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Kitchen Dreamer
By Kathy
28 February 2007
I felt the need to write about the same topic as in 'Memory Riders' but from the perspective of the kitchen in which the woman is standing!

Hope it works, but as ever, I know that I will benefit from your crits, so would welcome them.

Cheers,
Kathy


The woman in the kitchen window stares,  caught in soft focused motionless, in the washing up steamed frame. A piece of time set aside from the main flow, as her view is through the mind's vision and does not witness the present moment. Hands hover in the warmth of the suds and dishes stand patiently in queues, like travellers used to the waiting, as she rests again, still, in contemplation.

If time were accessible to scrutiny, the woman's kitchen life could be sped up and re-wound, revealing patterns of thought and movement. Grooved paths appear, like the multi-coloured light-lines of car headlights in night-view postcards of big cities.
Her grooved tracks, streaming inwards from compass points around her world, all end here, under the kitchen window. A tangle of time grooves, bundled together in a Gordian knot of the strands of her life.

Her body - willingly rooted deep down, past the foundations and the  tree roots and the strata beneath the house; her mind raised and searching the collective thought of people's hopes and dreams. And where has she gone to today? (At least she is still dreaming...) Today's thought is of childhood and as we peer with her through the steam covered glass, she travels to freer times and poetical playground pals, who pant and preen in their poneytailed playtimes... But we see only grass and hills.

But this is just a pinprick moment's camera image; a postcard view of a woman and a kitchen window - "a subject for a short story", that can only reveal a snapshot of the whole.

Dream over, the woman returns to this 'now' and as she moves away from the glass, the lines of light spill out again in all directions, from their knotted place under the window.



Reviews
HI Kathy
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 28th February 2007
I don't relate to this the same way as I did to your children playing horses story. I had to keep rereading the first sentence and even now, I am not sure what it is all about. It could just be me. I'm not good at interpreting poetic writing - and I'm sure some of the others will do a better job than I can.

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 28th February 2007
Hi Jean 
 
Thanks for taking the trouble to review.  
 
The character here is the person who has remembered the children playing at horses in 'Memory Riders' piece. In that story, I tell of a woman looking out through the washing-up steamed windows, dreaming about childhood play. In this I thought to focus upon the woman herself and give an indication of her own life as it is now... 
 
So, 'The woman in the kitchen window, stares.' and from the perspective of 'Memory Riders' she is looking out and dreaming about her childhood. 
 
'Caught in soft focused motionless, in the washing up steamed frame.' Caught - as if in a photograph - still and motionless, in the frame (literally of the window) and as if in a photo frame... I wanted to create the image of a very small amount of time and create the impression of her... 
 
I will be sad if this doesn't work out because it is personal to me, but I want to know the truth if I am to progress!! So I can't be precious about it. 
 
Many thanks for your honesty Jean. 
 
Kathy 
 

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 28th February 2007
This wasn't as accessible as the first piece but it had much more depth to it. Again, very poetic in style without overcooking it. This had something very special for me. I've had this piucture in my mind of lines of light as you describe. I've tried to write about them a few times and never been happy. I'm pretty jealous of the fact that you pulled it off very well. Some lovely images. 
 
One of two slightly clumsy sentences (eg - the second) 
 
Loved it. 
 
Phil.

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 28th February 2007
Phil to the rescue again!! I will try to re-do the second line.  
 
You mentioned one of two slightly clumsy sentences - which was the other one? 
 
Cheers 
Kathy
Direct vs. Indirect Speech
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 28th February 2007
I wonder if this might be more effective if you tried re-writing it as an "inner dialogue" eg. between the "two halves of the brain" we're all supposed to have? 
Your character is caught between conflicting emotions: writing it as a 'dialogue' between two opposing trains of thought (ie. the opposite halves of the brain) might be one way of turning the screw .....? 8)

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 28th February 2007
Sorry Kathy, now I reread I can't see the other one - must have imagined it. Glad I came back for another look though as I like it even more now. I think some pieces just 'hit the spot' and this was one. 
 
Loved it more. 
 
Phil.

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 28th February 2007
Your suggestion was obviously far too clever for me to have thought of in the first place Bagheera! 
 
I have tried to show the same idea from inside and outside of the woman's head so it does make sense as an excercise to now view it from her conflicting thoughts and feelings. Tricky. 
 
I may be some time!! 
 
Many thanks for a very helpful thought. 
 
Regards, 
Kathy

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 28th February 2007
Phil, I really can't keep up the payments, could you please let me have the next kind word for free? 
K

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 1st March 2007
As said, very poetic. I'm not sure the comma is needed in the first line. And towrds the end all those alliterated 'p's tripped me up a tad. 
 
Otherwise, very good. Well done.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 1st March 2007
I just loved this. Sure, there are a few bits that could be adjusted, but from the minute I started reading this, I felt a strong connection to this woman standing at her kitchen sink up to her elbows in warm dishwater. The kitchen sink is a great place to ruminate: I do this all the time. You stand there and think of all the things you've done, all the people you've known, the places you've been -- and you wonder at yourself standing there doing something as mundane as washing dishes. I don't feel I've explained my own interpretation of this very well, but I did feel that I understood this -- the grooved paths and all. And I loved the image of the dishes waiting patiently in queues. I've got quite a few queued up myself just now. . .

