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Poetry


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A Little Bit of Pain Goes a Long Way

By bloodange77

02 March 2007

I write alot of poetry, and half of it I am very paranoid about no one liking it. This poem is dedicated to Dakota; may she forget I even exsist. Then we will both be okay again. She is already well on her way.

It's painful when;
Everything you love is lost.
The one you love forgets.
You have no one to turn to.
You read to get away.
You know you need someone.
Noone wants to help.
Everyone lies to you.
It will never be better.
They forgot how they meant to you.
You always feel lost.
You're paranoid about everyone.
Something tells you noone cares.
Memories are forgotten.
She doesn't care anymore.
She pretends you're not there.
If you embrace the pain;
You'll be more like me than you think.

Reviews

Your poem
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 2nd March 2007

Very sad indeed. as I am sure all the readers on GW will think. You say that you are paranoid about no-one liking it. No two people are alike in their tastes. For me, I would see your poem as just a series of very sad statements than a poem. You don't even have it divided into verses, and the subject is depressing for me. However, there may well be others who like it. (PS "a lot" are two words and so are "no one").

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 2nd March 2007

Sorry, not for me. With Josie on this one - a series of statements, but more pitiful than sad. I wonder if some context or variation in structure would rescue this. The content is something you obviously feel strongly about so it may be worth reworking.

As Josie said, others may disagree.

Phil

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 3rd March 2007

I agree with Josie, it is a series of statements of fact and therefore would have been more suited to prose.

Your thoughts are valid but unless you can find a way of making the words sound more elegant and 'poetic' you could begin by writing it all down in prose/story form. Look and learn from other people's verse Bagheera and Ellipinnock in particular would be good people to study to start off with.

You definately have 'heart' and shouldn't be put off trying to improve.

Good luck
Kathy

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 3rd March 2007

P.S. Patterjack's poem ' Out of the winter darkness' has a simplicity about it and is a really good example of an excellently crafted poem.
Best wishes
Kathy

Thanks
Written by bloodange77 (38 comments posted) 6th March 2007

Thanks for the tips guys, i know they are two words i just forgot to put the space. Usually I am really good with that.

Sorry for the mistakes. And it seemed like that to me too.

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