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Poetry


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The retaking of Britain

By Fledermaus

01 March 2007

In the comments of my short story 'Lord of the forest' there seemed to be some doubt whether there were Bretons in William the Conqueror's army. I did some research, and there definitely were...

They came in 1066
To take the Anglo-Saxon land
With swords and axes, spears and picks
They fought against king Harold's band

Sir Walter Scott wrote Ivanhoe
He wrote about a Norman yoke
For the Saxons this war meant woe
Their lord was now a Norman bloke

But how easily he forgot
That the Saxons too stole this isle
They slaughtered Britons, quite a lot
England was robbed, for every mile

William crossed the cold and grey waves
Employed many a Breton knight
Descendants of those who weren't slaves
Came to England with all their might

And so the Britons returned home
They ruled as Norman earls and counts
As described in many a tome
They replaced Saxon with French sounds

About one third of William's earls
Had old Breton blood in their veins
They reduced the Saxons to churls
And they retook the British reins

Reviews

" ... it won't fit ...!"
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 1st March 2007

a line from the classic 'steam radio' Goon Show, spoken by Eccles in response to a suggestion that he put the kettle on .... :grin

I rarely comment on poetry, as I feel it's not my long suit. However, I thought that some of the rhyming pattern 'felt' a bit forced - have you considered the effect of keeping the RHYTHM of poetry and using BLANK (non-rhyming) verse instead?

I enjoyed the content, and the tale as she is told. I agree that some form of poetry is the correct vehicle to give it the dignity it deserves, but as a non-poet I think you ought to look for guidance from someone more qualified to speak than I am! :grin

Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 1st March 2007

Thanks Bagheera. I supose that's one of the greatest weaknesses of when I try poetry: The rythm. I usually write things with seven syllables every line and I don't care too much about stress. With ten syllables a line I seemed to get away too, but this one had eight every line and it seems to have become a bit messy as a result.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 1st March 2007

I think there are times when you have to worry about the stresses. Have you read this aloud to yourself? If you haven't you should - you'll hear how awkward it is in the places where the stresses just don't work and trip you up. It's not too difficult to fix either - worth taking the time over.

Agree with Bagheera, content ok but rhyme scheme forced in places. If I were you I'd be tempted to drop the rhymes, at least where you're having to force them and try to tweak the stresses - it doesn't need ot be perfectly iambic or whatever but it does need to read smoothly and, at the moment, this doesn't (for me anyway).

Elli

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 1st March 2007

Fledermaus, I was reading this with serious intent until I got to
"They slaughtered Britons, quite a lot"
did you mean this to be funny because I laughed out loud. It's so delightfully understated and the rhyme was shoe-horned in for comic effect. Reminded me of William McGonegall. If it was meant seriously I aplologise and in my defense say I am no poet.
[I'm still giggling}
J

Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 1st March 2007

I'd aways defer to Elli on matters poetic - so ditto.

Liked the content.

Phil.

Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 4th March 2007

Thanks Elli, BBS and Phil.
Indeed the rythm isn't as it should be in this one. Josie has written a better version for me. Shall I post it?

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