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 1st March 2007
Lost in her thoughts while doing the washing up? She's obvously never heard of radio 4 It does all your thinking for you. I thought it was beautifully written but I didn't quite connect with it as it was in the 3rd person. I liked Bagheera's idea of inner dialogue to help us bond with the character. But I must admit is was an affecting piece of writing.  
cheers 
J
Hi Snoddy, Witzie and Botleblondesurfer
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 1st March 2007
Great idea about removing the comma, it may even make it un-necessary to alter the rest of the line??? I put the aliterative p's in to mirror the 'Dream Riders' piece, but I take your point and will give it more thought. It may be too much... 
 
I think tbat many women will use the 'sink to think' and it is such a great feeling that these words that I have written are connecting with other people, thanks for telling me that. 
 
Yes, the third person was tricky for me. I did wonder whether it was too distancing... I find it hard to explain why I did it but I suppose that I didn't want to personalise it too much because I wanted us to feel a sense of alienation from real time... Oh my God that sounds rather grand, sorry. 
 
By the way BBS I think that your name is fab and very funny, so is the little quote that you use!  
 
Many thanks to you all, will let all these sink in for a while. 
Kathy

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 1st March 2007
Snoddy, have removed the offensive full stop! Thanks. 
Kathy

Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 1st March 2007
The imagery was captivating, I was drawn into this little piece. I agree that an inner voice would have helped the reader to bond, but the prose was mesmerising in itself. 
 
Wonderful...well done 
 
best wishes 
 
mish x

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 1st March 2007
Mish, I am grateful to you for bothering to go on and read this one too! 
 
As several people have commented upon the inner voice, I think that I will have to try to encompass that, I shall have another go when I have cleared my brain of the original one... 
 
MANY thanks to you! 
 
Kathy

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 1st March 2007
I really enjoyed this piece, though I liked "Memory Riders" a bit more. It had a firmer fix in real time. 
 
Overall, I think you have very nice imagery and a lovely voice, though I agree with Snoddy about the 'p' alliteration towards the end. Just a little too much, and it seems to come out of nowhere. 
 
I'm personally good without the inner voice. I read this as the woman's own thoughts, but told with detachment, almost like her own narration. Surely I'm not the only person to self-narrate when bored? (Unfortunately, this seems to happen most during physics lectures. :grin)  
 
Claire

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 2nd March 2007
Thanks for reading both pieces Claire. Thanks for your comments. I have re-written this piece and altered the first one a little. When I am happy I shall probably put them both out together so that, if people can be bothered, they can see the relation between them both. Think I shall call it "Extra-ordinary ramblings of an ordinary woman" or something similar, with mini headings for each piece. 
 
I have tried to lessen the aliterative 'p' but kept a small amount because it is meant to be a 'reflection' of Memory Riders. I am quite happy with the lack of inner voice too, but have played with it a little and put in a single 'conversation' with herself to see what that does to it. 
 
Yes, I giggled at the mention of physics lessons - mine is only school kid level I'm afraid but my son is holding it as an opition alongside medicine for study at university... my husband is a vet so I expect he'll sympathise with your boredom in lectures!! 
 
Thanks again Claire and I am slowly working my way around reading more of everyone's work. 
 
Best wishes 
Kathy

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 2nd March 2007
I'm a pre-med biology major. I just can't stand physics because it gets so dry. I suppose the one good thing is that I remember most of it from high school, so it doesn't matter much if I don't pay attention, but it still feels like a wasted hour. Good time for day dreaming, though.
The opening
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 3rd March 2007
For me the opening paragraph is not strong enough to really push the reader into the scene. It starts out a little too passive and pensive. As the title suggests, a "dream" or daydream is taking place, or that should be the focus. Even a dream, or maybe ESPECIALLY a dream must be very clear, and with only a few sentences to accomplish that clear image the word choice, the voice, and the simile must be really strong. 
 
For example: 
 
"caught in soft focused motionless, in the washing up steamed frame." What you are saying is that she is motionless, but framed in the steam from the dish water, and the fading light (implied) casts a soft focus on the scene. The word "in" is kind of passive in this sentence, and if you rearrange the verb, i.e. "caught motionless" it shows the freeze frame image better. 
 
"caught motionless in the soft focus of rising steam, from the chore that waits..' something along those lines. Anything to make this opening image sharper, more direct in its approach it will set the "dream" quality for the reader. 
 
I didn't really get much past that -- I will stop back by when I have more time. 
 
BW  
 
A piece of time set aside from the main flow, as her view is through the mind's vision and does not witness the present moment. Hands hover in the warmth of the suds and dishes stand patiently in queues, like travellers used to the waiting, as she rests again, still, in contemplation. 
OOPS
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 3rd March 2007
Sorry for the last copy/pasted bit at the end, I borrowed your passage to past in my comments but forgot to delete the remains when I was finished. 
 
BW

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 3rd March 2007
Thanks for taking the trouble to comment bwoz. I agee that the first line needs adjusting and am in the process of doing re-writes. I am going to re-issue 'Dream Riders' and 'Kitchen Dreamer' together complete with alterations. 
 
Didn't understand about you copying and pasting a passage... what do you mean? 
Kathy 

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 3rd March 2007
P.S. The soft focus referred to is as viewing her through the steam on kitchen window. 
K

Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 4th March 2007
For prose this is a little too poetic to my taste. I liked the idea of self reference in the picture though. Yet, as said, I'm not sure whether the use of metaphors and poetic lines was a bit too much.

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 4th March 2007
Ok Fledermaus, thanks for being kind enough to review it. I suppose it is rather poetical and so not for you if you don't like that sort of thing. 
Thanks, 
Kathy

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