its all about babies(plural)
triplets to be exact.
babys are considered a blessing but are they? and does that only menat for 1 baby.but what if you have 3?
The babies’ screams grow louder and more persistent, eventually rousing her from a deep slumber.
“If they don’t shut up in a minute………….” She mutters irritably to herself.
She pulls the pillow over her head to try and drawn out the infernal racket.
It doesn’t work the cries seem louder, still.
She can’t take it anymore. She hasn’t slept for days; she needs to sleep to keep the last piece of her sanity.
She throws back the duvet, stumbles out of bed and gropes for the door in the darkness.
She makes her way slowly down the dimly lit hallway, the noise of the cries becoming louder with every step she takes.
She finally reaches the babies room; the screams are so ear piercingly loud she cannot hear herself think.
She slowly makes her way over to the sideboard and grabs three dummies.
She then leans over and puts a dummy in each of the babies’ mouths, and finally the cries have ceased.
She silently moves her across the room and out of the door and back to her bedroom, once again stumbling in to bed.
She pulls the duvet over herself and snuggles down, her eyes begin to shut and she finally succumbs to sleep.
An hour later the screams begin again, louder and more persistent then before.
She lets out a groan.
There's something to be said-she thinks-to women who say that babies are a blessing from god. To her she feels god is punishing her.
Triplets are hell.
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Hi and welcome
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 1st March 2007 |
Hi and welcome to the site. I note in the welcome forum you ask for comment so I'll start.
Stories should ideally have a beginning a middle and an end [though not necessarily in that order] And what you have here is just the beginning. There is no context, we know nothing about her,not even a name. Why are you telling us this,what is the story?
Triplets aren't hell for eveyone but they are for her,...yes?
Ok tell us why, give us the story. Triplets are hell is a bold statement and you haven't said enough to back it up. Remember "Show don't tell"
It's a good beginning setting up curiosity and concern but that is all it is
Hope that helps
J |
Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 1st March 2007 |
There's enough here to interest the reader initially, but it needs more narrative drive to push it forward. As above, this could be scene setting exercise for a longer piece. I wasn't too sure about the layout. It seemed a little unusual to have each sentence as its own paragraph - couldn't work out why you may have done that.
Interesting and enough to work on.
Keep posting.
Phil. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 1st March 2007 |
I liked this as a start, but I expected it to go farther. I agree with J and Phil that seems like a beginning for something more. Even if you don't want to add a whole plot, the character needs something more, she needs to end up in a different place emotionally at the end, possibly through some sort of "revelation." She starts out thinking triplets are hell. Might something happen to make her think they're not so bad in the end? It could be something as small as a smile from one of the infants.
I'd like to give you props for using the present tense. I love present tense writing, because it makes me feel more "in the moment" of the story. It can be difficult to do, however (as I know all too well), but you make it sound very natural.
Keep writing!
Claire |
Written by Tusk (53 comments posted) 1st March 2007 |
You captured the atmosphere very well.
A little description would have improved it. |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 2nd March 2007 |
Watch the punctuation. 'Drawn' should read 'drown'.
With the others, a good start. I would rather a darker story than Norwegian's version, starting off all Mumsy, then sinking into exhausted depression as they become just messy noises.
And where is her old man in all of this? My Good Lady made a point of waking me up when She had to attend the screaming infant. I know this, because sometimes I would be awake, pretending to be asleep, and She would accidently poke me in the ribs. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 2nd March 2007 |
Oh, do I remember those sleepless nights. And I only had singletons! How in the world does anyone survive triplets?
One little tip: if you try varying the way you begin your sentences, using different words when possible, it makes for a more interesting read. There are close to a dozen sentences all beginning with 'She' here, and that can make a good story sound like a laundry list.
This mother is lucky one way, though: when I gave the dummies to my kids, they just spit them out or flung them across the room -- straight away. They weren't going to be bought off with a mere fifteen-second fix; they wanted hours of my time. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 4th March 2007 |
With the others on this, a good start but needs fleshing out and developing further.
I think you really need to use longer paragraphs. If the work was any longer than this it would become very difficult to follow.
Hope this helps. |
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