful in submission. He is free
to pace heat-cracked pavement all the way home,
to loosen his choking tie, kick off hard-backed shoes,
sit with microwaved pleasure in an easy chair.
Soon he is staring at the wall, repeating
the daylight mantras to himself:
cannot, will not, must not;
cannot, will not, must.
And so he hits the road again
the discomfort of a suit swapped for stifling nylon tights
and heels that would be dainty on smaller feet.
Yet another late night at the office.
|
HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
I don't want to be first - but here I am.
I like some of the phrases - sit with microwaved pleasure - not sure what it means but I like it.
I dare not tell you what I think it means, and be shown yet again to be very stupid, so I will come back later, when the poets amongst us can give me a clue, and then I can do a better job. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
'microwaved pleasure' - is just my smart arse way of describing a ready meal - although 'pleasure' is probably debatable in that context...
And as for being stupid - we all know you're far from that Jean!
Cheers
Elli |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
Oh God, here I go.
I have no idea what this man's day job is either. Something a little solitary like art or tapestry restoration? That wouldn't require a suit, though, so perhaps he does something different. Lab work? The doors sound like the doors you might find in a laboratory. . .
When he goes home, he could just crash for the evening, read, watch t.v., get to bed early. Instead, being a cross dresser -- like Ken! -- he is compelled to put on drag and go out on the town. He is obviously using overtime as an alibi, so he must have friends or family who don't know about his interesting hobby.
Just one theory . . . |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
First response: as I was reading I initially had in mind some kind of caretaker or cleaner. Why else would he be there after hours? The image of a boiler suited man pushing one of those spinning floor polishers down an empty, hard lit corridor was pretty strong. Clearly I was pretty off on his appearance.
The part:
cannot, will not, must not;
cannot, will not, must.
is the pivot of the whole piece. He gets home. Things are all squared up at work, yet he's clearly lonely (staring at wall etc) trying to persuade himself not to allow himself his vice, but realises he must. A contrast between a together fellow on the surface and a screwed up secret life underneath. I thought it worked well. Plenty of 'story' up to the pivot. A brief mental struggle (at least in poetic words) and then he's off in his finery. My take is that he's a little more than a mere cross dresser. I may have this wrong but saying he's on the road and 'at the office' suggests this is a night job - ie) paid favours.
Not sure on the balance of detail before/after what I called the pivot. I wonder, the first half is very visual, maybe the last part needs some more visual clues to balance.
Hope this helps.
Thought it worked really well. One of those I could think about and get more from as I wrote and thought.
Phil.
|
Written by Tusk (53 comments posted) 27th February 2007 |
I think we, as writers and poets, can really relate to the opening part about working alone.
Fantastic twist at the end, didn't see it coming.
"eggshell blue" was good. |
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
| I do so like others to do the hard work for me.I've read it again and have enjoyed it so much more, now that I know what it means. And and I am very glad I didn't say what I was going to last night, because I was way out. |
Thanks
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
everyone for the comments. I've got a few more ideas about where to take this one now and about the bits that are inconsistent.
Elli |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3295 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
This could easily have been a short story and seems a little self-conciously poetical but then I don't always appreciate poetry.
One thing I don't get:- who is he having to pretend to have another late night at the office for. I get the impression he is a loner. I did like the inner fight with himself before giving in --obviously a devotee of Oscar Wilde who claimed the only way to get rid of tempation was to give in to it.
Nice story though
J |
mmm
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
you might be right you know Jane, this might make a reasonable piece of flash fiction...I'll have to give that some thought I think.
As for who he is prwetending to have a late night at the office for - I couldn't tell you (becuase then I'd have to kill you) no really, I hadn't decided that yet so your guess is as good as mine until I do decide (and even after that in al probability)
Elli |
I Give Up
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
| No, he's not a drag artist - not Father Christmas preparing for Christmas Eve - - - so - what is his job? A cross-dresser working late? He's a surgeon - a male nurse - - - - Please tell us the truth! |
He is
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th February 2007 |
as far as I can tell...a normal bloke by day and a cross-dresser by night...quite what he does during the day and whether or not he gets paid for what he does during the night I have yet to decide (although I'm leaning towards Phil's interpretation). So really there is no truth, not yet anyway, it's make your own mind up time.
Elli
ps. I apologise for sounding all pseudo-philosophical - it's all so much horseshit really  |
end is weird
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 3rd March 2007 |
The ending is a little off to me, unless it means he is a cross dresser that goes back out at night as a "lady".
I think it is worth working on some more; there are some vague spots that can probably be clarified.
For example:
"whirring spotlights that track his movements across walls,
painted in tasteful eggshell blue for serenity
in the daylight, which now seem unforgiving,
hard as hell
in aseptic condemnation."
The words "that", "tasteful", "which" and "seem" are not necessary and they don't add to the affect. Anytime you can omit the word "that" it usually sharpens the sentence. The word "tasteful" is kind of fluff -- it might be tasteful or it might not be tasteful, depending on one's taste. The words "seem" and "which" are very soft passive words that detracts from what you really want to say -- that the wall color IS unforgiving.
I think careful rearrangement here can really strengthen the middle section of the poem.
Something like:
"spotlights (whir?) (hum?) and track his movements
across walls painted eggshell blue
serene in the daylight,
now unforgiving, hard as hell
in aseptic condemnation."
Not sure about whirring spotlights -- I think the sound they might make is more of a hum or a buzz, or a static flick or something like that.
I think this one has promise -- it is a good first draft.
BW |
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