|
It's 2.45 in the morning, I've swapped beds with my daughter. She's had a nightmare and has gone off to sleep with mummy whilst I am relegated to her little pink Barbie-bed. But my brain shows no signs of returning to the soft ample bosom of dreamland and I lie fretting that my slumbers have been irretrievably disturbed. My head peeps out over the covers. Three large teddies sit facing me at the bottom of the bed, watching me like three.......something or others - what? three wise men? three wise monkeys? three Stooges? I don't know, I can't think straight at this time of night but I know I don't like the way they’re looking at me.
A shaft of moonlight casts its beam over the teddies, illuminating their beady, watchful eyes. Two have the fixed, empty expressions expected of cuddly toys but the third is somehow different, it seems almost alert, as if it's staking me out, sizing me up, waiting for its chance to pounce. And the other two may look dumb but maybe they're just better at the pulling off the old 'What me? I'm just a harmless inanimate plaything' routine. A vigorous thrashing of feet under the duvet sends all three tumbling to the floor. That'll teach 'em to mess with me. But now my feet are cold. They were holding down the end of the duvet. Damn it.
I try sleeping. Wait, what was that noise?! Could it have been a scratching of furry nylon fibre on bedpost? Am I going to be found murdered by these three tiny, hairy assassins? who will of course be found in the morning sitting on the end of the bed staring innocently into space, as if nothing had happened - the devious little bastards. I switch on the bedside lamp, now fully alert. OK you guys, if I see so much as a twitch from any of you........ Especially you Barney you irritating little purple fucker. Oh yeah don’t think I haven’t been waiting to sort you out pal. He’s not actually one of the three homicidal teddies but still.
They make no response, they're not even looking at me now - they're just lying there on the floor with their fat hairy backs to me, making a big show of studied indifference. Perhaps if I just take out the ringleader it might discourage the others - I could fling open the window and hurl the beady-eyed little twat out into the garden.
I lie back, reviewing the situation. Perhaps I'm not quite the rational balanced being I thought I was. On reflection I realise that the teddies probably pose no immediate threat but the thought that I might be quite quite mad disturbs my slumbers for the rest of the night.
|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | No, sweetie, it was definitely the teddies. It must have been them that spooked your daughter in the first place.
They are going to take over the world if we let them,they are like a parasites feeding off the love of little kids and when the time comes they will explode of toy boxes everywhere. Get rid now.
That time of night does do odd things to you, very entertaining little piece
J |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | Yep, very entertaining. I think you're missing a 'like' in the last line of the first para...
Enjoyed this a lot though, ending very good.
And as for Barney...I thought you were actually a bit too generous in your description!
Elli |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | I'm with BBS here and was thrilled to find that I am not the only one out there who has figured out what's going on. People keep asking what's happening to kids -- why are they becoming so materialistic, prone to violence, charmed by sedentary activities like playing with computer games and watching TV. Well, look at who they're with all the time: these insidious playthings -- Barbies and teddies and who knows what all.
You had me laughing all the way through this. I've spent many a night on a miserably uncomfortable kid bed being sized-up by stuffed animals. Start culling them now, quite seriously, or by the time the kid's fifteen, you'll need another room for the damn things. |
Written by Sir_Nigel (37 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | I’m glad it’s not just me. For moment there I thought I was mad but I think they’re probably just controlling my mind too.
What? What’s that? Eliminate all Human life forms? Yes Barney. At once master. |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | If I were you I'd pull the buggers' stuffing out and use them as slippers, that''ll teach them!
Enjoyed.
Kathy |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | Yep, total consensus - really good, enjoyable piece. My brother murdered my teddy with his Swiss Army knife - now I know why.
Phil. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 5th March 2007 | | It's all been said. This is very funny, can't fault it. About time someone spoke out about this sinister threat to our civilisation. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | No, believe me, those sorts of teddy bears are not the real threat. Sure, they're devious, but the truly evil ones are the stuffed animals my pediatric dentist had in his office. A teddy bear, a dog, a cat, a pig,--with teeth. And jaws that could unhinge completely so that, if you really wanted to, you could brush all their teeth with a giant toothbrush in the waiting room. I don't think I have to tell you that stuffed animals with big plastic teeth (that give them a permanent just-escaped-from-the-asylum smile) are EXTREMELY frightening. I had no problem with the actual dentistry part of going to the dentist. It was sitting in the waiting room with the toothy stuffed animals that scared me.
Nice piece, by the way! |
Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 16th March 2007 | Really good, really funny, really real.
And I thought clowns were scary...
Wltshr
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
